I like those double page spreads where you get a little team-by-team guide before the new Premier League season. Ins/outs, thoughts on the gaffer. Heart says third, head says 15th. Dave – club podcast host – speaks for the entire fanbase when he says Dejan Kulusevski is due a big year.
Just the right amount of information for the armchair neutral before all the predictions fall apart halfway through the first Match of the Day. But what would the perfect season be for someone without a dog in the fight – who just wants the right amount of great football, chaos, crisis klaxons and controversy?
This season’s predictions come with many asterisks, or often just with a big Asterix if you listen to the right people. Profitability and sustainability rules, points deductions, looming charges mean a lot of the biggest news will happen nowhere near a football pitch. At Manchester City it’s a big season for … Lord Pannick. It’s a tight call between him and Rodri for their key player. They can cope for a bit without Haaland using all manner of false 9s but without Pannick – have they got enough depth to fight off the Premier League?
Now obviously – justice is key over these 115 charges which City deny and are fighting. If City are found not guilty, no punishment – move on. The court of public opinion (ie do you support City or not?) has already decided, and will keep deciding long after any verdict – but if (big font please lawyers) they are guilty – then what is the ideal punishment? Over the last four seasons they’ve averaged 89.75 points. Over the same period, the team finishing 18th has 30.75 points. So a 59-point deduction could mean City needing a victory on the last day to ensure survival. It could be like BC and AD as they climb above zero points in March. With City out of the running, Arsenal clearly deserve it, having kept things exciting until the closing stages for the past two years. And the football is great. It would almost be entirely worth it solely for Ian Wright’s Instagram – dancing in some big trousers, or singing behind his steering wheel. Infectious joy.
And yet, is there something comforting in them just not quite making it over and over again? A kind of more successful Spurs. Mikel Arteta squatting so deep the seams on those trousers give way – perhaps over a disputed VAR call. It’d be a desgracia that a lot of people could get behind.
Liverpool then. It’s hard to know how to feel about Arne Slot until Arne Slot has given us reasons to feel something about Arne Slot. Open book territory then. We all owe Liverpool for denying one team seven straight titles – 2019-20 feels like a different era and it’s easy to forget how incredible they were. Of course the idea of a Liverpool title win brings a chorus of how unbearable their fans would be. But, if memory serves me correctly, they were about as unbearable as any other set of fans who win something. -If not the title, a proper season needs a couple of cliche-ridden glory European nights at Anfield – give us all a chance to say “under the lights” and look on enviously.
Perhaps Aston Villa would be the most popular, or rather least unpopular title winners. Their first since 1981. A friendly manager in Unai Emery, exciting football. In the against column is the fact that they probably won’t win the league. Same goes for Spurs, who are really genuinely fun under Ange Postecoglou. Both of his incarnations are good value – chipper upbeat funny press conference Ange, and stare at the ground clearing his throat in seething range at every question Ange. If I’m honest with my Spurs-supporting self, the neutral would probably vote for another season without a trophy. It’s the constants in life that keep us going. How about a VAR disaster denying them a trophy, just to see how gritted those teeth can get.
Of course any non-Manchester United fan who lived through the 90s is just waiting to lap up an Old Trafford implosion. Can we get a “This is Manchester United we’re talking about” from Roy Keane before the end of the month?
Meanwhile who isn’t hoping for Chelsea to dip into the transfer market and pick up a couple more attacking wide men? There simply aren’t enough hours of content available to try to work out Enzo Maresca’s starting XI. More stories of players having to sit on the floor, stand on the top deck of the bus, top and tail in the hotel. Noni Madueke and Kiernan Dewsbury-Hall having to use teaspoons to eat their crumble.
Elsewhere it’s the last year of Goodison Park. Prepare yourselves for endless montages of Graeme Sharp and Andy Gray, of Tony Cottee and Peter Reid. Given the financial struggles, administration is a real possibility, so the main hope has to be the club is still a going concern come May. It’s a shame their final game isn’t at home – but how about survival secured the previous week at a sundrenched Gwladys Street End as Séamus Coleman Barry Horne’s one into the top corner from 30 yards?
While we’re on survival, let’s have a tighter scrap at the bottom than last season – and at least one of the newcomers to stay up. And that has to be Ipswich. It’s been so long it feels like they’ve never been in the Premier League. A new camera angle, some new goal nets. With apologies to Leicester and Southampton, let’s get Kieran McKenna’s side 17th.
And then we need one side who’s been around for a while to go into freefall in February, while another makes an unlikely push for Europe. So Brentford, Brighton and Crystal Palace can fight it out for those.
What else? Closeups of some absolutely livid West Ham fans about something or other. Howard Webb constantly driving to Wolverhampton to deliver personal apologies in novelty cheque-sized envelopes to Gary O’Neil. An unexpected goal of the season – Fabian Schär going full Philippe Albert. A perfect photo of home fans all swearing in unison with contorted faces at a former player celebrating in front of them. Hang that in the Louvre. More Ally McCoist. More former pros not understanding the laws of the game. Fewer handball penalties. Please.
Alive and Kicking, The Best League in the World (no European trophies) is back. Good luck everyone.
