I have pushed my body to the limit in the name of food and drink. During restaurant award season, when I was food and drink editor of a lifestyle publication, it was common for me to eat multiple three-course dinners, five nights a week for several weeks; bar awards season meant visiting six bars a night.
The fatigue, the meat sweats, the hangovers, the foggy brain and indigestion are all a walk in the park when compared to the after-effects of taste-testing seven kombuchas in a row. My body has never felt more uncomfortable, tied up and messed around. It felt as if I was under attack by the bajillion organic bacteria that are supposed to be great for gut health.
You know what? Your gut can have too much health.
I should have known. I used to brew my own kombucha with Taiwanese oolong tea, raw sugar, filtered water and ginseng. I learned the golden ratio of tea to water to sugar, how to taste when the first fermentation was ready, and to complete a secondary ferment. I also know that when you are drinking real kombucha (more on that later), 100mL is enough.
To judge these kombuchas, I scored them on aroma, flavour, texture and drinkability. This was a taste test where appearance did not play a role, because let’s face it, all kombucha looks like carbonated pee. A good kombucha should have an even and gentle effervescence from the secondary fermentation. This occurs when juice is added to the fermented tea and carbonation is naturally developed in a closed environment, such as a glass bottle.
As kombucha is a fermented product, it also means it is a living thing. Real kombucha is volatile and continually fermenting, which is why it’s generally found in the fridge. While the cooler environment slows down the fermentation, it doesn’t stop it. This is why kombuchas found on the shelf cause me to raise an eyebrow. Why aren’t those bottles exploding?
To keep things fair, I bought a citrus-based flavours as much as possible. If citrus wasn’t an option, I went for the least wacky variety of the brand. Sadly, that means you will not receive my uncensored tasting notes on a lavender, acai, maqui and purple corn kombucha.
But trust me, I have been through enough.
Best overall
Good Brew Pineapple and Coconut Kombucha, $4.50 for 330mL, ($1.36 per 100mL) available at select grocers and online
Score: 9/10
The bottle almost exploded when I opened it, which is actually a good sign: proper secondary fermentation. There was also a cloudy-looking lurgy in the bottle from the scoby (the starter culture used to make kombucha), – another good sign. The smell, however, was not great – it was overwhelmingly coconutty, which made me think of scented sunscreens and tanning sprays. Thankfully, this did not taste like Banana Boat. The acid from the pineapple balanced the sweet coconut scent and the texture from the defined, but gentle beading (bubbles) in the secondary fermentation gave this a great mouthfeel. The balance between sweetness and vinegarred tartness was also the best of the bunch. Would drink again.
Best value
Remedy Organic Kombucha Ginger Lemon, $4.30 for 330mL, ($1.30 per 100mL) available at major supermarkets
Score: 7/10
For a readily available supermarket product, this was a pleasant surprise. The label claims that it was brewed over 30 days, which tastes about right, as the kombucha tang was present without making me wince. I was particularly impressed with the prominent spice from the ginger, which not only made this an interesting flavour in the lineup, but made me think that using it as a mixer would not go awry. The carbonation is gentle, so on the scale of effervescence it’s a bit like drinking post-mix soft drink. In this case, a good thing.
And the rest
Lo Bros Yuzu Lemonade, $4.65 for 330mL, ($1.41 per 100mL) available at Woolworths
Score: 7/10
As soon as I decanted this into a clear glass, I could see why they packaged it in a dark bottle. The colour is exactly like urine after having a double espresso – probably because of the prominence of black tea in its base. This is probably the best kombucha for people who want the benefits of kombucha, but hate the tart flavour. It’s labelled as lemonade because it drinks like it. It’s light, confected and ridiculously easy to throw back. If you prefer your beverages on the sweeter side, you’ll like this.
Two Boys Brew Real Kombucha Ginger and Lemon Myrtle, $5 for 330mL ($1.52 per 100mL), available at Woolworths and online
Score: 5/10
There is no delicate way to put this. As soon as I sniffed this, I turned to the photographer and said, “This will not be good for my poops.” My stomach flipped right after I took a sip. The smell was such a wildcard. It was almost like opening a bag of marshmallows because of the powerful perfume of vanilla, cinnamon and clove, which had the dual effect of overwhelming the ginger and lemon myrtle while also giving me cognitive dissonance. Ultimately, it tasted of nothing. It was just flat and mild. So many ingredients, such little taste.
Jiva Pomegranate kombucha, $5.50 for 330mL ($1.67 per 100mL), available from Woolworths and select grocers
Score: 5/10
This was the most visually appealing of the bunch – it contains 4% pomegranate juice and has a delightful pink hue. And I don’t know about you, but I love a pink drink. Don’t expect a smack of sweetness from the juice, though. It’s more like when you water down fruit drink for a toddler to make sure they don’t go crazy from all the sugar, while the smell reminded me of another diluted product: diluted developer when processing film, similar to watered-down white vinegar. It was thin on the palate, with gentle effervescence. Inoffensive in a forgettable way, like your friend’s new boyfriend.
Good Culture Society Mango Passionfruit Kombucha, $5.99 for 4 x 250mL cans ($0.60 per 100mL), available from Aldi
Score: 3/10
I have a soft spot for Aldi. Maybe it’s my frugal upbringing or lack of loyalty to branded processed foods, but I always feel as if I’ve won when I find a cheap, quality snack from the German multinational. Usually their products are underdogs, but sadly in this case, this was just disappointing. It came off the shelf (rather than from the fridge) which was a red flag. It tasted like the carbonation wasn’t achieved through a secondary ferment, but rather from the addition of carbonated water. The second red flag was that it smelled like Passiona and lemongrass, in a bad way – like a cheap candle. Flavour-wise, it was like a recreation of a memory of kombucha. It also somehow dried my mouth out entirely from drinking it. How can a beverage be so wet and so dry at the same time?
Nexba Naturally Sugar Free Apple, Pear and Ginger Kombucha, $4.99 for 1L, ($0.50 per 100mL) available from select grocers
Score: 3/10
With this brew, you get what you pay for – not much. It was a dead giveaway that this was “kombucha”, in quotation marks, because it was stored on the shelf rather than the fridge at the grocer, while also claiming it was sugar-free (fermentation requires sugar to, well, ferment), and is flavoured with sweeteners. As soon as I opened this, I pulled my head back in shock from the assault of fake pear and saccharine bubble gumsweetness trapped in my nostrils. It was thin on the palate with light carbonation and the acidic finish was likely due to the addition of citric acid, which I felt in my molars. One of the worst performers of the day.
