The 2023 NFL season is just around the corner, and we’ll soon be able to root for our favorite teams and see if they can be the ones to break through the noise and hoist the Lombardi next February.
However, the NFL is just too incredibly silly at times not to have a little fun with.
Like we did with the top 25 college football teams and jokes from Tim Robinson’s I Think You Should Leave, here are all 32 NFL teams entering the 2023 season being explained by clips from The Office.
Sit right on down in this Michael Scott-led Dunder Mifflin Scranton branch staff meeting and see how all of the NFL’s teams project this season.
Arizona Cardinals: Creed's brief stint as regional manager
The Cardinals, at least on paper, look like the worst team in the NFL. The roster is starved for talent, and there is no guarantee that the team won’t be tempted to wave the white flag on this season for a chance to draft a superstar quarterback prospect like USC’s Caleb Williams or North Carolina’s Drake Maye next spring.
As for 2022, the team reminds you a bit of that time Creed very briefly ran Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton branch. Cardinals fans look like they’re in for a bunch of “BOBODDY” this season, whether it’s from a very awkward head coach to a roster that looks like it could be selling veterans for picks at the trade deadline this fall. If you want to tank, you put Creed in charge of the office. It might be a disaster, but you’re doing it for your next hire.
Atlanta Falcons: Kevin's Famous Chili
The Atlanta Falcons enter 2023 with high expectations after outperforming their talent level last fall and adding exciting pieces to both sides of the ball. Many wonder if this is the year a real NFC South contender emerges and takes hold of this wacky division, and it really could be the Falcons.
But also this is the Falcons. If any team in the NFL can pull off a Kevin’s Famous Chili spill at the worst-possible second, it’s those Dirty Birds.
Baltimore Ravens: "How the turntables...:"
The Baltimore Ravens almost let quarterback Lamar Jackson slip right past them in the offseason by refusing to pay one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL like he’s one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL.
Well, Jackson got to the point of a trade request, and that set the entire league ablaze trying to speculate where he might land next. All came to a head right before the 2023 NFL Draft, as the Ravens finally buckled and paid Jackson what he was owed. For Jackson, he got the deal he was so rightly due. For the Ravens, how the turntables…
Buffalo Bills: The DVD Logo
Look, the Buffalo Bills once lost four-straight Super Bowls. This is the ultimate franchise that deserves some source of happiness, and maybe this is finally the year the Bills make it to the mountain top and win a Super Bowl, and that DVD logo finally hits the corner of the television.
Even if it doesn’t, Bills fans have quarterback Josh Allen to lean on to keep watching the screen, waiting and hoping for everything to click.
Carolina Panthers: What Won't Stanley Notice?
The Carolina Panthers might not be very good this year, but the team just traded a fortune to move up in the 2023 NFL Draft for quarterback Bryce Young. We’re guessing that, no matter how much the Panthers struggle in 2023, Carolina fans will stay fixated on Young’s potential. No matter what. No matter how bad they are. They’re not looking at it. Just focusing on Bryce. Don’t worry about the offensive line. Nothing else to see here.
Cincinnati Bengals: Bears, Beats, Battlestar Galactica, Burrowhead
Note to Bengals fans: until you win the big one, don’t make fun of the champs.
Cleveland Browns: Dwight's pumpkin mask
The Cleveland Browns have basically mortgaged their future for a quarterback that hasn’t played a full season since 2020 in Deshaun Watson. Notwithstanding Watson’s awful off-field controversies, the quarterback might just plain be cooked after not starting a full season in three years.
If Watson turns into a pumpkin this fall and doesn’t go back, then the Browns will be like Dwight with his pumpkin mask. It’ll get stuck, no one will be able to fix it and they’ll just look stupid for trading for Watson in general.
Chicago Bears: Megadesk
The Chicago Bears were really good at one thing last year: running the football with Justin Fields. Fields was electric on the ground, but you can only run the football with your quarterback so much to be a successful NFL offense. Fields running the football is a bit like Dwight’s Megadesk.
