Navigating divorce at any time is challenging, emotional and takes time and effort to handle. It can also bring feelings of relief that something that no longer brings joy is coming to an end.
Things can appear even more confusing when varying labels are applied to the process of divorce - for women going through this in midlife and beyond, it's often termed grey divorce.
Recently, a new and interesting phrase has entered the realm of those deciding they no longer want to be together: Quiet divorce.
Midlife women are thought to represent the highest number of those falling under this term and choosing this way to end, or perhaps not end, their marriages.
If you aren't familiar with what "quiet divorce" or "quiet quitting" as it's also known really mean, we've spoken to some experts to get a better understanding of the terms and the implications they have for women.
What is quiet divorce?
The phrase "quietly quitting marriage" came to prominence very recently and gained its name from a viral article that appeared in The Cut. In reality, women have likely been living this way for generations; there just hasn't been a label for it.
Now often termed "quiet divorce," this is essentially what happens when a marriage comes to an end, yet a couple stays together.
Sometimes this can mean resigning themselves to years of living in a state of unhappiness. For others, it can mean they've emotionally checked out of the relationship and get on with their lives, dismissing the other person as much as they can while they happily pursue personal hobbies and interests.
We spoke to BACP-accredited counsellor Georgina Sturmer, who specialises in couples therapy, about what it means to "quiet divorce" from a spouse.
To offer more context, Georgina explains, "We’ve heard about quiet quitting in the workplace - withdrawing from the demands and tasks of work quietly, rather than actually quitting the job.
"In a marriage, the idea of quiet quitting represents the same approach, withdrawing, pulling back, putting in less effort and making choices to prioritise other things.
"Deciding that things are potentially over, without actually taking action. It’s not just a choice, it’s a form of protection."
Why are midlife women quiet quitting their marriage?
Divorce, or deciding to uncouple, can happen at any time, but midlife women in particular appear to be staying with their partners even when they've emotionally left the marriage.
BACP-registered therapist, Susie Masterson, has a suggestion for why this demographic could find marriage a struggle in the first place.
Susie says, "We all change in relationships, just not necessarily at the same time or at the same pace. Midlife women in particular often experience a number of key life transitions in a relatively short period of time.
"These range from hormonal changes affecting sleep, mood and body image - to logistical changes such as children leaving home or parents moving in for additional care - all of which can be really confronting."
With changes and emotional shifts and transitions taking place, the marriage can no longer feel fulfilling or desirable when a couple are following different paths. As Georgina Sturmer points out, women at this stage can often end up feeling "unappreciated, dissatisfied, or even simply invisible in their marriage."
But why continue to stay together when the stigma surrounding divorce and separation is nowhere near as bad as it once was?
Georgina helps us understand this concept, also. She says, "It’s true that separation and divorce are far more socially acceptable than they were in the past, but it doesn’t mean that this process is easy.
"The financial consequences of separating can be dramatic, and this is all the more significant for women, who are often earning less than their husbands, or feel as if they are in a situation with less financial control within the marriage."
The therapist continues, "And it’s not just about the division of bank accounts and assets - divorce often means upheaval, a change in the family home and splintered relationships with friends and relatives.
"At a time when many women are feeling weighed down by the emotional and mental life, taking the steps towards divorce may simply feel like too much to cope with." In this instance, living under the same roof but with separate lives is a financially and emotionally safer decision.
Interestingly, Georgina tells us that, as well as the logistical ties that drive women to quit their marriage but stay with their partner, their attachment type can also have an impact on their choice to live this way.
"Our patterns of attachment play a role here," she says, adding, "In our early years, we develop default patterns and behaviours that we often repeat in our friendships and relationships.
"The idea of ‘quiet quitting’ - of silent withdrawal - is likely to feel most comfortable for someone who has an avoidant attachment style. By contrast, someone with an anxious attachment style is likely to respond differently, perhaps clinging to the relationship rather than drifting away from it."
Susie Masterson ends the discussion on a positive note, suggesting that "midlife is a brilliant time to review our relationships," and problems that arise during this time don't always need to be solved, but more "reoriented".
She says, "Sometimes dissatisfaction in a relationship is less about our partner than it is about a new awareness of ourselves. Whilst we are working this out, it can be helpful to quietly quit to give us some space to decide how we want to move forward.
"As a couples therapist, I tell my clients that I don’t have a vested interest in the outcome of their relationship, but I do want to help them better understand themselves and each other."
