V4 engines are all the rage right now. Whether it's Ducati, KTM, or Yamaha, everyone's got to have one to compete at the tippy top of the superbike spear. So it's no wonder that newcomer, but heavy-weight player, CFMoto would be not only developing a V4 platform but saving its debut for this year's EICMA going on right now.
Which is exactly what happened. But there's a problem. And it's a weird one.
Now, when most companies spend countless millions developing a new engine, they want to talk about it. They want to talk it up, talk specs, get into the nitty-gritty, and have myself and my colleagues pore over the details with a fine-tooth comb. CFMoto, however, released the engine, a few pictures, and...that's it. Weirdly, the company hasn't delivered a single word about the V4 engine, just that it exists and is the engine in the pictures within this article.
In light of that—we've reached out to the company to see if we could get anything regarding displacement, horsepower, torque, or literally anything else—we've decided to create a highly sarcastic, very not-real Mad-Libs of what CFMoto's V4 could be. Because why not? It's not like anything in the world is stressing us out. So here are our specs of CFMoto's all-new V4 engine.
Buckle up, I definitely lost my mind on this one.
According to our made-up press release, the first-ever CFMoto V4 is powered by unicorn blood and makes ten quadrillion horsepower, allowing it to propel any motorcycle its fitted in to 600mph in just .00042 seconds in a nod to Douglas Adams and his seminal The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It is, after all, the answer to life, the universe, and everything else.
Torque is sent through a transverse transaxle transvestite from Transylvania, as most V4s are wont to do. Coincidentally, the person responsible for CFMoto's V4 was named Dr. Frank-N-Furter.
In terms of fuel economy, it has some. What it actually is, who's to say. It's like trying to capture the wind or know what's truly in a person's heart. Well, most people's hearts. Mine has worms, and my doctor assures me that other people do, too. It is more common in dogs though...
The pistons themselves were carved directly out of the Great Wall of China, bones of the damned and all. That, according to CFMoto, gives them the strength of diamonds but the flexibility for the combustion chamber to morph into one that'd accept Flex Fuel, white wine, or the aforementioned unicorn blood. The company does highly recommend you don't switch from the blood, though, as others may void the eternal warranty.
Oh yes, your V4 comes with you to the afterlife, which in breaking news, I'm confirming exists right now!
As for assembly, that'll be done by virgin hamsters in a medical-grade bio lab off the coast of Spain, with MotoGP's Carlos Ezpeleta overseeing the operation to the absolute best of his ability. The V4, however, doesn't use oil to ensure everything is running smoothly. In a move that'll surely shock most engine developers and engineers, as well mothers of small children, lubrication is handled by clams. Ground up clams that had previously converted to Satanism.
In terms of cost, well, it's not cheap. CFMoto says the crate motor will set you back two packets of Nilla Wafers, a firm handshake, and the nod of approval of your dad who you haven't seen in 35 years. The company will, however, offer complimentary 23andMe testing to all those who don't know where their dad is, which is pretty nice.
We'll likely see where the production CFMoto V4 ends up in the coming months, but it's more than likely that'll power the brand's youth dirt bikes for millenias to come. Take that, Ducati! And for those that missed this earlier, this is a joke. I needed a laugh. This is a work of fiction.
OR IS IT?!