It’s fun and all until Jim and Pam come back from baby leave, and then you have to give the desks back. The Bears are going to have to be more multifaceted this season, or they’re just going to be yet another Megadesk that gets torn apart when someone comes back to sit down.
Dallas Cowboys: Michael's Pyramid Scheme
“And here, you’ll find the Dallas Cowboys. They haven’t been relevant since the 1990s, but they’ve got Brian Schottenheimer as their offensive coordinator now instead of Kellen Moore. Mike McCarthy is still the head coach. This is their year, though. This is the time to invest in Cowboys hype. If you find a friend to spread your Cowboys hype, and they’ll be able to spread that hype to someone else. Before you know it, we’ll all be dancing in Jerry World with Super Bowl rings.”
Denver Broncos: Parkour! PARKOUR!
If you’re wondering who might be the most has-been franchise in the NFL this year, the Broncos are a team that decided to run it back with an aging Russell Wilson and trade a first-round pick for coach Sean Payton, who hasn’t won a Super Bowl with any franchise since the 2009 season.
Denver would be all the rage with this group, like, 10 years ago. Although, they seem to have more in common with Michael, Dwight and Andy’s behind-the-fad parkour video. The Broncos just look like a football team that’s straining for relevancy and trying to do a gainer off the back wall into the alley. In reality, they might just land in the trash can.
Parkour country, let’s ride!
Detroit Lions: Jim's wrapping paper prank
Much like the Falcons, the Detroit Lions are being given a gift of hope as the team has emerged as a NFC contender and possible division favorite. Led by reclaimed quarterback Jared Goff and fiesty head coach Dan Campbell, it’s entirely possible the Lions shake off decades of terrible football to finally establish a meaningful year of success at Ford Field.
However, you’d have to wonder if the football gods are smirking a bit like Jim is here, wrapping up the Lions’ future like Dwight’s desk just to have it fall apart the second they sit down. If Jordan Love becomes the new great Green Bay Packers quarterback, Justin Fields widens his throwing abilities with the Chicago Bears and Kirk Cousins gets the Minnesota Vikings back into the playoffs… Lions fans might not like what’s coming down the chimney this holidays in the NFC North race (especially if a team poaches offensive coordinator Ben Johnson in January).
Green Bay Packers: Jim's Gone!
The Packers are basically Dwight right now, and Jim is Aaron Rodgers.
You know where this is going; hopefully Jordan Love fairs better than Ryan did as Jim’s replacement.
Houston Texans: Kevin's Small Talk
Look, it might be a little while before there’s anything overtly compelling to say about the rebuilding Texans. They might be one of the worst teams in the NFL this year, which is understandable when you consider where they’ve been and how the rest of the AFC looks. So, we’ll just keep this brief, like Kevin did that one time when he shortened how he talked to unsuccessfully save time. He has more to say on the Texans than we do. We’re at a loss.
Indianapolis Colts: Fire Drill
If the 2023 Indianapolis Colts are Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton branch, Jim Irsay is Dwight trying to conduct a fire drill.
The Jonathan Taylor fracas alone has Irsay emoting major Dwight energy as he creates a giant, burning franchise fiasco for absolutely no reason.
If Taylor gets traded before the deadline this year and it keeps this new-look Colts from really giving quarterback Anthony Richardson the help he needs as he gets acclimated to the NFL, you’ll know who started the fire.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Jim's Mind Control Prank
With the addition of wide receiver Calvin Ridley and the foreboding ascent of Trevor Lawrence as one of the league’s best quarterback, could this be the season where the Jaguars plant themselves as one of the NFL’s best teams?
We already know what the offense can do without Ridley, and the defense looks to only be better than last year. Either Jacksonville perception is playing mind tricks with us, or the AFC is about to get flipped upside down.
…okay, this is the Jags, it’s probably just an umbrella handle shaking the coat rack… or is it?
Kansas City Chiefs: Jim's Altoids experiment with Dwight
The Chiefs have conditioned fans to expect winning with Patrick Mahomes and Andy Reid. Although, what happens if the team suffers a Super Bowl hangover this season? Look back to the time Jim conditioned Dwight to want an Altoid (like Pavlov’s dog) every time he heard a chime on a computer.
