If you cringe hard every time you hear a dad joke, this list might not be for you… However, if this type of humor is something you enjoy, make yourself comfortable, as boy, do we have a treat for you today.
Collected from the gold mine that is the ‘Dad Jokes’ subreddit, these jokes ought to make the hall of fame of puns dads are famous for. If you’re as excited about them as we are, wait not a second longer and scroll down to view them. And make sure to upvote your favorites!
#1
Why does Dracula always bite people in the neck?
Because he's a neck romancer.
EDIT: getting downvoted, might have been a grave mistake posting here...
EDIT 2: getting a lot of upvotes now, I guess the Count is risingThe day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said... "...40 second birthday". I was so proud.Never understood why dads and corny jokes were a thing. I did notice it's a mostly true thing.
But I understand today. Asked my four year old what an 8 is. He doesn't know so I enlightened him that it's a zero with a belt.
Lost. His. Shit. He's just mastered numbers and letters and this was hysterical to him. I'm the funniest man alive. He's told the joke back to me about twenty times. Today.
Teenagers, this is why dads tell those jokes. They're chasing the indescribable high of this moment with a little kid. I found them cringeworthy as a teenager, but I get it now.My local barber was arrested yesterday for selling drugs. I've been his customer for years. Didn't even know he was a barber!As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know, one would have been enough.”FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: *turning to daughter* "If you don't sleep with him, I will."Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on RedditMy friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography. I don't believe him, but that's his story and he's sticking to it.My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practicing it a lot.”My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding... She got mad and said she's never playing scrabble with me againMy wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have [intercourse]?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 ozMy son asked why Star Wars movies came out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3.
I answered in my best yoda impersonation: ‘In charge of scheduling, I was’
My son loved it, I heard a sigh from my SO, and when I looked at her, she just shook her headMy wife asked me to flip the calendar to the next month... To my surprise, the calendar skipped from April to June. I turned to tell her we're missing a month.
She said, "What's the matter? You look dis-Mayed..."
She's apparently been waiting a month for this set upJust got a pet termite called Clint—Clint Eats Wood.I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?" I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused. Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is BrianThe wife and I were walking in Target this evening. We were walking in the clothing section, behind an employee who was moving a mannequin. Out of nowhere the whole arm pops off, and the poor woman can’t bend to pick it up because… ya know… she’s holding the rest of the mannequin. So I walk up, grab the limb while she’s looking around for another employee to help, hold it out to her and say…
“Here, let me give you a hand”
She took it. No laughter. My wife? NothingIt was so cold yesterday my computer froze. It was my own fault though, I left too many windows open.I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... “That’s just spam.”Two men walk in to a bar. The first man says, 'I’ll have some H2O.' The second man says, 'I'll have some H2O, too.' The second man dies.Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkableA woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"
Slim to Nun?
(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)A guy went to a costume party carrying a woman on his back. The doorman asks, 'What are you supposed to be?' The guy replies, 'A turtle.' The doorman asks, “What’s on your back?' The guy says, 'That's Michelle.'Once upon a time, there was a king that was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible leader, but he made a great ruler.What genre are national anthems? Country.Can one of the Mods please explain to me why my post was removed? I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over....My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!” I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation...It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house... The difference is staggeringDid you hear about the guy who got divorced and remarried? It was a wife-changing experience.Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicineI broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching our wedding video again.My offspring came out as transgender last night. As far as I’m concerned, I have no sonI tried doing 100 sit-ups but I didn't finish. My stomach couldn't handle that kind of ab use.As an American, it’s sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore. I just bought this new TV and it says “Built in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions, but don't worry. I'll return.Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me he said "Hi sir I'm David, nice to meet you". He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"When you thought you’ve just about heard all the Will Smith and Chris Rock jokes already, I present you with this one:
1Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 lettersA man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. “That’s one too many!” says the customer. The clerk replies “It’s a freebie”I am Buzz Aldrin. Second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.What country's capital is growing the fastest? Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.A history degree is useless. There's no future in it.My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”You should stay away from left-handed people. Something's not right about them.My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me. She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?” I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”It's not just cell phones that distract drivers, today there was a rug-maker commuting in rush hour. He was weaving in traffic.My son was just born(!) and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...I just learned how the pawn moves in chess. It's pretty straightforward.Someone came into my house and stole my fruits. I'm peachless.My wife tells me I have no sense of direction. I have no idea where that came from.My three year old was putting stickers on my Rolex. I said, 'not on my watch!'The Himalayan Sasquatch is often misidentified. Yeti carries on.Why is it spelled 'camouflage' and not .What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question with a dad joke?All I asked my son to do was to not use my whistle. But he blew it.My kids just told me that I own every board game except one. I had no Clue.Why did the melons get married in a church? Because they cantaloupe!Did you know that Sylvester Stallone is on his third marriage? His first was rocky. His second was rocky, too!Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of The QuaranteensI took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she started crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"If Ani is short for Anakin and Obi is short for Obi-Wan, what is Luke short for? A stormtrooper.The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her. I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peak-a-boo accident?
To the I.C.U.Did you hear about the local bakery that burned down? Their business is toast.Don't you want help putting on your tuxedo? Okay, suit yourself.Did you hear about the poor guy who lost his entire left side in an accident? He's all right nowBREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus... In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mum's spaghettiWhat has five toes but isn't your foot?
My foot.What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer? Quacks in the pavement.Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. She asked how warm is it inside. I replied Lukewarm.Just happened, proud of myself: just had a quick office zoom meeting with a lot of people. As each person popped on zoom made that “DING DONG” sound. One of my bosses said “anyone that can figure out how to make Zoom stop doing that is gonna get a prize.”
I said “are you gonna give them the No-Bell prize?”Spring is in the airWhy was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because they had a fight and 2021What size of clothes is there always leftovers of? XS.I was reading the history of the French Revolution, and just found out what happened to Louis XVI ‘s head.
[removed]What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was out standing in his field.What’s on Chris Rock’s Face?
Fresh Prints!Why do they put fences around cemetery? Because people are dying to get in.
