Married swingers who encourage each other to sleep with other people have visited over 20 countries for their exploits. Cate Wander, 37, and her husband, Darren, 47, a salesman, met 15 years ago in Sydney, Australia, and initially started dating as a monogamous couple.
Five years into the relationship, the pair decided to open up about their different desires - ranging from career aspirations to fantasies. They decided to identify as 'ethically non-monogamous' - which means they communicate before having sex with others outside their marriage.
The couple decided to become swingers - they enjoy having - and haven't looked back since. Cate and Darren enjoyed the "openness" of the lifestyle so much, they "opened up their marriage" and have since travelled the world for their romps with other men and women - visiting Thailand, Japan, France and the US among other places.
They hope to "break the stigma" surrounding non-monogamy and swinging. Cate, a podcaster, said: "The first time I swung I was terrified. Theirs is a really negative stigma surrounding the lifestyle. I thought a hairy chested dude wearing a gold chain with a beer belly was going to come out and f*** me.
“It was nothing like that at all there are people from all walks of life, it’s like any other bar except there are playrooms. You drink, chat to different people and dance."
Cate left her high-flying corporate career as a global director of operations in 2019 and openly came out as a swinger - after hiding it from the world due to 'a morality clause in her work contract'. Darrell works in sales but says his company have been accepting of his alternative lifestyle.
The couple had their first swinging experience in a club in Sydney, Australia, and were initially apprehensive. They didn’t have any sexual encounters but acted as voyeurs - watching others without getting involved.
Since then, they have relocated to Europe and have had sex with other people all over the world - and regularly visit nudist resorts. Darrell added: "When we first swung I was scared and excited, but the feeling of excitement overruled.
"We went into it with the wrong idea and had rigid rules we couldn't break, we soon realised this wasn't the way to go as we can't predict how we might feel in one given moment and choose to communicate what we want in each moment instead.
"We have guidelines for example, we won't take one for the team. If one of us isn't interested we both aren't interested.
"We come first and each have the vito power to leave a situation or a couple if one of us doesn't wish to continue."
Cate and Darrell loved swinging so much - they quickly established themselves on the scene. They regularly went to their favourite club and enjoyed their new found liberation.
According to Cate, at first she had to overcome feelings of shame and confusion as she felt bad for being sexual with others in front of her husband but she quickly realised he loved it. The couple have lived and travelled all over the world in countries such as Singapore, Thailand, Malaysia, Japan, France, the US and the UK to have sex with others.
They are now based just outside Amsterdam and have lived there since March 2022 and say they love the "openness and fluidity of Dutch culture".
“In the Netherlands people don’t bat an eyelid, everyone is very open here," Cate said. “Sexuality and nudity isn’t a big deal."
Cate says non-monogamy and swinging is "viewed differently depending on where you are in the world" - in the south of France there is a naked city called Cap D’agde where 40,000 nudists live. In Malaysia and Thailand swinging is illegal so Cate says the scene is "hidden underground" and she claims in Japanese swing clubs "you can’t get in unless you speak fluent Japanese".
The couple - who regularly host swinging events in US hotels - say swingers clubs are prevalent in all the major cities but are still highly stigmatised. In the UK there are 40 swinging clubs. Sex-positive advocate Cate describes the double-standard in society and says she believes ‘non-ethical’ monogamy - cheating - isn’t frowned upon as much as consensual non-monogamy.
“More often than not, people on normal dating apps and who cheat on their partners non-consensually will have more sex than those who are part of the swinging lifestyle - yet are not stigmatised in the same way,” added Cate. She claims often employees who are found to be swingers are sacked from their jobs due to morality clauses in their contracts.
According to Cate, many schoolteachers in the US have lost their jobs and in custody battles an individual’s swinging status could be used as a "weapon against them".
Cate and Darrell often go on swinging resort holidays in Mexico and Jamaica - where up to 500 people stay in luxury all-inclusive hotels to get to know each other. “My favourite thing about swinging is meeting new people from all walks of life," Cate said.
“We tend to be more open and less surface level, everyone is nude and disarmed without any judgments. I find with other women I can be honest and deep instead of competitive and catty as we are not sizing each other up to see where each of us sit in the hierarchy.
“It really is a beautiful thing.”
Cate discovered she was bisexual after a few years of swinging as the lifestyle liberated her to explore her sexuality. Cate added she feels safer at swingers' events than in standard ‘vanilla’ clubs - ordinary night clubs- as she has never had an incident where a man has done something untoward or non-consensual.
“It’s not all rainbows and lollipops, there are really hard conversations to be had and the lifestyle isn’t for everyone," she said. “There isn’t a one-piece puzzle - for some non-monogamy is great for others monogamy is the answer.”
Cate often receives hateful comments on her social media, but she ignores them as much as possible. “If I took every personal attack to heart, I wouldn’t get out of bed every day but of course it gets to me sometimes," she said.
“I know I am plenty of peoples’ cup of tea and my husband’s.”
Three years ago, Cate came out publicly as she had kept her and her husband’s identity anonymous on their Wanderlust Swingers podcast by posting a photo on social media. Cate continued: “I liberated myself and I quit my job, now I run sex events around the world and do consultations for businesses who work in the sex positive space," she said.
Darrell added: "It's made us significantly stronger and much more open to conversations, we can sit down and talk about things immediately and consistently. We've made a global group of friends through swinging- ranging from people who sweep floors for a living to big corporate bosses."
