While humans have kept domesticated animals for tens of thousands of years, there’s no evidence that anyone was ever driven out of a cave to make room for a pampered pup.
But these days the connections we, and our partners, have with pets can make or break intimate relationships.
Whether they’re enriching, sabotaging or sounding the alarm on a union, pets can wield an outsized influence on relationship success. From terrorism to tenderness, readers share their stories.
Green flags (and red ones)
“I started dating a man when my dog was still a puppy. He wasn’t really a dog person and my dog is very attention-needy. When we were chatting at my table and she kept trying to get his attention for pats, I noticed he pushed her away with perhaps a bit more force than I was comfortable with. She retreated to my bed and when we made our way in there later, I noticed my dog had peed on my bed. It was enough to put him off and he left shortly. My dog had done this before when my sister’s ex-partner stayed. It seems my dog is an excellent judge of character, especially with men who tend to be ‘angry’.”
Kirsten, Melbourne, Australia
“I had two mini fox terriers that I adored like children. My partner at the time knew what these dogs meant to me. He organised a professional pet photographer to come to our house to take the most beautiful photos and had them framed. He presented them to me on my birthday. It was the best present I’ve received. While I’m no longer with that partner and my dogs have both passed, I still have these beautiful photo memories.”
Jenn, Hobart, Australia
“In the early days, seeing the way my now long-term boyfriend was with my two cats absolutely cemented that I had picked a caring person. More than three years later, I will still regularly enter a room to find the pillows arranged on the bed to give one cat ‘a nice rest for his head’, or my boyfriend squeezed on to a tiny strip of the couch so the cats can stretch out.”
Laura, Sydney, Australia
“I recently broke up with a bloke who couldn’t regularly stay over at my place because his (lovely) dog would be too lonely. I was understanding! But as the relationship progressed, we wanted to spend more time together. He invited me over to stay at his place. But when I got there, it became clear that he never mopped his floors, despite the dog living inside. I watched him pooper scoop without spray’ n’ wiping and felt my stomach churn. I broke it off within the week. I love dogs, but can’t stand poor hygiene.”
Anonymous, Sydney, Australia
Coming together
“I had maintained a friendship with a former work colleague who had recently moved interstate. She one day contacted me to say that she would be in town for a few days, and would I like to meet up? We had always gotten along well and so I agreed to an evening out. After a nice evening together we were saying our goodbyes when she suddenly said “I haven’t met your cat!”.
For context, my cat was well known to everyone in the office as I often talked about his antics. Anyway, as I lived close by I said sure, why don’t you come over to meet him? Being somewhat slow on the uptake I was puzzled on the drive home. Why would she want to meet my cat? I mean, of course, he was awesome, but it did seem a little odd …
Upon our arrival home the proper introductions were made and the real reason for my former colleague wanting to meet my cat was revealed. Needless to say I loved my cat even more after that night.”
Anonymous, Adelaide, Australia
“I spent over 10 years with a guy because I loved his dog. We tried to make it work for a long while after she passed away, but needless to say, she was the only thing we had in common.”
Anonymous, Maldives
“I was unsure about my partner but meeting his beautiful four-year-old lab Penny sealed the deal 12 years ago.”
David, Adelaide, Australia
“First let it be known that felines have always been the centre of my universe, and that I would rather live without a partner than without a cat, or multiplicity of them. When Marta and I got together, she didn’t care much for cats. I found that shocking as she was a hardcore animal rights activist – but perhaps her lack of interest made some kind of sense, as cats are quite good at advocating for themselves. At first she would shun my two cats when she came to visit, which I took as a sign we had no future. Some months into the relationship she agreed to catsit for me when I was out of town, and that didn’t go so well either.