If the Chiefs struggle without Chris Jones during his holdout and tight end Travis Kelce injuring his knee in practice this week, could Kansas City fans be left holding out their hands without the return they expect from the recent two-time Super Bowl champs? The rest of the AFC looks as competitive as ever after all. Maybe Mahomes will be enough to keep the whole operation going, but Chiefs fans might not have the patience for anything else but excellence.
It should be a fascinating fall in K.C. whether the Altoid comes or not.
Las Vegas Raiders: The Watermelon Flop
Look, we really don’t know that dropping Jimmy Garoppolo into a Josh McDaniels offense (where the best player in Davante Adams might want to be traded at midseason and the second-best player is only on a one-year extension in Josh Jacobs) is going to work.
Combined with a subpar defense (sans that pass rush) and all the Raider-ness that seems to haunt this franchise, it feels like Las Vegas could be rolling the dice on a rookie quarterback next spring. This season feels like it’ll be a watermelon that’s supposed to bounce off a trampoline that goes hurling into someone’s car. Maybe it’ll work, but basic physics might not agree.
Los Angeles Chargers: The Koi Pond
Look, we really want to like the Chargers this year. We really do. Kellen Moore could do some awesome things with this offense, and a healthy Chargers defense could cause lots of problems for any opponent.
But… they always feel like they’re sauntering in every season with promise, only to fall in the koi pond Michael Scott-style when they get close to the goal line. It’s embarrassing, but is it just the Charger way?
Miami Dolphins: Who or Whom?
In honor of Dolphins’ head coach Mike McDaniel’s legendary “Who?” 49ers press conference moment, here’s the Dunder Mifflin Scranton branch debating the proper usage of who and whom in a sentence.
Minnesota Vikings: Closing Time
This will probably be Kirk Cousins’ last year with the Vikings as he’s a free agent this offseason. We’re already mentally preparing ourselves to hearing about this non-stop for the next couple of months. We get it; it’s “Closing Time” for Cousins and the Vikings. Please leave us alone.
New England Patriots: Michael Houdini
How long can Bill Belichick keep the post-Tom Brady years going in New England? The team has struggled to recapture that Brady year magic, and Belichick has tied himself up with a quarterback room that features Mac Jones and Matt Corral at the moment.
Will that actually work? Or, will Belichick get himself all wrapped up like Michael Houdini without a key to unlock Pats success before he retires?
New Orleans Saints: Michael drives into a lake
The New Orleans Saints have the second-oldest roster in the NFL, and the team absolutely refuses to blow it up and try actually replenishing the roster with young talent in the name of chasing a 9-win ceiling every year in the remnants of the post-Drew Brees era. This team is old, people. They literally gave quarterback Derek Carr a massive deal to try and keep this thing afloat.
All the Saints have to do is just bear right and try embracing the post-Brees/Payton years by cleaning up the cap space and shedding those bad contracts the team gave out during its duct-tape days. However, the duct-tape days aren’t over. Mickey Loomis keeps pushing the cap burden down the road, and it’ll catch up with them some day. They’re just going to continue to drive off the road into shallow water, back it up and try again until this team gives up on the past and just presses the reset button. Winning the NFC South just to get bounced by a better team in the playoffs just ain’t worth it.
New York Giants: A delicious New York slice
The New York Giants surprised everyone last year with a resurgent Daniel Jones at quarterback and a promising first season for head coach Brian Daboll. Nobody saw it coming, and it begs the question of if it will last.
In the treacherous NFC East, will the Giants be able to replicate that success, or will the team go from a gourmet pizza back to Michael’s favorite N.Y. slice? Either the Giants are for real, or they’re headed back to Sbarro.
New York Jets: Ryan Returning to Dunder Mifflin
After all these years, it’s probably fair to say that Aaron Rodgers is the Ryan Howard of the NFL. When he’s not off peddling COVID conspiracies with Joe Rogan, Rodgers remains one of the game’s true enigmas.
