A look at who might be languishing in a Whangārei jail cell, who's languishing in the polls, and what's languishing in the grocery aisles
After the chaotic cacophony of February there were signs this week of a return to a normalcy of sorts - rumours about you-know-who started swirling again, there were Twitter arguments about whether RATs is the correct plural, and a newly high-priced vegetable supplanted the avocado as the go-to meme for talking about the cost of living.
We all know who you-know-who is, that’s why we call him you-know-who. He’s nearly married to you-know-her too, and depending on which mate of a mate’s brother’s cousin you heard it from on WhatsApp he’s either languishing in a remand cell in Whangārei or he’s languishing at home courtesy of an electronic monitoring bracelet. Either way he’s definitely languishing.
The police say he isn’t languishing anywhere but that was reported in mainstream media so of course I can’t accept that as being true unless I’ve done my own research. And I have. I have a mate whose half-sister’s naturopath knows a marine biologist who regularly goes swimming with the dolphins. She can translate dolphin clicks and has been told by not just one but several dolphins that a crayfish mate of theirs knows a blue marlin dealer who was caught and tagged by you-know-who as cover for delivering you-know-what to you-know-who. And that’s where the false rumour started, from a simple case of mistaken identity. It was the blue marlin dealer who was caught and tagged, not you-know-who. But at least you now know how you-know-who gets his you know what.
If I’d said on the 1st of January that by mid-March you wouldn’t get change out of $20 for a cauliflower, a litre of petrol and three hot cross buns I would have been swabbed and quarantined.
So while you-know-who isn’t languishing, it turns out - and this is in no way connected to you-know-who except for the languishing bit - that the Prime Minister is languishing, in the latest political polls. This week’s poll saw the blue team at 39 percent overtake the red team on 37 percent. It’s the first time in more than two years that the blue team has been ahead. And in head-to-head polling for preferred Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern is at 46 percent with Christopher Luxon breathing down her neck, albeit masked and from two metres away, on 45 percent.
There’s lots of good raw material out there for Christopher Luxon and team blue to work with in opposition. Everywhere you look there are shortages. The only thing there isn’t a shortage of is discontent, meaning there will be no shortage of 'Winter of Discontent' headlines and opinion pieces coming your way in the next few months.
If I’d said on the 1st of January that by mid-March you wouldn’t get change out of $20 for a cauliflower, a litre of petrol and three hot cross buns I would have been swabbed and quarantined. And yet here we are - $15 for a cauliflower, $3 for a litre of petrol and having to ask the supermarket checkout operator if we can break open the six-pack and buy hot cross buns individually.
I was going to make a point about the comparative cost of a litre of milk vs a litre of petrol but then I read an economist’s observation that they’re not comparable because you don’t pour petrol on your weetbix. Which seems like a fair and sensible point. And presumably I won’t be able to drive very far in a convoy on a litre of milk.
I was going to make a point about the comparative cost of a litre of milk vs a litre of petrol but then I read an economist’s observation that they’re not comparable because you don’t pour petrol on your weetbix.
At least avocados are still in season and relatively cheap. The dish du jour this Easter will be hot cross guacamole. And there will be more than a few people hunting for Easter eggs and not finding any.
For a big chunk of the population this will be their first experience of rampant inflation, “rampant” being the technical term for an inflation rate above 5 percent. The last time the inflation rate was really rampant was in the 1980s - a time of big hair, big shoulder pads, and big price increases resulting in inflation rates above 15 percent.
The double whammy for first home buyers is that inflation tends to drive up house prices, not that they need any assistance and are driving themselves up very well on their own thank you. In fact house prices are increasing at the same rate as RAT prices are decreasing, which is, of course, rapidly. The current exchange rate is three RATs to the cauliflower or three avocados to the RAT, but please note it’s inadvisable to exchange avocados for cauliflowers at this time.
And if this is all too much and you want to drown your sorrows please note that Russian vodka is off the approved self-medicating list. We’re now on Russia’s list of “unfriendly countries” and it’s pleasing to note that there’s no shortage of entries on that particular list.
Have a peaceful weekend.
