The prosecution: Tiger
I want to pay off my debt to Theo, but now I’m working for him he talks to me like I’m an idiot
Theo, my boyfriend of seven years, has always earned a lot more than me and is really supportive. We have got into a rhythm in the past couple of years where he usually pays for most things, like our rent and bills, but I contribute and do more around the house in terms of the cooking and cleaning. It hasn’t necessarily been a problem but sometimes when we talk to our friends, they call me a “kept woman” or a “stay-at-home girlfriend”. There was a time in the past when I earned more, but at the moment I’m a freelance fashion designer, and things are really up and down.
Theo doesn’t ask me for money, or keep track, but I do because I think it’s important to pay him back. I owe him for things like flights and my share of the rent when I was going through a bad work patch a while ago. I’ve accumulated some debt to him, although he never calls it that.
Theo asked me if I could work for his business as a means of paying him back. He works in online marketing and I was tasked with taking charge of some of his clients and writing website copy for him. It worked for a bit but then it started to put pressure on our relationship. If I did something wrong, it felt like I was being told off like a child. It was weird – I didn’t feel like his equal. He’d say things like, “That’s not right – I’ve told you,” as if I was an idiot.
I have racked up a debt of thousands to Theo, so I’d like to pay it off but I don’t feel like this is the best way to do it. It’s also really hard to calculate how much I owe after a few days of work. He wants me to continue but I reckon we’re one of those couples who should never work together.
I do feel silly sometimes, owing my boyfriend such a huge amount – before we met I was really self-sufficient. But in our partnership I put in more emotional labour and do more domestic chores, while he likes being the bread-winner. Maybe one day that will change. But for now I’d like to look at other options for repaying him, and maybe just wait until I start earning more myself.
The defence: Theo
Tiger has never earned much money, but it doesn’t bother me because I love her
It was Tiger’s idea to work for me – I’ve never tried to force that on her. She says she wants to feel less financially “powerless” in our relationship, and I support that notion. It hasn’t been going particularly well I must admit, but I think it keeps her busy while she’s not earning much from her own work. She says I talk to her like a child but I don’t mean to. I just try to explain that there’s a certain way of doing things for my clients and she doesn’t take direction very well.
Tiger has got a bit down in the past when her clients haven’t paid her on time. She’s tried to source more regular work but it’s a challenge in the current financial climate. I tell her at least she’s doing something she loves, but she can get really depressed when she’s not working.
In the time I’ve known Tiger, she’s never earned loads of money. But when we met, as students, we were kind of struggling together. It’s good I now earn a fair bit, even if it makes the relationship unequal. What’s the point in both of us struggling? I pay the rent and I’ll be putting money down on our first flat soon. Tiger won’t be paying the mortgage as she doesn’t have the money. I’m fine with that. It’s just how we work. I know some men would say, “Oh, she should pull her weight,” but if you love someone, you take on their finances as well as all their good and bad bits. I don’t think about it much. She also does a lot more domestic labour than me, so it balances out.
Tiger wanted to work with me. While she’s looking for more regular work, I’m happy to hire her. But I probably need to keep track of how much work she’s doing for me and make a proper day rate so we know where we stand. We make a good team, but she finds it stressful so I won’t make her continue if she hates it. I don’t really mind how much she owes me – I believe things should be equitable, not “equal”, in a relationship. We will spend the rest of our lives together, so who cares about a few thousand pounds when we love each other?
The jury of Guardian readers
Should Tiger pay Theo back?
Theo shouldn’t ignore the fact that the debt matters to Tiger, and they should work out a proper value for her work. This would create an end date to the debt, boundaries around the work itself and allow Tiger to feel more valued.
Felix, 29
Tiger has let her friends’ views of her relationship cloud her judgment. There’s no harm in Theo paying more if it allows them both to have a comfortable life. The debt should be wiped.
Robyn, 35
They are both guilty of not being honest about their true feelings. Theo should not employ Tiger or calculate the value of her contribution to their relationship. He says he wants them to spend the rest of their lives together, but if it doesn’t work out things could turn nasty over money.
Miriam, 74
I’m saying Theo is innocent overall. Tiger needs to focus on her own career and stop fretting about paying her way. Theo seems relatively relaxed about paying the bills but needs to understand that having his girlfriend working for him makes their relationship a transactional one, which isn’t healthy.
Adam, 52
The problem here is communication, not money. Theo admits the working arrangement “hasn’t been going well”, while Tiger says he makes her feel like an idiot. What’s more, she says “Theo asked me if I could work for his business”, but he reckons “it was Tiger’s idea to work for me.” Theo is holding all the cards here, so he needs sort this mess out.
Melvyn, 41
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Tiger work for Theo to pay him back?
The poll closes on Thursday 25 July at 9am BST
Last week’s result
We asked whether Jim should stop wearing slippers outside the house
93% of you said Jim is guilty – he needs to be brought to heel
7% of you said Jim is not guilty – gardening is good for the sole
