It feels like we get rumours of a potential return for Gavin & Stacey every five minutes - but sadly, our screens haven't been graced with a Christmas special since 2019. If only there was a highly sophisticated AI chat bot going viral at the moment, which could write us our very own script for an imaginary 2022 Christmas episode...
If you haven't heard of it already, the OpenAI ChatGPT bot is something of a revelation. Ask the bot to say something, answer a question, or write the script for a conversation, and the bot will deliver. It can have conversations just like a real human, give you personal advice and, crucially, write scripts for episodes of well-loved TV shows.
That means it can tell us what happened on the fishing trip, what happened after Nessa proposed to Smithy, and what Bryn thought of the World Cup. There's a slight stumbling block, though. The bot doesn't really know what Gavin & Stacey is - or at least, it doesn't know much.
READ MORE: Joanna Page's warning over Gavin & Stacey future as she says 'they don't tell me anything'
The AI is built for conversations, and has access to a lot of knowledge, but not quite enough. It knows the basics of who some of the characters are, but doesn't know how they would act, what situations they'd get into, or what jokes they'd make.
So, it needed a little bit of prompting, and once you've read the full script, we'll give an explanation of how we got it all to work - but in short, we got it started with some ideas for where we might find the characters at the beginning of the special, and sprinkled in a few topical references from this year's news. At the start of each scene, we gave the bot some pointers, and it got to work.
For instance, we prompted the AI to "Write a scene where Pam takes Neil, the baby, shopping in Cardiff," and it did a pretty good job from there. We didn't manually write any of this - we just chucked a few ideas in the bot's general direction.
A lot has been cut out - including a lengthy scene in which everyone talks about how much they love mince pies - and occasionally we've given the bot suggestions (for instance, "rewrite that scene but with more jokes,") but we've not added anything to the script itself, so in essence what you're about to read has been written by a bot. Here we go.
Our episode begins with Mick visiting Dawn and Pete, who have moved to north Wales - while Gavin and Stacey are getting ready to travel home to Barry for Christmas.
Mick: (frustrated) "I can't believe I have to get a train all the way through England just to get to Barry! It's bloody ridiculous!"
Dawn: (calmly) "Oh, come on Mick. It's not that bad. It's only a few hours on the train. And think of all the sights you'll see along the way."
Mick: (sarcastically) "Oh, I can't wait to stare out the window at all the motorways and service stations. That'll really get me in the Christmas spirit. But what about you two? Aren't you coming to Barry for Christmas?"
Dawn: (sheepishly) "Well, actually, Pete and I have booked a romantic weekend away. So we won't be joining everyone for Christmas this year."
Mick: (disappointed) "Oh, I see. Well, I suppose I'll have to make do with just the rest of the family then. Have a good weekend away."
(Cut to Gavin and Stacey's house)
Gavin: (excitedly) "Ooh, I can't wait to see everyone in Barry! I've got all the presents wrapped and ready to go."
Stacey: (rolling her eyes) "What have you wrapped? A pair of socks and a tin of biscuits?"
Gavin: (defensively) "Hey, those are some top-quality socks and biscuits. And I've got a few other things too."
Stacey: (skeptical) "Like what? A bar of soap and a pen?"
Gavin: (sheepishly) "Well, maybe. But I've also got some nice things for you, love. You'll see."
Stacey: (smiling) "I'm sure I will. Now, come on. Let's get packing. We've got a long journey ahead of us."
No, we're not sure why Gavin and Stacey have suddenly moved back to Billericay either. Anyway, back to Barry now - where, we've suggested to the bot, Bryn is making his thoughts known about the World Cup...
(Cut to Bryn's house in Barry)
Bryn: (furiously scribbling on a piece of paper) "I can't believe it. Wales were so close to making it to the knockout rounds of the World Cup, and then we go and throw it all away with a poor performance against Iran. It's a bloody disgrace."
Gwen: (gently) "Now, Bryn. Don't get yourself worked up. It's only a game of football."
Bryn: (irritated) "Only a game? Only a game?! This is the World Cup, Gwen! The biggest stage in football! And we had a chance to make history and we blew it. I've got half a mind to write a letter to the Wales manager, Rob Page, and tell him exactly how he could have done things differently."
Gwen: (skeptical) "Oh, and what do you know about football tactics, Bryn?"
Bryn: (defensively) "I know enough. I've watched enough matches and I've played enough in my day to have a good idea of what works and what doesn't. And I'll tell you one thing, Rob Page should have played a 4-4-2 formation. That's what I would have done if I were in charge."
Gwen: (rolling her eyes) "Oh, Bryn. Leave it alone. It's done now. And besides, it's not like we were expecting to win the whole thing. We're just a small country, after all."