Even though I was very much in love with her, I was quite disheartened by her lukewarm reports on the cats’ wellbeing, frequency of pooping and general mood, and her total inability to tell them apart, even though one was black and other tri-coloured. How would we ever move up the relationship escalator with her so fatally flawed? I took a big leap of faith and asked her to move in with me. And then, slowly, cunningly, I embarked on the manipulative mission. At bedtime, as she was already falling asleep, I’d reach for TS Eliot’s Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats and read it in a hypnotic voice. I created urgent situations to bring in and temporarily foster more cats, of more varied colours and ages.
What ultimately broke her was a pair of newborn kittens we found thrown in the trash and had to keep alive, bottle-feeding them every two hours for about six weeks until they were ready for a new home. The intense caring experience and catering to every little miaow turned her into a proper cat-crazy lesbian, and affirmed her decision never to have human children. Today, over a decade later, I can proudly say that Marta loves cats more than she loves me, which is all I ever wanted in a partner.”
Mima, Berlin, Germany
Forcing apart
“My husband had wanted a dog for a long time but I had resisted. On moving to the country in 2019 I stopped resisting and finally agreed to a puppy. She has become the love of my husband’s life. Our relationship has deteriorated romantically since, in fact we have not had a sex since she came into our lives. I do love her too and she is a beautiful dog, but feel I have paid a very heavy price.”
Anonymous, Australia
“Our dog (medium-sized, 15kg) sleeps in a dog bed on top of our bed, at our feet, but it means we’re each forced to the side of the bed. Cuddling below is almost impossible. Can’t say I’m impressed, but it’s been this way for four years and there’s nowhere else for the dog to go.”
Anonymous, Australia
“My cat used to scratch at the door when I was getting intimate with an ex. She wouldn’t stop. They didn’t like having her in the room (or sleeping with us!) and she really liked being in the room or on the bed. Another ex was allergic. My ex was lovely and tried to accommodate by taking antihistamines. My cat is no longer with us but I can’t let my neighbours’ curious cat into my apartmen, otherwise my current partner’s allergies go wild. I’ve now opted to just not ever have a cat. I’m cursed.”
Beth, Melbourne, Australia
“My boyfriend refuses to share a bed with my cat. My cat refuses to sleep anywhere but my bed. We now have to sleep in the spare room and she sleeps in my room. I am not sure what will happen if we move in together.”
Jess, Gold Coast, Australia
Ending it all
“I was a uni student at the time, doing a science course. I had a friend who worked in the rat labs and she brought some baby rats home. So, I had a pet rat. One evening, in the throes of passion, my lover squealed in pain. He had been bitten on a soft part, by a small rat. That was a short lived relationship. Oh, OK, it was a short one-night stand.”
Anonymous, Australia
“My now ex-husband and my Siamese cat, Harry, vied for the alpha male position in the family. The battle was fierce. Harry would go into my husband’s study and strategically wee in various places. He did this in no other part of the house. I took Harry to an animal behaviourist who suggested I rehome Harry as, in her experience, these battles tend to drag on without resolution and ruin relationships. I was not prepared to do this (silly me), and yes, the battle continued.
The final straw occurred when my husband and I were enjoying a weekend holiday away in a spa resort. Everything was going well until I noticed a mark on my husband’s ankle, just above his bathroom slippers. Harry had pooed in my husband’s slippers, and the poor man was now wearing the consequences. Bad wife that I am, I laughed. Husband was not impressed. We divorced within the year and Harry stayed with me until his death. My ex-husband and I remain friends, and never refer to the fact that Harry won.”
Anonymous, Melbourne, Australia
“I broke up with a girlfriend because she said ‘it’s me or the cat’, and I immediately said ‘well that’s that, then’. Minky, the cat, had been with me about 15 years at that point and she was my first priority, which I’d told the girlfriend when we first started dating. The girlfriend seemed astonished! The decision really wasn’t about the cat, it was about a sign of something there might be more of. My current partner knows the story and the priority to both of us is cats over humans.”
Mark, Sydney, Australia
Quotes have been edited for structure, clarity and length
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• This article was amended on 6 January 2024 to remove some personal information.
