It’s the piping hot tea that has been titillating New York’s elite and the online blind item world alike: who had explosive, catastrophic diarrhoea at Gwyneth Paltrow‘s house? After a week of wondering, it seems that we have an answer.
Last week, a rumour appeared in the celebrity gossip newsletter Popbitch about a house party that took place at Paltrow’s Hamptons home.
“It’s not all shits and giggles for New York’s upper crust as they head to the Hamptons for the summer season. It’s mostly just shits,” the blind item began.
Juicy intel already, no?
“The story goes that a recent houseguest of Gwynnie’s catastrophically shat themselves in bed while staying there, then fled back to the city before they had a chance to face the music,” the anonymous poster continued.
“Gwynnie’s guest won’t be the only shitter in the Hamptons this year. Ozempic-induced diarrhoea is becoming a very hot topic of conversation between hosts there – because so many of their guests are using it. So expect laundrettes to be fully booked from July 4th.”
Meanwhile, an anonymous person wrote in to Deuxmoi with tea on the situation:
THIS IS MY ROMAN EMPIRE. (Credit: Deuxmoi)
“A NYC-based wordsmith did something really shitty at a certain A list actress turned entrepreneur’s beachside abode,” the post read.
“And THIS rumour is making the rounds around major Hollywood heavy hitters.”
The story then recounts how a “permanent ‘friend of'” had a “crappy incident” at her home and “didn’t even bother to clean up after himself, but instead, left money for the cleaning staff… forcing them to scrub away at the walls, ceilings and floors-which was allegedly the evidence of the wild night.”
Apparently “word got back to the owner, who was less than amused. She flipped out and told two uber famous friends all about it at a lunch date.”
Deuxmoi later received a follow-up email about the incident. With the subject line “POOPGATE”, the insider said that the story is the talk of the town and that “many people know all the details that haven’t been reported.”
ROMAN. EMPIRE. (Credit: Deuxmoi)
They clarified that the bed was shat in Gwyneth’s home in Montecito, California, not in the Hamptons.
Meanwhile an insider told In Touch Weekly: “Apparently, the man lost control of his bowels. Gwyneth was horrified when she found out what happened. The story leaked out, and everyone is wondering who the guy was.”
Which celebrity did a shit in Gwyneth Paltrow’s bed?
The rumour spread faster than shart down a waterslide, with New York’s fanciest punters wondering who on earth the mystery pooper could be. Now, after some hard-hitting investigative reporting, Daily Mail reckons they know who did poopy in Gwyneth’s guest bed: New York socialite Derek Blasberg.
Blasberg has worn many hats in his time. He’s a writer, author and television personality who has dabbled in fashion. Throughout his career, he’s mingled with the top tier of the American scene and has been a close friend of Paltrow’s for yonks.
According to Daily Mail’s sources though, Ozempic wasn’t the reason Blasberg allegedly shat the bed.
“It’s not Ozempic, that’s just what he told everyone,” the source said.
Girl, if it’s IBS just say so. All hot girls have IBS!
The source also explained that the poop story made its way around the industry after “Gwyneth told Oprah, Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld, and Larry David.”
“It’s shocking how many people know this story and how he has managed to keep it out of The Post… probably via his best friend [socialite Dasha Zhukova] — whose mum just married Rupert Murdoch,” the insider concluded.
Now look, as an IBS girlie, I’ve been in some not-so-hot situations where shitting myself has been on the cards. Thankfully, I’ve so far made it out unscathed. However, this scenario has got me thinking, what would I do if I accidentally shat myself at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house?
I’d do my best to clean up. I’d take a housekeeper aside (because I guess Gwyenth probably has housekeepers?) and pay them an exorbitant amount of money to wash the sheets. Then, with an extraordinary amount of charm, pizzaz and je ne sais quoi, I’d tell Gwyneth the story, ending with “but don’t worry, it’s all clean and sorted”. But hey, it’s easier said than done.
Oh, and for those wondering if the Ozempic excuse really does hold up? It absolutely does and you can read more about the unfortunate side effect here.
What a fun ride this was! I hope the anonymous poster is right and we can expect more silly doodoo stories featuring the most polished people in the world. Celebrities — they really are just like us.
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