His attempt to gain a second career wind with the New York Jets of all teams feels a bit like when Ryan made it back to Dunder Mifflin after being canned at corporate for business misdeeds. He’s rocking a goatee, putting on a good face on Hard Knocks and trying to take one of the most beguiled franchises in NFL history to a Super Bowl.
However, don’t be fooled. He knows we’ve all been making fun of him over the past few years for his bizarre behavior, and we’re guessing he’s keeping a little book of petty grudges in his locker.
Philadelphia Eagles: Borrowing from Georgia
The Philadelphia Eagles went wild for Georgia Bulldogs this offseason, drafting three defenders from the University of Georgia (Jalen Carter, Nolan Smith, Kelee Ringo) to join two other former Georgia defenders on the roster (Jordan Davis, Nakobe Dean). It’s an Athens affair in Philadelphia this fall.
In honor of Georgia, here’s the time Andy’s ability to do a Savanna, Georgia, draw unintentionally got him in trouble with Kevin. Hopefully the Eagles will have better luck borrowing from Georgia than Andy did.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Michael and Dwight meet Jerome Bettis
Pittsburgh feels like it could be a Wild Card contender this season. Could the Steelers actually win the AFC North this year and get a home playoff game?
Well, we like what they’re doing on defense and the Kenny Pickett/George Pickens could be a lot of fun, but we’ll let Steelers legend Jerome Bettis answer this question as to Pittsburgh’s chances in the division.
San Francisco 49ers: Always thinking one step ahead
The San Francisco 49ers have one of the smartest head coaches in the NFL in Kyle Shanahan and a savvy general manager in John Lynch. However, the team also made the startling decision to trade quarterback Trey Lance, a guy they traded three first-round picks to draft back in 2021.
Normally, this type of move would signal a major franchise disaster, but Shanahan’s team is still a Super Bowl contender despite of it. Even of Brock Purdy regresses this season and the defense clearly misses DeMeco Ryans calling the plays, we’re assuming Shanahan will still try to offensively scheme his way to a playoff berth. He always seems to think he’s one step ahead… like a carpenter… who builds stairs.
Seattle Seahawks: Gimme that Dog!
One of Seahawks coach Pete Carroll’s good friends is actor Will Ferrell, and we’ll let this clip from Ferrell’s guest stint on The Office sum up what the Seahawks may do to the NFC West this season if the 49ers take a step back.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: First Aid Fail
The Buccaneers are trying to keep hope alive after the retirement of Tom Brady, but things do not look promising for Tampa Bay. The team is trotting out Baker Mayfield at quarterback and could be so bad this offseason that they have to trade wide receiver Mike Evans by the trade deadline as his contract expires this fall.
The team, like New Orleans, just couldn’t bare the thought of sparking a rebuild this fall, but trying to resuscitate a team that looks past its Super Bowl prime and well on the way to rebuild might backfire like it did when Michael and Dwight tried to learn CPR.
Tennessee Titans: Fake Stairs
The Titans used to be one of the most entertaining teams in the NFL, and Mike Vrabel has kept his guys competitive through some very tough moments. However, this year it feels like the Titans are just trying to keep up appearances while they prepare for a long-term rebuild of its roster.
Rough draft classes from former general manager Jon Robinson, a very solid defense and a spotty offense built around aging veterans like Ryan Tannehill, Derrick Henry and DeAndre Hopkins might make this a fun team on some Sundays, but the gig will be up eventually.
This is a transitional year for Tennessee; it’s Michael going up and down fake stairs to “rally the troops.” Although, c’mon, we all know there are no stairs.
Washington Commanders: Goodbye, Toby
After decades of pain and sorrow, Washington fans can finally sing “Goodbye, Snyder!” to deeply problematic former owner in Dan Snyder. Snyder selling the Commanders this offseason after years of controversies and poor management has to be like when Michael finally got rid of his archenemy Toby, the human resources representative and sang an altered rendition of Supertramp’s “Goodbye Stranger.”
Sure, it might get a little weird as Commanders fans dance on the grave of the Snyder era while belting a very sarcastic goodbye song, but maybe there will be better days head… unlike for Michael.