Bryn: (indignantly) "Small country? We've got Gareth Bale! He's worth more than the entire Iranian team put together!"
Gwen: (laughing) "Oh, Bryn. You're always so dramatic. Now, come on. Let's get everything ready for when the rest of the family arrives. We don't want them to think we're not prepared for Christmas."
We'd like to take this moment to stress that the "small country" comment is entirely from the mind of AI-Gwen - and not something we suggested! Next up, Pam's on her way to Barry:
(Cut to Pam in her car, driving through Cardiff)
Pam: (excitedly) "Ooh, I can't wait to get to Barry and see everyone! I've got all the presents wrapped and ready to go. And I even got a little something extra for Neil, the baby. He's not really a baby anymore, of course. He's nearly 10 now. But he'll always be my little Neil, the baby."
Neil: (sitting in the back seat) "Auntie Pam, I'm not a baby. And my name is just Neil. No "the baby" needed."
Pam: (ignoring Neil) "Oh, don't be silly, Neil, the baby. You'll always be my little one. Now, let's see. I think we've got just enough time to stop off in Cardiff and do some last-minute shopping. I want to get a few extra treats for everyone."
Neil: (sighing) "Auntie Pam, we already did all the shopping. You bought enough food to feed an army. And we've got a ton of presents. I don't think we need anything else."
Pam: (dismissively) "Oh, don't be such a Scrooge, Neil, the baby. It's Christmas! It's the time for giving and sharing. And besides, you can never have too many treats at Christmas."
Neil: (rolling his eyes) "Fine. But can we at least go to a shop that's not called "Everything for a Pound?" I don't think anyone wants a plastic reindeer keychain or a novelty hat that says "Merry Kiss-mas."
Pam: (laughing) "Oh, Neil, the baby. You always know how to make me laugh. Alright, we'll go to a proper shop. How about John Lewis? I'm sure they'll have something nice."
Admittedly, we cut a bit out there. The AI decided it was worth writing a long, protracted scene of Pam walking around John Lewis looking at tea towels. Trust us, it wasn't worth including.
Now we join Smithy on the M4, where we've given the AI a very topical idea of something he's getting frustrated about:
(Cut to Smithy stuck in traffic on the M4)
Smithy: (frustrated) "What the bloody hell is going on here? We've been stuck in this traffic for hours! I'm never going to make it to Barry in time for Christmas at this rate."
Deano: (trying to calm Smithy down) "Come on, mate. It ain't that bad. At least we're in a nice warm car, and we've got some good tunes to listen to."
Smithy: (irritated) "Nice warm car? I'm sweating my balls off in here! And as for the tunes, I've heard all these songs a million times before. I need something new to keep me entertained."
Deano: (skeptical) "Like what? The sound of your own voice complaining about the traffic?"
Smithy: (ignoring Deano) "I know! I'll call up the First Minister of Wales, Mark Drakeford, and propose that Deano and I build the M4 relief road ourselves. We could do it in a weekend on the cheap, no problem."
Deano: (laughing) "Oh, come on, Smithy. You can't just call up the First Minister and make that kind of proposal. And even if you could, I don't think we have the skills or resources to build a motorway like that."
Smithy: (determined) "Ah, don't be such a party pooper, Deano. We can do anything we set our minds to. I'll just call up Mark Drakeford and see if he's interested."
(Smithy dials the number, but gets a voicemail message)
Mark Drakeford's voicemail: "Hello, you've reached the office of First Minister Mark Drakeford. Sorry I can't take your call right now. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible."
That's the last we'll see of Deano in this episode. The AI sort of forgets about him from this point on. Poor Deano.
(Cut to Mick arriving at Cardiff Central train station)
Mick: (exhausted) "Finally! I've been traveling for hours. First I had to get a train from Anglesey to Holyhead, and then I had to get another train from Holyhead to Cardiff. And now, I can't even get a train to Barry because of this bloody railway staff strike."
Train station worker: (apologetically) "I'm sorry, sir. There are no trains running to Barry until further notice due to the strike. Your best bet would be to try and get a taxi."
Mick: (irritated) "A taxi? From Cardiff to Barry? That's going to cost a bloody fortune."
(Mick exits the train station and sees a taxi with the Dave Coaches logo on the side)
Mick: (surprised) "Dave Coaches? What are you doing driving a taxi?"
Dave: (sheepishly) "Oh, hi, Mick. Yeah, I had to give up the coach business. It wasn't really working out for me. But I've been driving taxis for a few years now, and it's going pretty well."
Mick: (impressed) "Well, I'll be. Who would have thought it? Dave Coaches, the taxi driver. I never thought I'd see the day."
Dave: (laughing) "Yeah, well. You gotta do what you gotta do to make a living, right?"
