If the call came, would you be the next James Bond? Bigbadsean
Wouldn’t happen. There’s a sequence to the casting of 007. They choose an actor from one of the smaller UK nations, then from a non-British Commonwealth country and finally an Englishman – and repeat. Actor from smaller UK nation (Connery, Scotland), non-British actor (Lazenby, Australia), Englishman (Moore, England). Sequence completed, we go again: actor from smaller UK nation (Dalton, Wales), non-British actor (Brosnan, Ireland), Englishman (Craig, England).
So, you see, I couldn’t be the next Bond. It’ll be James Nesbitt (Northern Ireland), Ryan Gosling (Canada), then an Englishman. Assuming Nesbitt and Gosling do three movies each (one every three years), the earliest I could take the role would be 2041, when I’d be in my 80s. That’s almost certainly too old. While I have ideas as to how the role could be slightly rewritten to accommodate the secret agent’s mobility and bladder issues, even then I think it very, very unlikely they’d choose me. Given all that? Not going to happen … probably not going to happen.
I’m a vegan. What would it take to convince you to become vegan, too? elykwh
I’m already about 70% vegan and have to say I don’t find it that hard. My last Sunday roast? Potatoes, carrots, parsnips, broccoli, cauliflower and beef. So, almost entirely vegan. Same with Nando’s. You’ve got your chips, your macho peas, your corn on the cob – show me a single thing on that plate that’s come from an animal. You can’t. Have another look. You still can’t. In most places, with only a minimum of effort, large portions of your meal can and will be vegan. So, be good to yourself, be good to the planet and go largely vegan today.
What song should be played at your funeral and who should sing? ambandib2005
There’s a homeless busker who performs at St Stephen’s underpass in Norwich. Some say he lives with his mum and pretends to be without a home to monetise the public’s pity for the downtrodden. I’m not sure; he looks homeless enough to me. But his act! A voice like thick honey, Kenneth-Williams-style diction and a set list comprising your Snow Patrols, Stereophonics and a slightly-too-high Goo Goo Doll encore. He’s the best singer I’ve ever heard (so far). And because I’m getting cremated and they position the singer near the furnace doors, he’d get to enjoy the warmth while singing. Even in death I’ll be giving a bit back to the needy. (Song: Pipes of Peace.)
Who would be your ideal partner in Strictly Come Dancing? mesm
I’ve given this a lot of thought and all things considered I’d go for one of the women.
What were the greatest life lessons you learned from your parents? Abadabs
From my father, I learned how to strengthen conkers (soak in vinegar, bake for two hours at 140C/gas mark 1). From my mother, never, ever stop to help a broken-down vehicle – even if they look to be in distress. It’s actually a trap set by robbers.
Have you given up on finding true love? baffledbylife
It makes me laugh when people say that. I feel true love every day: the true love of seeing a flower in bloom, of hearing a bird in song, of a freshly baked loaf or a gambolling lamb. I delight at the first dew of spring and the final leaves of autumn. And my heart positively soars when I’m about to reverse out of a parking space, but then realise the space in front is empty, meaning I can zoom out forwards. So, you see, true love fills my every waking hour. For what it’s worth, I also happen to be in a sexful relationship with a woman. But yeah, like I say, makes me laugh.
Radio, TV, books, films, podcasts. What worlds are left for you to conquer? CarrAgger
I’m increasingly drawn to the world of long-form documentary. What would mine be? Easy: the definitive history of the Vietnam war. Once that’s done – it would take eight to 10 weeks – I might direct a movie. The possibilities of cartoon excite me. There’s an elegance and poetry to animation that’s hard for live action to match. Also, if you have an idea for a scene where a character’s head has to turn round 350 degrees (which I do), animation makes it much easier.
If you weren’t available, who would you choose to anchor the next election night at the BBC? WyzacH
Matt Baker. Next question.
What has been your most rewarding spiritual experience? Aaaaaal
The opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics. I was watching the left-leaning propaganda display with a Welsh woman I’d accidentally started dating, and she asked if I had any Doritos, perhaps because she was hungry or wanted to crunch loudly over the commentary. I nipped to the garage and bought a bag, but didn’t buy salsa as I had a jar in the cupboard. When I got home, I noticed the salsa had gone off in 2010, but we tucked in anyway, since best-before dates are a scam. It was only when we finished that I noticed the expiry date actually said 2001.
The stomach cramps were the first to come, followed by dizzying nausea and soon (lots of) vomit. For the next six hours, we were sick again and again, locked in a double helix of distress and euphoric relief accompanied by the smell of wet wipes. It became a hallucinogenic, out-of-body experience. We found ourselves hugging and laughing, sharing our innermost thoughts, lost in flights of fancy and repeatedly being sick. By sunrise, it had worn off. I called her a cab and emailed my assistant five carefully chosen words: “Get me a cleaner, quick.”
I think of my life as the story of two Alans: the Alan before the time I was sick watching the opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics and the Alan after the time I was sick watching the opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics.
As a man with few equals, who can think on his feet while talking eloquently into a microphone, isn’t it time we heard you commentating on a Cup Final? thedribbler2
It’s a good question and, despite the fact you inexplicably capitalised the words “Cup” and “Final”, one I’m happy to answer. The only football finals I’d be prepared to commentate on would be for the women’s game. I’ll probably take some flak for this, but I happen to believe that women and girls are the future of the sport. Like I say, might not be the cool or popular thing to say, but it’s just what I happen to believe.
As an authority on the benefits of self-reflection and continuous improvement, what are your top three regrets and how did you learn from them? MarkAP
Laughed at wife when face swelled up after bee sting(s); kicked pig; wasn’t great dad. Don’t believe in looking back, so haven’t learned from them.
From the Rover Vitesse fastback to the Vauxhall Insignia, you have owned some of the truly great modern automobiles. Which has been your favourite car over the years? cy7000
An interesting question, and the answer may surprise you. I could easily reel off the high-class cars I’ve driven over the years: 2022 Range Rover Velar, 2021 Range Rover Vogue SE, Range Rover Sport 4.4 V8 petrol. But years before then, as a younger man in a simpler time, I fondly remember pootling around Norfolk in a humble little runaround. Wasn’t the fanciest nor most expensive, but it had personality, and that matters more than anything to me. I cried when I had to sell it. It was a 2002 Range Rover HSE+.
What’s your opinion on the rise of electric cars? CosmoLang
As Norfolk’s car laureate, it’s my job – my privilege – to promote car ownership and usage across the county. As such, I’m largely fuel-agnostic: what powers our vehicles is less important than that we’re in our vehicles. Remember: Norfolk is a big, flat pancake of a county with fewer public transport journeys available per head, as a percentage of mean population density, than anywhere in the UK. And although I made that statistic up, cars will continue to be central to our prosperity, not to mention our ability to get to work or our racquets club.
Does that make me an apologist for big oil or large petrol? Not a bit. Don’t forget, in the 90s, I was one of the first car-liking public figures to openly discuss catalytic converters, and not just because I liked saying the words “catalytic converter”. And while this isn’t the place to get into the whole he-said-she-said of whether climate change is actually happening, what I will say is that while cars are demonised, other sources of greenhouse emissions get off scot-free. Prime example? Cow trumps.
While I welcome the rise of electric cars, I don’t necessarily see it as the only show in town. With the technology available to make smaller and smaller reactors, we’d be fools to rule out the emergence of the nuclear hatchback.
• Big Beacon by Alan Partridge is published by Orion (£25). To support the Guardian and the Observer, order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply
