As Christmas creeps ever closer, there’s one day marked out on calendars for a less-than-thrilling reason: December 11, aka the most common day of the year to breakup. So in the unfortunate circumstance you’re observing this particular holiday this year, here’s some advice for how to breakup with someone.
Increasingly known as Breakup Day, December 11 was discovered to be the day with more couples calling it quits than any other on the calendar.
This unusual stat was found when data analysts noticed a spike in breakup posts on Facebook occurring on the day two weeks before Christmas. And despite Facebook’s relationship status function becoming vastly outdated, the title of Breakup Day has stuck.
TBH it makes sense really, when you combine all the stresses of living in the modern world (climate crisis, cost of living crisis, housing crisis, etc) with the anxiety induced by the Christmas period, this span of weeks can be a rather emotional time.
Plus there’s the fact folks are looking to split with someone before they affectionate holiday period with someone they don’t feel that way with.
However, thrilling as statistical analysis is, it tends to leave the heart and emotions out of the story. Sure, you’re breaking up on the same day as lots of other couples — but that hardly makes it easier to actually do.
So for anyone looking to dump someone nicely and fire up their roster, here’s how to do it, courtesy of clinical psychologist and founder of upcoming dating/friendship app Tribal, Rachel Harker.
How To Break Up With Someone According To A Psychologist
1. Be Honest & Don’t Blame
Just as honesty is key to being in a relationship, it is also key to ending them. Harker advised that you should avoid beating around the bush or making up false reasons for why you need to end the relationship.
“Be respectful of your partner and let them know why you have made this decision without placing the blame entirely on them,” she said.
“Think about what you want to say ahead of time and plan the conversation to help you prepare.”
It can be a tough thing, but be honest! If they made mistakes, tell them. If you made mistakes, they deserve to know. Honesty is essential for helping both you and your ex grow as people.
2. Breakup In Person
This second piece of advice can also be translated as: “Do NOT breakup over a text.”
As tempting as it can be to get the deed done from the safety of a phone, email, or friend passing on the message (throwback to primary school), the healthiest thing is for this hard chat to be done in person.
“If possible, always have this conversation in person,” Harker advised, adding that you should find a “private, neutral space”.
That said, sometimes for the sake of safety it is better for you not to see the other party. In these cases, ensure you have a support network in place, and consult with family, friends, and professionals where necessary.
3. Write A Letter
It can be difficult to get words perfect during the emotional moment, so in recognition of this Rachel Harker suggests penning a letter to the person you are splitting with.
“If you are feeling anxious about conveying your message or getting your wording right, consider writing a letter to either give or read out to your partner,” she said.
“This will help ensure you get out all your thoughts and feelings.”
Added benefits of writing a letter are that it can also provide an ex with something tangible as they move on, as well as something to revisit when time makes it difficult to recall why the breakup was necessary.
4. Give Them Space to React
Everyone processes tough times differently, so it’s crucial to allow your ex space to react in whatever way they need to.
“Allow them to process this news in whatever way comes naturally to them. They may need time to process their emotions and what they just heard, especially if the breakup came as a shock to them,” Harker explained.
Again, look out for yourself in this situation too! Never put your own safety at risk if you aren’t sure how someone will react.
5. Set Boundaries
After the breakup itself comes the healing, which is why Harker advises that you should set up and agree upon boundaries by asking the following questions with your new ex:
- Is it important for another face-to-face?
- Should you have a phone call in a few days to check in?
- Is it best to have some time apart and establish a No Contact period?
“Agree together what the best next step is for both of you. You both may need some time before you can decide if you will remain in each other’s lives,” she said.
6. Self-Care & Look After Yourself.
Finally, the most important sixth step is to prioritise self-care.
“Whatever the reason for the breakup, you are likely also grieving the end of this chapter of your life. Prioritise looking after yourself, self-compassion is important during times of loss,” Harker said.
Some tips for looking after yourself are getting proper amounts of sleep, eating well, and taking care of your physical and mental health. Buy yourself a new exfoliator and pair of runners, and book yourself an outing with friends, family, and a therapist if you need!
And remember: Breakup Day may be on December 11, but it is only one day with countless after it to find new love and zest for life.
Best of luck to you as you start this new stage of your life!
- If you need mental health support, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or chat online.
- Under 25? You can reach Kids Helpline at 1800 55 1800 or chat online.
- If you require immediate assistance, please call 000
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