The prosecution: Hugo
Our bed is full of scratchy crumbs. I issued a food ban years ago but Harriet completely ignores it
My partner Harriet and I have been living together for six years, and the one thing that’s not changed during that time is her bed-eating habits. I can’t deal with crumbs in the bed. I have had a ban on food in the bedroom for as long as I can remember, but she just ignores it.
I hate getting into bed and feeling as if I’m lying on sandpaper. The crumbs are scratchy against my legs. Harriet will deny eating in bed until the cows come home, but I can feel bits of crisps and breadcrumbs on me. It drives me mad.
Sometimes, I will make us get out of bed and vacuum the sheets, or brush the crumbs out by beating the sheets with a cushion. It’s not a very relaxing routine when you’re meant to be winding down. Often, Harriet thinks the whole thing is funny; other times she calls me paranoid.
I think the idea of eating in bed is bad for you, in a psychological sense. Harriet will stay in bed all day “working”, but I don’t think she does as much as she could. Lying down, surrounded by packets of food is gross and doesn’t set you up for a solid day of work. I prefer to go to a co-working space as I think it’s important to put some distance between home and work. It’s especially important to create a space between sleeping and working, but if you work in bed all day that’s impossible.
When I try to tell her off, she says “I’m not being constrained by your patriarchal norms,” and claims I’m trying to control her. It has nothing to do with the patriarchy; I’d just like the bed we share to be clean and crumb-free. That’s not too much to ask, is it? Harriet also says that because she is the one doing most of the cleaning in our flat she can make whatever mess she wants, but that is ridiculous. We live together and need to make an effort to be clean for each other, otherwise we’ll end up justifying any type of bad behaviour.
The defence: Harriet
Food tastes better in bed. But I also keep it clean – Hugo is just imagining the crumbs on the sheets
I eat everything in bed – and I usually hide the evidence pretty well. One time, I chucked the wrapper of some gluten-free biscuits down the side of the bed – Hugo was not happy when he found it. I work from home all day as a freelance writer, whereas Hugo uses co-working spaces for his social marketing job.
Sometimes I’ll eat a whole meal in bed. I make sure I take the plate downstairs so Hugo doesn’t know, but afterwards the room can smell of food so I get caught out. It’s hard not to spill things in bed, but I’ve perfected the art of propping a hard pillow behind me and balancing my plate of goodies on another cushion in front of me. I just tuck my chin in a lot when I eat.
Food just tastes better in bed. When you look at dogs in the wild, or even in a house, when you give them a delicious piece of food, they retreat to their bed to eat it, which has a lot to do with feeling safe and comfortable. I’m like a dog in that sense.
The sort of person who eats in bed is also the sort of person who can’t be bothered to go to the shop. That’s me. I’ll just raid the cupboards and see what’s there. I’m partial to rice cakes, crisps and whatever snacks we have lying around, but these are quite crumby. I’ve also been known to eat a Domino’s pizza in bed, which is deliciously naughty. That is usually saved for when Hugo is out, as I know I’ll get mega-told-off for that.
I have tried to eat less in bed recently, as Hugo really hates it, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference to how much I get accused. When Hugo and I get into bed at night, I’ve noticed he’s paranoid about crumbs, even when there aren’t any. He will say, “Agh, the sheets feel like sandpaper on my legs.” He can be dramatic, but the thing is, most of the time there is no food left in the bed because I’m a clean freak. I remove the crumbs and vacuum, and also change the sheets once a week. So, Hugo is imagining crumbs. I guess it’s a bit like “the boy who cried wolf”. Nowadays, he just doesn’t believe me. It’s probably my fault.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Harriet stop eating in bed?
In Ireland, we have a saying: “I wouldn’t kick them out of bed for eating crisps”, but in Harriet’s case, I absolutely would. A bed should be for sleeping and sex, not the slovenly act of eating in and leaving the shrapnel behind.
Alex, 28
If Harriet lived alone she could do as she pleased. However, she’s in a relationship so the bed is a shared space. When negotiating the terms of cohabitation, it is fair to refer to social norms and best practice. Eating in bed is problematic because spills are hard to clean up. She needs to concede.
Irene, 53
Hugo cannot simply “ban” and “tell off” his partner for doing something she wants to do. If he wants her to stop eating in bed, they should have a discussion – or sleep in separate beds. Eat away, Harriet, and live your best life!
Ben, 49
Usually I’d be on Harriet’s side here, as Hugo sounds a bit bossy. But I must say, Harriet’s commitment to habitual bedtime eating sounds both deranged and extremely devious, given all the crumbs and smells, and Hugo’s clear objections. Eating in bed is a treat, not something to be done three times a day!
Anita, 60
I must admit, I do love a pizza in bed on special occasions, but it sounds like Harriet is overdoing it. Eating in bed should happen only when you are a) hungover or b) post-coital.
Ryan, 22
Now you be the judge
In our online poll below, tell us: should Harriet stop snacking between the sheets?
The poll closes at 9am GMT on Thursday 11 May
Last week’s result
We asked if Marley should get off her phone.
90% of you said yes – Marley is guilty
10% of you said no – Marley is innocent
