Getting involved with the goings-on of a partner and their ex, especially when there are kids in the equation, is probably not a good idea. After all, unless you’re family, you don’t really have any say in matters best left to the exes.
A woman going by the handle forestcookie recently took to the popular online parenting forum mumsnet to express her frustration at her partner’s constant pandering to his ex-wife’s demands. She’s even considering asking the man to put his foot down.
More info: mumsnet
Woman asked the web if she’s being unreasonable for being sick of her partner’s ex-wife’s demands
Woman claimed her partner already does loads for his kids
In her opinion, his ex-wife should be paying more because she earns more, gets child benefit and universal credit help
Ex-wife told the woman’s partner that she’s going out to dinner with a friend and won’t be home until 09:30 PM, a half hour later than he’d like to stay
Image credits: forestcookie
Man is constantly exhausted due to working long hours and looking after his kids, partner wants to tell him to put his foot down
According to the annoyed woman, her partner’s children (referred to as DC, or Dear Children, in the post) live primarily with his ex-wife, but he does plenty for them, taking them to school two mornings a week so the ex-wife can go to work early and miss the traffic. He also picks the children up once or twice a week, depending on whether or not it’s his weekend – he has them every other weekend (EOW) for three nights.
Forestcookie goes on to add that her partner (referred to as DP, or Dear Partner, in the post) only earns 25k, while his ex-wife earns 40k and benefits from a 9-5 schedule with no late nights. While the man lives in a tiny rented one-bedroom flat, the ex has a 3-bedroom house with a garden and driveway, among other trimmings.
OP also said that the ex gets child benefit and universal credit (UC), which OP’s partner doesn’t see a penny of.
The man typically picks up his kids on Wednesday nights after school club, but the usual arrangement has been upset by the fact that his ex is going out to dinner and will only be home by 09:30 PM, a full half hour later than he usually prefers to leave. When he told his ex this, she proceeded to kick up a fuss and claim that she never gets time to socialize.
In OP’s opinion, the ex shouldn’t be going out anyway, because that would mean her partner would be alone in her house, something OP isn’t happy about. The man has offered to have the kids overnight on Wednesday nights, but the children want none of it. Now OP is asking if she’s being unreasonable for wanting to tell her partner to put his foot down.
When you’re the partner of a divorced parent, you’re dating someone with a family, and their ex will always be a part of your life together, at least until the kids grow up and move out.
In her blog for Partners In Men’s Health, author Mila writes that, if your partner’s ex is causing you to have problems in your relationship, you may feel like jumping in and saving him from the drama.
Mila suggests that, instead, you should try your best to resist getting involved. Narcissists and toxic people crave attention – don’t reward their belligerence and harassment by giving them more attention than absolutely necessary.
Suzanne Lachmann, Psy.D., is a New York State licensed clinical psychologist with offices in Manhattan and Westchester, NY.
In her post for Psychology Today, she writes that when your partner has responsibilities that precede you, what is best for you as a couple is to try to put as little pressure or expectation as you can on how your partner handles communication and connection with their ex.
Lachmann adds that, by adopting a supportive role, you decrease the tension between your new partner and their ex, and that in turn will create a more comfortable, harmonious environment for you as a couple moving forward.
According to a blog on PsychCentral, there are a few things you can do if you feel your relationship is being threatened by your partner’s relationship with their ex:
- Remove Yourself. Your partner’s issues with his or her ex are best left between them.
- Support Your Partner. It’s not easy for your partner to have to raise children, work, and struggle emotionally with his or her ex, while attempting to have a healthy relationship with you at the same time.
- Don’t Parent the Children (if not the step-parent, or long-term domestic partner). It can be very tempting for some people to want to act as a pseudo-parent, especially if living with the children.
- Don’t Overlook Yourself. Being in a relationship with a parent has expected challenges. While it is necessary to understand that these challenges are part of the deal, it’s also still important that you’re fulfilled in your relationship.
The post goes on to add that a high-conflict ex will do what they will do and that you can only control how you handle your part of the relationship. While you can’t solve your partner’s issues with his or her ex, the more you understand your boundaries in the relationship, the better chance you have of successfully side-stepping any lasting impact of the high-conflict ex.
What would you do if you were in OP’s shoes? Do you think she has a point, or should she keep her nose out of her partner’s dealings with his ex? Let us know what you think in the comments!
One reader commented, “If you don’t want to deal with ex wives and children, don’t date someone with an ex wife and children.”
