Drew Barrymore for two minutes and 19 seconds
Nothing screams sincerity like Drew Barrymore’s tearful, two minute and 19 second apology for restarting her TV show during last year’s actors’ strike. Filmed with no makeup in her very expensive house, the exceedingly long video – starting with the now-iconic line “I believe there’s nothing I can do or say in this moment to make it OK” – was deleted days after it was posted following a torrent of social media backlash.
Barrymore professed there wasn’t a “PR machine behind this” and it was her decision to return to the program – but girl, speaking as a longtime Drew fan, sometimes a little advice goes a long way. – Caitlin Cassidy
Drew Barrymore has released an apology video about resuming production on ‘THE DREW BARRYMORE SHOW’ whilst her writers are fighting for fair pay.
— DiscussingFilm (@DiscussingFilm) September 15, 2023
However, she still plans on being a scab by standing by her decision to continue production. pic.twitter.com/70mrTtsk85
Ja Rule says Fyre festival was NOT A SCAM
The Fyre festival disaster of 2017 truly was a gift from the schadenfreude gods. Taking the time-honoured notes app genre to new heights, the Fyre co-founder Ja Rule delivered the immortal lines: “My partners and I wanted to make this an amazing moment this was NOT A SCAM” (it was absolutely a scam) and “I truly apologize as this is NOT MY FAULT” (to be fair, a court agreed with that bit).
In today’s vastly different social media landscape, I don’t expect the inevitable apologies from the mooted 2 Fyre 2 festival will come close to recapturing that magic. – Alan Vaarwerk
— Ja Rule (@jarule) April 28, 2017
Lena Dunham’s ‘delusional girl persona’
When it comes to celebrity apologies, nobody does it better than Lena Dunham. Or at least: nobody does it more. As she herself admitted in a piece she wrote for LinkedIn (?), “I’ve been apologizing profusely since 1989”.
Dunham’s apology addiction is kept well-fed not just by a public that loves to hate on her, but by her penchant for putting her foot in it. My fave followed a 2016 episode of her podcast in which she said “I still haven’t had an abortion, but I wish I had” – an attempt at destigmatisation that could definitely have been worded better.
“I would never, ever intentionally trivialize the emotional and physical challenges of terminating a pregnancy,” Dunham wrote in her subsequent apology. “My words were spoken from a sort of ‘delusional girl’ persona I often inhabit.” The mea culpa we didn’t know we needed. – Steph Harmon
Patti LuPone would rather burn her mouth
While an apology is all well and good, there is an absolute art form to the non-apology. My personal favourite will always be the politician who shared some, shall we say, robust views about me one day and later denied it – only to be informed that yes, he did say those things, and apologised by saying he was “sorry to hear I said those things to you”.
A close second is Patti LuPone who unapologetically refused to apologise for calling Madonna a “movie killer”, letting her actions – setting her mouth on fire with a death wing instead of uttering “I’m sorry” – speak for themselves. – Amy Remeikis
patti lupone eating a death wing instead of apologizing to madonna 😭 pic.twitter.com/HTDoD8DOAD
— Cris ✨ (@lionesspike) September 10, 2024
Ariana Grande’s insurgent manifesto
The revolution, in case you missed it, has already been televised: in grainy footage released by TMZ of Ariana Grande licking a display of doughnuts while averring, “I hate Americans. I hate America.” This was 2015 and the US has never quite recovered?
Unfortunately Grande was then forced to appear on Good Morning America to apologise for her insurgent manifesto. “You have to really think about what you’re about to say and do because it’s important,” she practically trilled while vamping at the camera. “And … yeah.” – Michael Sun
Ariana Grande apologizing for licking donut and saying i hate America Good Morning America interview (GMA) pic.twitter.com/F43GpYh9bW
— Dylan’s 🗂 (@dylanbuwyg) April 25, 2023
Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher’s worst line reading
Mila Kunis and Aston Kutcher had to backpedal in early September 2023 after it was revealed they had supplied a character statement for fellow That ’70s Show alumnus Danny Masterson, who was awaiting sentencing after being found guilty of two counts of rape. The backlash was fierce enough for the pair to issue a video apology – but reader, it did not go well.
The first issue was the painfully tight script. The second: the way it was read. You’d assume if your job is to act, projecting sincerity would be a breeze, but the rigid lines and painful pauses were cringeworthy, and the word “sorry” was almost lost amid a sea of justification.
The backlash on the backlash ensued – and a week after, the couple stepped down from their roles at the anti-child sex abuse organisation Thorn. – Carly Earl
Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis apologize for writing letters in support of Danny Masterson. pic.twitter.com/PDHiQRZ0CH
— Pop Base (@PopBase) September 9, 2023
Johnny Depp and Amber Heard did not choose to make this video
Remember the time Barnaby Joyce threatened to shoot Johnny Depp’s dog? (And he could do it too, he owns a farm.) Somehow that wasn’t the craziest part of this 2015 saga.
Ultimately it was Depp and Amber Heard who apologised – to Joyce, to the “unique plants, animals and people” of Australia, and above all to the Department of Agriculture and Water Resources.
The Hollywood pair appeared in the rural equivalent of a hostage video, as part of their punishment for smuggling their dogs Pistol and Boo into the country in violation of quarantine rules. “If you disrespect Australian law,” Depp was made to say, “they will tell you firmly.” The video remains online for all to see, forever. – Andrew Messenger
Colleen Ballinger plays the ukulele
When the YouTube star Colleen Ballinger picked up her ukulele and began plucking its strings and singing about the “toxic gossip train”, an infamous apology video was born.
The content creator, also known by her internet character Miranda Sings, had been facing accusations she formed inappropriate relationships with teenage fans. Ballinger denied the “lies” and “gossip” through a 10-minute song, saying her team had advised her against speaking out but “they never said I couldn’t sing”. The fever dream of a video has garnered more than 18m views. Ballinger has since called it “embarrassing” and said that she let her “ego take over”. – Emily Wind
Mario Batali says it with … a recipe
When the celebrity chef Mario Batali was accused of sexual misconduct by four women in 2017, he served up a public apology for “past behavior” in, where else, his weekly email newsletter.
“As many of you know, this week there has been some news coverage about some of my past behavior. I have made many mistakes and I am so very sorry that I have disappointed my friends, my family, my fans and my team. My behaviour was wrong and there are no excuses. I take full responsibility,” he wrote. (He later settled two separate lawsuits with two women who alleged he sexually assaulted them.)
As apologies go, it wasn’t badly crafted – until he ruined it with his decision to end it with his recipe for “Pizza Dough Cinnamon Rolls”, which he called “a fan favorite”. The backlash was swift and immense. If there is a more spermatic-looking dessert, I have not seen it. (And don’t show me.) – Sian Cain