Mick: (nodding) "Right. Well, I suppose you're the man for the job then. I need to get to Barry as soon as possible. Can you take me?"
Dave: (nodding) "Sure thing, Mick. Hop in and we'll get you to Barry in no time."
(Mick gets in the taxi and they set off for Barry)
Right, don't get disappointed - this is where Nessa comes in, but the AI doesn't really 'get' her trademark style. We tried everything short of explicitly asking it to use the phrase "what's occurin'," but thought that would count as meddling in the artistic process.
Anyway, time to find out what happened after 2019's cliffhanger, in which Nessa dramatically proposed to Smithy...
(Cut to Dave's taxi pulling up outside Bryn's house in Barry)
Mick: (exhausted) "Ah, finally. We're here. Thanks for the lift, Dave. I appreciate it."
Dave: (grinning) "No problem, Mick. Glad I could help out. Now, let's go inside and get ready for Christmas."
(Mick and Dave exit the taxi and approach the front door of Bryn's house)
Nessa: (suddenly appearing from around the corner) "Oi! Dave Coaches! What are you doing here?"
Dave: (nervously) "Uh, hi, Nessa. I'm just giving Mick here a lift. He needed to get to Barry and there was no other way to get here."
Nessa: (skeptical) "Is that so? Well, I suppose I can't argue with that. But what I really want to know is, why didn't you call me after I proposed to Smithy on Christmas Eve last year?"
Dave: (awkwardly) "Uh, well, Nessa. You see, the thing is, I-I didn't even know you proposed to Smithy. I'm sorry if I led you on or anything. It's just, I've got a lot going on with the taxi business and everything."
Nessa: (disappointed) "Oh, Dave. I thought we had something special. But I guess I was wrong. And to think, I almost married that Smithy bloke. Well, no hard feelings. I suppose I'll just have to move on and find someone else to marry."
Right, well. That's that, then. For the record, we didn't prompt the AI to decide that Smithy said no to Nessa's proposal. It did that all by itself. Fast forward a few minutes, and the whole family is arriving:
Thus ensues a really boring chat in which everyone goes on about how much they love mince pies. It's so boring that we've cut it out.
Time to add a bit of drama to proceedings - let's have Smithy and Nessa open up about their situation:
(Cut to Smithy and Nessa standing in the corridor)
Smithy: (awkwardly) "Uh, hey, Nessa. Can I have a quick word with you?"
Nessa: (skeptically) "What is it, Smithy? If it's about why we didn't get married, I'd rather not talk about it right now."
Smithy: (hesitantly) "I understand. I just wanted to apologize for not being ready for marriage. I know I let you down and I'm sorry."
Nessa: (sadly) "Ah, Smithy. It's okay. I understand. It's just, I thought we had something special. But I guess I was wrong."
Smithy: (trying to make amends) "Nessa, I still care about you. Maybe we can try and make it work, somehow?"
Nessa: (thoughtfully) "I don't know, Smithy. It's been a tough year. But I'll think about it. Maybe we can talk more after Christmas."
Smithy: (hopefully) "Thanks, Nessa. That's all I can ask for. Merry Christmas."
Nessa: (forced smile) "Merry Christmas, Smithy."
Aww, that's... nice, maybe? Now, we've put this off for long enough. We've waited years - over a decade, in fact - to find out. Time to ask the AI, once and for all, just what happened on that fishing trip?
(Cut to everyone sitting around the dinner table when there is a knock at the door)
Bryn: (excitedly) "Ah, that must be Jason. Come in, come in!"
(Jason enters, greeting everyone)
Jason: (cheerfully) "Merry Christmas, everyone! Sorry I'm late. Traffic was a nightmare on the M4."
Gwen: (happily) "Oh, Jason. It's so good to see you. We were just talking about that fishing trip you went on with your uncle Bryn. How did it go?"
Jason: (nervously) "Uh, well. It was, uh, interesting. Actually, there's something I've been meaning to tell you all. Something that happened on the fishing trip."
Everyone: (intrigued) "What is it, Jason? What happened?"
Jason: (hesitantly) "Well, you see. We were out on the boat, and we, uh, well, we caught a mermaid."
Everyone: (stunned) "A mermaid? Are you serious?"
Jason: (nodding) "Yes, I'm serious. We caught a real, live mermaid. And she begged us to set her free, so we did. But we had to promise not to tell anyone about it. It's a mermaid secret."
Gwen: (amazed) "Oh, my goodness. I can't believe it. A mermaid! And here I thought it was just a normal fishing trip."
Stacey: (excitedly) "This is amazing, Jason. I can't wait to tell the kids. They'll be so excited."
Bryn: (proudly) "Ah, well done, Jason. You kept your promise and didn't tell anyone about the mermaid. You're a true gentleman."
