Adults have Night Nurse, CBD drops or wine. While administering these elixirs would be a case for calling Childline, the nation’s toddlers have access to something equally soporific, a soothing ritual to transport them off to Noddy Land with a speed and efficiency that ensures their parents can reach for the rosé as soon as their offspring’s sleepy head hits the pillow.
For 13 years, CBeebies’ bedtime stories have been working their somnolent magic via the simple, low-cost, age-old formula that is a human being reading a book. At 6.50pm in living rooms across the country, families with small children settle down in front of the TV, forget their cares and listen to soothing tales of dogs with bonnets, picnicking bears and tigers who came to tea.
Sometimes, the human reads in such soft-voiced, dulcet tones that parents have been known to nod off, too. Sometimes, the human beings are famous: previous bedtime stories alumni include Tom Hardy, Dolly Parton, Orlando Bloom, Eddie Redmayne and Regé-Jean Page. But none of these luminaries has created such a hoo-haa as Harry Styles.
As befits a man who likes to think out of the box when it comes to self-promotion (he recently eschewed GQ or Vogue in favour of being on the cover of Better Homes & Gardens), the book he read was carefully chosen to echo the title of his new album, Harry’s House. Called In Every House, On Every Street and written by Jess Hitchman, it was a comforting tale of family life, with sweet illustrations showing a family doing normal family things. “We sing into spoons and get covered in cake,” read Harry, wearing the expression of a benevolent big brother. “I’ll sing into your spoon any day,” swooned Harry’s fans, eyes trained on the television.
Happily for those who took umbrage with a recent Zane Lowe interview in which he seemed to adopt a curious Australian/American twang, Harry’s Cheshire accent was back in full effect. “We party like pirates and hunt for a treat,” he crooned, with just the right approximation of a knowing smirk. “We dress up like rock stars and sing to the cat,” he grinned.
He himself was dressed less like a rock star than like a giant 28 year-old baby, in brown and blue polkadot pyjamas which, according to harrysfashionarchive.com, were custom-made by Gucci. “Harry was also spotted wearing them while filming a music video in London back in February,” intoned the site, one of several devoted to recording the singer’s every look.
As for the verdict on Harry’s performance, let’s just say that what it lacked in delivery it made up for in charm. Richard Briers, he is not: he could have put a bit more feeling into it. But he was earnest and cute, a tattoed Makka Pakka in Gucci PJs.
“It doesn’t matter whether you live in a house, a flat or a boat - it’s love that turns every house into a home,” he finished, as his fans collectively ovulated on their sofas. “He looks cool. I wish he’d brought his guitar, though,” was the verdict of one four-year old. As a hot take, it’s as good as any.
