Every golf club is different in its own unique way, but you'll also find a lot of similarities in every clubhouse you set foot in: discussions about slow play, debates around the World Handicap System and opinions flying back and forth around course conditioning, the best new golf clubs and the rules.
Refreshingly, you'll also find the same types of characters in every golf club you visit. Below, we discuss the 10 people you're almost certain to find...
1) The Good Guy
The good guy is someone everyone knows and everyone enjoys playing with. They’re always good for a round (golf and drinks), rarely take the game too seriously, and are always genuinely interested in how you’re playing and what you’ve been up to. “Played with John the other day.” “John who?” “You know, John Smith.” “Smiffy? Salt of the earth that guy.”
2. The Busybody
The house manager can’t order new beer mats without this guy having an opinion. As for changing the house ale, this causes the club busybody to go in a right spin. Temporary greens, trolley bans, handicaps, toilet roll quality… there’s nothing this guy doesn’t get involved with. Naturally, they’re on the committee(s), and they’ve not missed a meeting for 32 years.
3. The Swing Bore
“Oh no, here comes Roger.” Roger is a Swing Bore. When he enters the bar, it soon empties. To be fair to Roger, he’s actually a lovely chap. There are lots of Rogers – really pleasant people, but completely wrapped up in their own games. No one, except maybe for the club pro whose mortgage Roger is paying, cares about your struggles with coming over the top.
4. The Grafter
The Grafter deserves every bit of success that comes their way. The practice range is their second home and they can be seen warming up in the short-game area an hour before their tee time every Saturday. Without fail. Their golf bag has more training aids in it than golf clubs; they’re never shy to ask the pro for a lesson; and they’ll not only hit balls before they play, but afterwards, too.
5. The Moaner
If Roger the Swing Bore doesn’t make you down your drink and leave, The Moaner will. Your course has never been in better condition, but this guy will find faults: a tee marker a fraction out of place; an indent in the bunker; JUNIORS on the course; the pro shop out of pencils. There’s just no pleasing The Moaner.
6. The Drinker
“Not today, Dave, I’ve got a spin class later.” Five hours later, you and Dave are settling into a steady rhythm at the bar. Dave has attracted other members and there’s talk of “moving on to somewhere else”. For Dave, having a post round drink is just as important as playing golf itself, sometimes even more so. He’s good company and difficult to say no to, hence why you’re always leaving your car at the club overnight and picking it up the next morning.
7. The Chatterbox
The Chatterbox can actually be very good company – but really they’re best enjoyed in small doses. It’s not that you don’t want to talk about their latest skiing holiday, the cost of living crisis, the Premier League and financial fair play, Covid-19 conspiracy theories, and Elon Musk’s space plans, just not all in the space of one hole. .
8. The Wannabe Pro
The Swing Bore is a different beast to the Wannabe Pro. Swing Bores are generally more tolerable, and you can actually tell them to put a sock in it and they won’t be offended – they know they’re doing it. The Wannabe Pro enjoys an audience. Yes, they’re good – but how good? They’ve got a scholarship and they want everyone to know it. In a few years’ time they’re going to be a pro, probably playing on the PGA Tour.
9. The Handicap Bandit
So long as this great game is played, there will always be handicap bandits. Golf clubs wouldn't be the same without them – who would we have to moan about, other than The Busybody, The Moaner, The Chatterbox and The Wannabe Pro? The Handicap Bandit is not necessarily a bad guy, they’re just not popular winners.
10. The Serial Winner
Every golf club has a serial winner, its very own Tiger Woods. Sometimes they’re simply the best, the club champion year after year. Their name can be seen on pretty much every honors board since 1962, and there’s no sign of that changing in the near future. It’s a honor to play with this chap – you can learn a lot.
