Just picture yourself fooling around with someone and they growl at you from a distance while telling you to “stretch that tiny little…” no, I can’t continue, it turns out my gag reflex is not as dormant as I thought. I know that technically The Idol has a team of award-winning writers on board, but I can’t bear to imagine it was a real grown-up man thinking those attempts at dirty talk were acceptable, believable, or, most importantly, sexy.
I’m convinced that scene, in episode two, was in fact written by some lonely teenage boy who’s locked away at boarding school and has never seen a real-life vagina he wasn’t violently pushed out of. Only by consuming a steady diet of porn and the exaggerated lies of other teenagers, could you create a scene that makes every human watching immediately cringe and swear a vow of celibacy.
But don’t let viewing this, unfortunately unforgettable, moment put you off dirty talk in the bedroom. Of course, there are some basic guidelines you should familiarise yourself with. The first piece of advice is the same wisdom you’d give anyone considering embarking on any sexual first: do not emulate porn! Porn is not real. Not the timing, not the moaning, not the smiling, not the dirty talk. No one watches Spider-Man and immediately tries to jump off a roof. We understand this is a movie and these are actors…the same applies to porn. Unless you’ve had a proper conversation with your other half about dos and don’ts, don’t copy the professionals.
Which leads us on to the second rule. It might sound counterintuitive, but the best dirty talk happens after you’ve had some kind of conversation about it. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting you whip out a pre-approved script, like an assistant director at a school play. However, a gentle chat about turns ons and turn offs is a good starting point.
Don’t do it moments before curtains up, when you’re already in the mood. But broach the subject at a neutral moment, like a teaser topic of things to come. This stuff is specific to each person — does being called “daddy” send their pulse racing or give them flashbacks to being abandoned by an absentee father (tears from resurfaced abandonment issues are best avoided here)?
But if you don’t want to have a chat, then that’s fine. Just stay away from the controversial topics. Instead, start by asking questions. This will stop you feeling like you’re giving a dirty soliloquy: “Do you like it when I…?”; “Does that feel good?”; “Tell me how you want me to…”.
Next, if you’re drawing a blank, remember the cardinal rule of dirty talk: compliment, compliment, compliment. If you’re struggling for words, describe what about your partner is turning you on. Remember: dirty talk isn’t just about you, it should be about both (or all) parties’ pleasure. Think about what they would like to hear you say, or moan, or whisper.
Dirty talk doesn’t have to be full of sordid language and convoluted plot lines. You don’t have to be a wordsmith or songwriter (in fact, apparently it could be detrimental). Because the truth is, it’s not about the words you say anywhere near as much as your intention and how you say them. “Let me just look at you” in an everyday setting is a completely mundane phrase. But, said in the right tone, at the right moment, it can make anyone weak at the knees.
Going back to television, think about the sexiest lines you’ve ever heard; the ones that made you bite your lip or steal the batteries from the remote. It’s likely not a sentence filled with expletives or obscenities but is probably something like the Duke in Bridgerton saying “I burn for you” or the sexy priest authoritatively telling Fleabag to “kneel”.
Be confident, in other words. And if you’ve found this piece conveniently left open on the kitchen table or discreetly forwarded to you online, take it as a sign. It’s time to get talking…
