A Tasmanian woman who alleges she is a victim of domestic violence says she feels "gaslit" by the state's justice system after senior police downplayed her claims as "a family quibble" and a magistrate called them a "tenuous thread of allegations".
Emily is speaking out because she believes women across the state are dealing with a "broken system" that "protects perpetrators and re-victimises victims".
"I'm completely burnt out, mentally not coping and have lost all hope in the justice system," she said.
"Each day I wake up wondering if this is the day that myself and my children will be seriously hurt or killed."
Emily, whose name has been changed for legal reasons, said she was abused by her ex-partner.
No charges have been laid and he has never been convicted over the alleged abuse. He has denied the claims in court.
Like many tales of domestic violence, Emily said their relationship started off well.
"He was … an absolute gentleman. Nice and respectful," she said.
The abuse started, she says, three years in, when she was pregnant.
In a Family Violence Order application seen by the ABC, Emily alleged that when she was pregnant, her partner would open food and alcohol near her that he knew would make her start to vomit or turn on lights when she had a migraine.
She described feeling like a 1950s housewife, claiming she could not "go anywhere, spend money or see anyone" by herself and alleged he would get "angry if the house was not showroom-spotless".
"It was unacceptable unless it was like no one lived there. He expected that I would be cleaning all the time," she claimed.
"He raised his voice at me, swearing and berating me, saying things like, 'You're just f***ing lazy'. 'You do f***ing nothing.'
"I would be physically unwell or in pain, but regardless of that, I would make myself maintain the house to a high standard because I feared [his] angry outbursts."
She also alleged in the application that there was sexual violence in the relationship, saying he would grope her regularly and would not stop when she asked.
Sometimes, she claimed, he would do it while she was sleeping, and she would wake up to it. On occasions he was so "forceful" it would leave bruises.
"He pestered me, even when I was in bed with a migraine, and he would come in and out of the room, repeatedly asking, 'Do you want to have sex?'," she alleged.
"Sometimes I just gave in, just to be left alone. This would occur around twice a week on average."
She also claimed he had verbally abused her son and once forced him to do a shot of alcohol. He was just eight years old at the time.
She also alleged that her son had told her he had been in a car accident with her ex-partner, who allegedly threatened to hurt her son if he told her what had happened.
In a supplementary affidavit, Emily also claimed he would throw things at her head, and he had choked her several times.
"At each of these times, I was sleeping and awoke to his hands around my throat. I would struggle and pull at his hands, and he would release me," she wrote.
"When I asked him what had happened, he would say that he was asleep and that he did not know he had done it."
When she finally left him, she thought the system would support her. Instead, she claims, it failed her.
Police label it 'a family quibble'
Leaving behind their home, Emily and her children fled to the other end of the state and spent two months living with family and friends.
To protect her family, she decided to seek a Family Violence Order (FVO) and initially tried to make statements to police about her situation.
She said the first person she spoke to was "really helpful" and told her she was entitled to stay in her house, it was her perpetrator that should leave.
But she claims her ex-partner would not leave the house and the next police officer she dealt with was "dismissive of everything".
Emily said she continued to try and make reports to the police, and while she had some positive experiences, things did not improve.
"[One officer said] 'What did you expect? You took his daughter away from him'."
Emily said police made it clear that she would need to go to the courts for an FVO, and while she initiated that process, she continued to try to deal with police, particularly once she moved back to the area where her ex lived.
In court documents, she alleges her partner and his family members began stalking her and her children. Again, he denied this.
In March this year, she wrote a letter, seen by the ABC, to then-premier Peter Gutwein, claiming she had rung police multiple times but had not got the help she needed.
She claimed she had even been told by a senior police officer that the abuse she described didn't constitute family violence and her case was just "a family quibble".
Her concerns were forwarded to her local police station.
Emily said she received a call from one of the senior officers who she claims "berated" her for 40 minutes, saying she had not made statements to police and they did not have any evidence of her many calls.
