Name: Las Vegas.
Age: 119 years old.
Appearance: Awful.
Steady on. We don’t want angry letters from the good people of Las Vegas. It’s fine. It isn’t like anybody out there will be reading this.
That’s enough. Las Vegas has plenty of good things going for it. Oh yeah? Name three.
There’s that big fountain, the fake Eiffel Tower, and, um … See? You’ve run out of things already. Las Vegas is the worst and everyone knows it.
Define everyone. The 1,800-strong panel of global travellers asked by Which? to comprehensively rank global holiday destinations, based on criteria including attractions, food, accommodation and value for money.
That does actually sound quite comprehensive. Las Vegas is a grim, ersatz, environmentally unsustainable totem to capitalism – with a rising homelessness problem that sits alongside its extreme wealth. The Which? panel gave it two stars out of five in most categories, and just one out of five for cultural sights, crowds and cost.
It’s not like other places are better, though. Actually, it’s like 36 of the 37 cities ranked are better. Sydney was ranked the best, but Buenos Aires is better, Cairo is better, Bangkok is better, Abu Dhabi is better, and Chicago is way better (the Windy City came third).
And where do UK cities rank in all this? I’m glad you asked. The panel only ranked non-European cities. And even if it hadn’t, I’m sure London would have fared better, because none of the problems with Vegas cited by the Which? panel can be found in London.
Are you sure about that? Shhh! Let’s all just move on.
Is Las Vegas really that awful, though? You know one good way to check? Let’s type “Las Vegas” into Google News and look at the sort of headlines that come up.
Let’s do it. Here’s one from Monday: “Las Vegas police search for suspects in deadly robbery.”
All big cities experience violent crime. Here’s another one: “16 fatal crashes reported by Las Vegas police in 29 days, 10 involved pedestrians.”
I’m sure these are just outliers. And another: “‘You’re motherfucking right,’ Las Vegas judge facing ethics violations over hot tub photo responds with Cardi B lyrics.”
Fine, you win: Las Vegas is horrible. That’s right. It’s a miserable place to visit and a terrible place to live.
People live there? Oh yes. Adele, to name but one. She has to live there until June, when her Caesars Palace residency finishes.
Where will she move when it’s over? Somewhere nicer, obviously. Like, to pick an example entirely at random from the Which? list, Ho Chi Minh City.
Do say: “Las Vegas has nothing good going for it.”
Don’t say: “Quick, let’s send all the tourists to ruin Sydney instead.”
