Jesus. Wept.
It's the mantra echoing through my mind while I watch this video captured from a track day at England's Snetterton circuit outside of Norwich (that's Norr'itch for us Yanks). This is a live-action train wreck, which ends with a blown engine, and chronicles the thousand dipshit follies you could ever hope to make at a track day. If you've ever wondered what you shouldn't do on a race track, here's a masterclass.
In the spirit of inclusion, and lest I sound like a sanctimonious prick, I want to point out that simply taking your car to the track is a victory in itself. More people need to stretch the legs of their sports cars in this environment. The greater victory, however, is bringing your car and your person back home safely at the end of the day. Failing that, you should forget the track altogether.
Here's what this man's terrified eyes, captured expertly in the rearview mirror like a Hitchcock murder scene, can teach us.
KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE WHEEL
Kudos to this driver for shifting his own gears—however poorly—but take note: when you're in the middle of a corner, on a straight, or anywhere else on the racetrack where you're not actively shifting gears, that shift knob will stay exactly where you left it. There's no need to rest your hand on the knob permanently. In fact, it's an active detriment to driving well.
SERIOUSLY: DO NOT STEER WITH ONE HAND
Ten-and-two or nine-and-three matter far less than keeping both hands on the steering wheel. It's important for reasons such as leverage, stability, precision, control, feel, and most of all: safety. With one hand at the twelve-o-clock position, right hand turns suffer for a lack of leverage to turn the steering wheel quickly and smoothly and left-handers fold your arm over your torso like someone from Auntie Anne's is about to slather you in butter with a dash of coarse salt, then scoop you into a wax-paper bag (A pretzel; it turns you into an 'effing pretzel-person).
Without both hands on the wheel as much as possible, you simply can't react to the car in a quick, efficient manner, nor can you position the car with an economy of motion that keeps you from getting yourself from being served to hungry mall-goers. Order up!
IF THE CAR'S NOT TURNING, MORE TURNING WON'T SAVE YOU
A wet race track is the ultimate tutor. It slows down the car during every important phase of cornering, from braking through finding those initial nibbles of grip, to taming oversteer on corner exit. Most of all it teaches a driver listen, to give the car exactly what it wants and no more. You must be patient in the rain, far more patient than in the dry, to maximize the available grip in every moment.
But what if you simply didn't listen to the car?
Our man does exactly this, taming understeer by globbing on more steering angle until the tires shoot off the track sideways.
Listen to the car. It'll always tell you what it needs.
HEED THE WARM-UP LAP
Dude drives OFF THE TRACK in the FIRST GOD-FEARING CORNER. This is insane. If you've done that in the first corner at a track day, swap out those OMPs for your kiddy gloves, take a breather in the pits to think about what you've done, and rejoin the track day with a clear head. Patience is key here. Especially when learning how and where you can maximize entry speeds. You won't learn that by starting your session with an off.
Tires and brakes need heat to do their best work. Without heat, you'll spend a lot more time pulling mud from out of your Porsche's wheel wells.
UNLESS YOU'RE AN INSTRUCTOR, DO NOT RIDE WITH PASSENGERS
It is seriously sketchy riding shotgun at a track day. I wouldn't even recommend it to most instructors. But from the other side, it's important to keep observers out of the car. You'll probably cave to some implicit pressure to take corners faster than you should, to brake later, to try and impress the person beside you. Even observers on the pit wall can make you feel like a hero. Ask me how I know.
It's not safe to drive when you're distracted, and unless you've got heaps more experience than this guy does, it's better just to keep one person to a car, lest you both end up with neck injuries when it all gets stuffed into a tire wall.
IF YOU'RE ENGINE'S GOING BOOM, STOP THE CAR
Not all engine failures are created equal. The difference between some head work and tossing your entire engine in the ocean is heard right here. If the engine down on power, if it suddenly sounds like a blender boning a sawzall, if there's smoke: KILL THE ENGINE NOW.
There were maybe four corners' worth of audible warning before the driver saw smoke. By then it was too late. I can promise this dude turned a four-figure bill into a five-figure bill by continuing to drive while the engine played a symphony of rod knock and its associated clatter.
DO NOT EXIT THE CAR UNLESS YOU'RE ON FIRE
I've turned thousands of racetrack laps and only seen this happen twice. Unless there's a greater threat to your life INSIDE the car than being struck by a car OUTSIDE your vehicle, never leave the safety of a well-designed crash structure. Unless you'd rather your femur was that crash structure.
When the engine goes, your first instinct, like with these lads, will probably be to crack a door open to assess the damage. Instead, let your second instinct override. The one screaming LORD GAWD DON'T GET CHOPPED IN HALF BY AN UNDERSTEERING HYUNDAI.
DRIVING IS CEREBRAL; USE YOUR BRAIN
If like our hero, you find yourself shouting, "OI THAT HAPPENED LAST TIME!" as you laugh in total bewilderment while understeering into a mud pit for the sixth time in four corners, you need to adjust to what the car, elements, and track are telling you. If the definition of insanity is shooting off the track to the soundtrack of tire squeal over and over again, well here's proof.
Perhaps the only smart thing this driver did was exit the track in a runoff area. Hopefully, by the time the next engine finds its way into this well-abused Cayman, our hero will have had some proper instruction.