"They said [to me] anyone could make up these accusations, 'My wife could make up these accusations about me, doesn't mean it's true'," she said.
In a statement, Tasmania Police Acting Assistant Commissioner Mark Mewis said police were conducting a review in relation to the woman's complaints.
"[Police are] working with partner agencies to ensure the highest level of support services are available for her to ensure risk and safety issues are addressed," he said.
'Why isn't anyone helping us?'
Emily turned to the courts for help and put together an application for an FVO that included the allegations of abuse mentioned earlier and more.
But when presented with the evidence, the magistrate described her case as a "tenuous thread of allegations".
"I must say the material that has been set out in the application and the supporting affidavit is best described as tenuous," he told the court.
Her lawyer said she recognised that, but pressed that the "ongoing coercive elements" meant Emily was concerned for the safety of her and her son.
After saying he didn't need to be "satisfied of much", the magistrate consented to grant an interim order.
"Because of the very, very low bar that is set in the legislation, I'm going to make an interim order, but it's going to be very limited in scope," he told the court.
The magistrate also ordered Emily and her ex-partner into mediation, saying that if it were to proceed to a full hearing, he very much doubted a court would make a final order in her favour.
In mediation, Emily's lawyer told him they had evidence he had been accessing her phone remotely.
The ABC understands he had been able to access detailed location information, photos, documents on google drive and other apps.
Her ex-partner, who had initially opposed the order, finally agreed to it.
But Emily claims the FVO is so limited it barely protects her, and she says she believes her ex-partner is still following her, as are his family members.
Meanwhile, she said police have told her they cannot do anything "because it's the most basic family violence order you can get".
"We live in fear, every single day that this is the day that something serious is going to happen. That we're going to be seriously hurt or killed," she said.
"I suffer from very heightened anxiety every single day. I don't feel like my house is safe, I struggle to go out in public now.
"My son also has expressed this multiple times in tears, crying when incidents have happened, and he's asked me, 'Why aren't the police doing anything? Why isn't anyone helping us?'"
'Unless he's hit you, this isn't violence'
Carolyn Self works for Engender Equality, a Tasmanian not-for-profit that supports victims of family violence.
She said they often heard from clients who were told by police or courts "there's nothing you can do" or "what did you expect?"
"[There are] really deeply routed cultural responses to abuse that isn't physical," she said.
"If there's not the [physical] evidence then [victim survivors] are placed in that predicament that perpetrators have always told them that 'no-one will believe you because there's no evidence'."
She said while the justice system had improved its understanding of family violence, there was still a long way to go.
"There's definitely still a culture present within services that are there to protect victims of family violence … of, unless he's hit you, this isn't violence," she said.
CEO of Women's Legal Service Yvette Cehtel also said victims of coercive control and emotional abuse often struggle to get the help they need.
"This is a pattern of ongoing behaviour of people not having a very sophisticated approach to emotional abuse and intimidation in relationships and not looking beyond individual incidents, which the law really focuses on," she said.
Ms Cehtel said it was time to review Tasmania's laws around economic and financial abuse, which were introduced in 2004.
"We hear a lot that women who use our service do not feel supported in making complaints and a lot of them choose not to [report emotional and economic abuse]," she said.
When asked what she might say to other women in situations like hers, Emily said she could not provide much hope.
"You want people to be able to get out of those situations and feel like that there is light at the end of the tunnel and feel like there are people out there that will help … and keep you safe, but I can't say that to other people because that's not the experience that many other victims have had.
"The system is just letting us down continuously."
Acting assistant commissioner Mewis said Tasmania's family violence act acknowledges that "family violence can take many different forms" and said police take it very seriously.
"Tasmania Police takes all reports of family violence seriously and encourages anyone experiencing any form of violence to come forward and seek support from Tasmania Police," he said.
He said new refresher training with respect to family violence is being developed and the training will be mandatory for all police officers.
A spokesman for the Department of Justice said it "takes all incidences of family and sexual violence seriously, and is committed to supporting victim-survivors".
