To say that comedian Jo Koy‘s shaky Golden Globes intro monologue went down like a lead balloon is an understatement. The excruciating six-and-a-half-minute long monologue — rife with dick jokes and a weirdly stale Meghan Markle gag — might go down in history as one of the worst monologues in award season history. As long time entertainment reporter Kyle Buchanon tweeted, Koy bombed “to an extent I’ve never ever seen at an awards show.” Oh dear.
At various points throughout the monologue, Koy blamed his jokes on the (true) fact he was only called up two weeks ago for the gig. (For context, previous Golden Globe hosts like Ricky Gervais and iconic duo Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, had months to prepare.)
“Some I wrote, some other people wrote,” he riffed at one point, after a joke failed to land. “Yo, I got the gig ten days ago, you want a perfect monologue? Shut up. I wrote some of these, and they’re the ones you’re laughing at.”
Koy’s monologue started with a riff on how Meryl Streep “wins everything”, a joke so tired it’s practically in the grave.
He then admitted to not having watched most of the nominated films and TV shows until signing the contract. “They asked me if I’d watched every show and movie, and I said yes,” he said. “I lied! I only watched Beef.”
However, it was when he got to Barbenheimer that things really took a turn. “Oppenheimer is based on a 721-page, Pulitzer Prize-winning book about the Manhattan Project. And Barbie is based on a plastic doll with big boobies.”
Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no.
“I don’t want you guys to think that I’m a creep,” he continued, “but it was kind of weird being attracted to a plastic doll.” He then reveals he talking about Ryan Gosling‘s Ken, you guys, not Margot Robbie. It’s a gay joke.
Next, he asked Robert De Niro about his new baby with his 45-year-old girlfriend, Tiffany Chen: “How’d you get her pregnant at 80? CGI?” Huh?
Swiftly following that was a joke about Killers of the Flower Moon. “The one thing I learned about the movie is that white people stole everything. Not like 97%, you guys stole 100% of everything. You took the land, you took the oil, you took the premise of the movie. What, that was your premise?” When the joke failed to land, he added, “That’s hilarious, I don’t care. The room’s just really white.”
Next up, a dick joke. Classic of the genre! This one managed to hit Saltburn, Barbie and Maestro all in one, alienating just about everybody. “Is Barry Keoghan here?” Koy asked, as the Saltburn star hid from the camera. “And where’s your penis seated? Down front?” Koy then told the audience to “watch the movie” and “then you’ll know what I’m talking about”. He then added, “Right after that, watch Barbie, and you’ll be like, something’s missing. And then watch Maestro and you’ll be like, oh there it is, it’s on Bradley Cooper‘s face.”
After a joke about Meghan Markle being paid millions by Netflix to “do nothing” (did he steal that joke from roughly two dozen Daily Mail headlines?), the monologue finally, mercifully, ended.
But then he was back with this Taylor Swift cracker:
“The big difference between the Golden Globes and the NFL? At the Golden Globes, we have fewer shots of Taylor Swift.”
Cut to Ms Swift taking a sip of her wine and looking less impressed than anyone ever has.
Below, some of the best reactions (so far) to Jo Koy’s speech.
In happier news, the Golden Globes red carpet was a serve and a half. Check out the best looks here.
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