Former Leeds United boss Brian McDermott has opened up on his battle against alcoholism. The 61-year-old spent one year at Elland Road from 2013-14, after guiding Reading to the Premier League, but has not managed since leaving the Royals in a second spell in 2016.
Speaking to Sky Sports, he said: "I was one of these people, and I would be one of these people if I was to have a drink, once I've picked up one drink I don't stop. That's me.
"Back in the 70s and the 80s it was like a badge of honour to drink lots of alcohol and the best teams had the best drinkers. As a manager, after a defeat - have a drink - you numb that feeling.
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"But, unfortunately with a numbing feeling, you numb the pain, numb the anger and numb the pain, but you numb any joy that you might have and any happiness that you might have. 2011 we lost the play-off final to Swansea and I kind of feel like I jumped over that red line, that little line.
"It was really difficult to deal with that defeat and I went through three months of really, really - I never spoke to anyone - uncomfortable. I felt I'd let everyone down.
"I felt I'd let the fans down, the staff down, the players down, the supporters down, just everybody. I felt I could fill a void inside me by becoming a Premier League manager and that for me was all about filling a void.
"My trying to fill a void was always external - a bigger car, a bigger house, trying to get as much money as possible. When actually if I become a Premier League manager, that's going to be the answer.
"I felt I'd done it. I just thought I'd blew it. I felt personally I'd blown it, I'd blown it for the team. I look back at it now and it's really ungrateful really, because there were so many brilliant staff working with me and so many great players.
"I look back and think 'Is that failure losing a play-off final?' Listen, you didn't win and the goal was to get to the Premier League but it wasn't failure."
"Once I'd made that decision to have a drink, that was it, I started and I didn't stop," McDermott added. "I was waking up in the mornings, when the alcohol stopped working for me - which it did - anxious, depression, that real horrible distress. In Ireland they call it the fear, the sort of fear that you have when you wake up in the morning and I woke up like that a lot of the time."
Reading would win promotion the following season, but the former Royals manager was unable to appreciate his success. He said: "The same sort of thing, we went through the season, started really poorly and just went about trying the process of winning the next game, one game at a time. We'd win a game and I'd have about 20 seconds of absolute relief 'We've won.'
"Then we'd have to go to another game on the Tuesday - try and win - relief. It was never joy. They we got to a game against Nottingham Forest, win the game and get promoted to the Premier League. We're promoted.
"I'd go out that night and have a few drinks. I'd get in about 3:30 in the morning and go back to the Madesjki hotel. I wake up about 7:30 in the morning and I thought 'Is that it? I don't feel any different.''
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