The prosecution: Taylor
He will throw in lines from songs during serious conversations – it is an avoidance tactic
I’ve been married to Randy for 33 years and we have four kids. We have a great marriage, but there are still things we need to work out. Namely, whenever we try to have a serious discussion, Randy will start singing song lyrics. It drives me nuts.
Randy knows a lyric for every occasion, and always has something in his back pocket to suit the moment. I find it impressive, but it can also get irritating. If we’re not having a serious conversation, then a lyric or two doesn’t matter, but if we are, it becomes annoying. Sometimes it lightens the moment, but more often it ruins the vibe.
It is true that, of the two of us, I get annoyed more easily. Maybe that’s because I’m a Scorpio, or because I’m better at communication. I’m 53 now, and over our 33 years of marriage, Randy has learned the importance of communicating more frequently, and uses fewer lyrics, but I’d love him to stop doing it completely. Ten years ago, he wouldn’t have listened to me at all when I asked him to stop. He’s improved a lot, but things still need work.
We are both quite chilled and don’t argue much. When we were going through a rocky patch, we went to therapy, and it’s helped Randy develop more self-awareness. I really appreciate that. But sometimes he will still chuck in a lyric during a serious conversation and I will have to call him out.
I think it’s an avoidance tactic. Boys are taught not to cry from a young age and I think Randy bottled up his feelings when he was growing up. But we’ve learned to support each other. A friend who’s been married for 60 years once said, when asked why they and their partner had never broken up: “It’s because we never fell out of love at the same time.” It’s like that between Randy and me: whenever one of us pulls away, the other pulls them back in. We’ve come such a long way together – it would be great if we could just iron out this last issue in our relationship.
The defence: Randy
Yes I should tone it down, but a lyric can lighten the mood and there’s one for every occasion
Truth be told, when things get too serious, I have a tendency to deflect. I love music and I love listening to song lyrics. I always seem to have the right lyric for every situation. I have a really good memory, and whenever Taylor and I have a conversation, I have a habit of quoting whatever lyric is in my head at the time.
It’s become a reflex; I do it without thinking. If Taylor’s mentioned losing an item, or a co-worker leaving, I’ll defer to the band Cinderella and say you “don’t know what you got till it’s gone”. Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey has a lot of lyrics that can be applied to any number of life situations, too. Sometimes she gets annoyed at me for doing this, but I think it can help lighten the mood when things get difficult.
Taylor and I have been in therapy together, and it’s taught me a lot: I now know when to double down on my habit to help lift the mood, or when to stop quoting and switch to serious mode. We’ve been together for so long that I’m now able to read her quite well.
I know I do this because I don’t like to go too deep into things: replying to Taylor using lyrics helps me to avoid facing an issue head-on. We’ve got a lot better with our communication. I used to speak in lyrics a lot more, especially when we were talking about difficult things, but our marriage counselling really helped us. It’s changed how we communicate.
I used to leave the room when a conversation was too difficult, or just make jokes, but now I can withstand it. I was against therapy for a while as I’m from the south of the US, where the idea of a masculine man is one who is strong and silent. But I was still bothered by things – I just wasn’t able to discuss them with Taylor, and then it would build up.
Now, after six months of counselling and 33 years of marriage, I understand her moods a bit more. I don’t quote lyrics as much because I know she hates it. But I think it’s sometimes necessary as it helps to change a bad situation into a good one.
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Randy stop waxing lyrical?
Surely by now Randy can see that his constant recitation of song lyrics is a barrier to communication. Taylor must have the patience of a saint. Stop hiding your feelings and speak plainly, Randy.Kate, 33
Randy needs to stop this nonsense. Taylor wants Randy’s attention, not a jukebox reflex. It’s a shield for Randy, and that’s probably why they’re having so many arguments. To put it in a way that Randy understands: “Stop right now, thank you very much. I need somebody with a human touch.”
Peter, 62
Taylor should “shake it off”, as her namesake sings. This sounds like a wonderful marriage where both parties have worked to compromise and communicate differently. The haters are gonna hate, but Randy doesn’t miss a beat. And this song quotation business is harder than it looks.
Leanne, 37
It’s important in any relationship to find whimsy and joy in a partner’s quirks, but Taylor is clearly irritated by this one. While it is admirable that Randy has addressed his deflection through lyricism, his persistence suggests unresolved avoidance that still needs work for a healthier marriage.
Phoebe, 25
Taylor’s annoyance is understandable – willingness to open up about feelings is so important in a relationship. However, it sounds as though Randy is working on this. Taylor could be more accepting of the habit when the conversation is less serious.
Lily, 41
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us who you think is making a song and dance out of this
The poll closes on Wednesday 28 January at 9am GMT
Last week’s results
We asked if Georgia should pay the fine after her mum gave her a lift to the airport but didn’t pay the drop-off charge.
75% of you said yes – Georgia is guilty
25% of you said no – Georgia is innocent
