Paul* manages his finances “to the penny”. If he buys a packet of crisps when he is out, he records it in his account book at home, noting down the exact amount. But it’s not just his own spending he keeps a watchful eye over. If Paul’s wife Susie* buys anything when she’s out, Paul knows — and he records that too.
In fact, Paul keeps tabs on quite a few parts of Susie’s life. He and his wife share all their emails and texts with each other. They do “everything together”, he says.
Paul is going through the details of his marriage after calling an anonymous and confidential helpline, run by the charity Respect, set up for people who have been violent or abusive to their partners or families — or fear they could be. Paul’s children have accused him of perpetrating a concerted campaign of domestic abuse against his wife.
Although he claims he is desperately trying to work out whether he abuses, controls or coerces his wife, he also appears unable to look at his own behaviour clearly and honestly.
“We share everything, we make joint decisions,” he tells a helpline worker. “It is a loving, caring relationship. We are very fortunate our chemistry is the same as when we were courting. We do silly things teenagers do. There is no oppression. Everything we do is healthy and happy.”
I am privy to all of this because I am listening in on the calls — with the callers’ permission — to find out more about how it tries to help those who carry out domestic abuse.
Paul is one of a growing number of callers seeking support from Respect. Exclusive data from the charity, shared with The Independent, reveals the number of people ringing their helpline has surged by 28 per cent from 2018/2019 to 2022/23 — rising from 5,521 calls to 7,093 calls.
Another call I listen to involves a man saying his former partner was claiming he had threatened to kill her and was abusive — but he denied this. Other phone calls feature men looking for perpetrator programmes to help them tackle their domestic abuse.
One woman in her mid-twenties also rings the helpline to admit she has been emotionally and physically abusive to her male partner. She says she has had fantasies of treating her partner even more badly. The caller explains she has acted similarly with ex-partners and has been this way since she started dating people aged 18.
But it’s clear most domestic abusers do not seek help. While police in England and Wales receive an average of over 100 calls an hour on domestic abuse across a year — and between two and three women are killed by a current or ex male partner every week in England and Wales — calls to the helpline are few and far between.
The rise in calls during the Covid pandemic is likely to have been linked to an increase in domestic abuse, as lockdown measures exacerbated pre-existing patterns of behaviour. But it is less clear what is causing the continued surge.
We want to understand what triggered the call and it is actually, and sadly, very rare that someone will call the helpline completely out of the blue. There is usually some incident that triggered it.— Ippo Panteloudakis
Ippo Panteloudakis, head of services at Respect, says there was an increased awareness of domestic abuse during the pandemic, with the helpline now more promoted on social media.
But Mr Panteloudakis, who has listened to thousands of calls which come into the helpline, also attributes the rise in calls to a greater emphasis on perpetrators changing their behaviour in wider society. Other factors involve asking for help becoming more socially acceptable — but also the cost of living crisis exacerbating abusive behaviour.
“Where it already exists, it’s a situation that makes things much worse,” he adds. “It’s more of an opportunity to have conflict in the relationship and where someone perpetrates abuse, that can be just another reason for them to be unhappy and want to be controlling and use violence and abuse.”
Mr Panteloudakis, who has been working at Respect for almost two decades, says their first port of call when someone rings the helpline is to try and understand why the person is calling.
“That is not as obvious as it may sound,” he adds. “We want to understand what triggered the call and it is actually, and sadly, very rare that someone will call the helpline completely out of the blue. There is usually some incident that triggered it. It could be that they were violent or abusive very recently and there was police involvement. Or maybe the wider family found out that they are perpetrating domestic abuse.”
When you start to understand who you really are, that you are not this nice, charming guy, but someone who on occasion or frequently uses violence and abuse towards their partner. When you admit the truth to yourself, then the next step is you have to do something about it.— Ippo Panteloudakis
Another example he gives involves their partner choosing to leave them — sometimes with the children in tow. Mr Panteloudakis says all of these scenarios can invoke a desire in someone to change. “It may not be a sustained feeling that you see through, but at least there is a window of opportunity, and that is what we’re trying to keep open,” he adds.
Helpline workers seek to differentiate between the person and their behaviour, Mr Panteloudakis explains. “We’re not trying to label someone as a monster or anything like that,” he adds. “And that is a constant fear that perpetrators have - that they will be judged. But we identify behaviours that are harmful. We explain how they are harmful to others — to the survivor and the children, to increase their empathy as a way to motivate them to access help.”
But Mr Panteloudakis says this does not stop perpetrators from being “manipulative” and “minimising” their violence and abuse, adding they seek to root out disingenuous callers who are only ringing to keep their partners happy. He also reflects on the fact most perpetrators of domestic abuse are not able to “connect dots” and see patterns in their behaviour.
“But for others, on some level, there is some defence mechanism because if you connect those dots, you start seeing who you really are,” he adds. “And that is something that perpetrators don’t want to do. Because when you start to understand who you really are, that you are not this nice, charming guy, but someone who on occasion or frequently uses violence and abuse towards their partner. When you admit the truth to yourself, then the next step is you have to do something about it.”
Mr Panteloudakis states they have a range of safety mechanisms in place - such as not speaking to anyone if they gauge they are not alone, and ensuring callers do not hang up feeling angry.
“They might become angry on the phone and that has to be managed very, very skillfully and respectfully,” he adds. “The training for helpline workers is all bespoke.”
On the rise in callers, Charlotte Kneer, chief executive of Reigate and Banstead Women’s Aid refuges in Surrey, says it could signal “the beginnings of a culture shift” of perpetrators being more eager to address their behaviour due to domestic abuse becoming more “societally unacceptable”.
“People seemed in the pandemic to take an interest in domestic abuse because it was so much more talked about,” Ms Kneer, a domestic abuse survivor whose violent partner was jailed for seven years in 2011, adds. “Potentially perpetrators could have become more aware of their behaviour.”
Another theory Ms Kneer posits is tied to the increase in money the Domestic Abuse Act has provided to services. She questions whether the funding has led to more victims accessing services across the country, which is in turn sparking more abusers to seek support.
“The most likely point the perpetrator is going to access a perpetrator service is when the victim is going to leave and end the relationship,” she adds. “I suspect often perpetrators are accessing the service not because they recognise their behaviour is abominable but to prove to their victim they are trying to seek help and hold onto that relationship. It is great perpetrators are reaching out but it doesn’t mean they have great insight into their behaviour.”
*Paul and Susie’s names have been changed to protect their identities