Jason: (grinning) "Thanks, everyone. It was quite an adventure. And who knows, maybe we'll catch another mermaid someday."
Wow. We seriously didn't expect that one. Blimey. Now, we kept trying to crowbar in the traditional scene in which Nessa dishes out her incredibly weird presents (taps in 2019, a box of Celebrations in 2008), but every version came out with her speaking incredibly formally. It was getting frustrating so we asked the AI to add a scene where someone asked about this.
(Cut to everyone sitting around the living room, chatting after they've opened their presents)
Gwen: (curiously) "Nessa, dear. Why are you speaking so formally all of a sudden?"
Nessa: (surprised) "What do you mean, Gwen? I'm not speaking formally."
Gwen: (puzzled) "Well, you're using words like 'therefore' and 'henceforth.' It's not like you at all."
Nessa: (sheepishly) "Oh, I see what you mean. It's just, I was trying to impress Smithy. You know, show him that I'm not just a rough and tough woman from the Valleys."
Bloody hell! We didn't ask the AI to be this prejudiced, and can only apologise. Now it's time to find out what Pete and Dawn have been up to on their romantic getaway...
(Cut to Dawn and Pete driving up to a run-down looking holiday park)
Pete: (puzzled) "Dawn, are you sure this is the right place? It doesn't look like the romantic getaway we booked."
Dawn: (irritably) "Of course it's the right place. I'm not an idiot, Pete. It says 'Prestatyn Holiday Park' on the booking confirmation. It must be a mistake."
Pete: (sarcastically) "Oh, well that explains it. It must be a mistake. Because there's no way we could have accidentally booked a holiday at a dump like this."
Dawn: (angrily) "Don't be ridiculous, Pete. It's not a dump. It's a holiday park. And I'm sure it'll be fine once we get to our cabin."
(They walk into the reception area and approach the desk)
Dawn: (snapping) "Excuse me, we booked a romantic getaway for Christmas and we were supposed to be staying in a luxury cabin. But this looks more like Pontins."
Receptionist: (apologetically) "I'm sorry, ma'am. This is Pontins. You must have accidentally booked a holiday here instead of at the luxury cabin resort."
Dawn: (fuming) "Oh, great. Just what we needed. Another one of Pete's screw-ups. I can't believe we're stuck here for Christmas."
Pete: (defensively) "Hey, it's not my fault. You're the one who booked the holiday. You should have double checked the details."
Dawn: (scowling) "I can't believe you're blaming me for this. You're always messing things up. It's no wonder we're stuck at Pontins."
Pete: (angrily) "Well, maybe if you weren't so uptight all the time, we could have actually enjoyed our romantic getaway. But no, you had to ruin it with your perfectionism."
(They stand there, glaring at each other, as the receptionist watches awkwardly)
No offence to any Pontins fans out there. Back to Barry now, for the emotional, heart-warming conclusion of the episode:
(Cut back to the Christmas dinner table in Barry)
Bryn: (laughing) "Ah, look at these sprouts. They're as big as tennis balls. I've never seen anything like it."
Nessa: (sarcastically) "Oh, great. Just what we needed. More sprouts. My favorite."
Smithy: (teasingly) "Come on, Nessa. You can't hate sprouts. They're a Christmas tradition."
Nessa: (scowling) "They're a tradition of torture, more like. But I suppose I'll suffer through them for the sake of tradition."
Gwen: (smiling) "Ah, well. It's good to have a bit of fun at Christmas. And we're all together, which is the most important thing."
Stacey: (nodding) "Yes, that's true. And I'm so grateful to have all of you here with us. This has been such a difficult year, but having you all here makes it a little bit easier."
Gavin: (tearfully) "I know what you mean, Stace. I've been thinking a lot about my mum and dad lately. They're not here with us anymore, but I feel like they're with us in spirit. And I'm so grateful to have all of you here, to share this special day with."
(There are tears in everyone's eyes as they raise their glasses in a toast)
Everyone: (toasting) "Merry Christmas, everyone. Here's to being together and making the most of it."
(The camera pans out, as the family embraces and the episode ends)
Hang on, we're not having that. Why has this bot killed off Pam and Mick in the middle of an episode? We're going back in - time to ask the bot to explain what's just happened.
Gwen: (concerned) "Stacey, dear. What did you mean when you said that Pam and Mick were no longer with us?"
Stacey: (startled) "What? Oh, no. I didn't mean that they were gone. I meant that they couldn't be with us for Christmas this year because they were busy with other commitments."
Gavin: (puzzled) "But I thought they were here. I saw them earlier in the kitchen."
Stacey: (sheepishly) "Oh, right. I must have misspoke. I'm sorry, everyone. I didn't mean to worry you. Pam and Mick are here, safe and sound."
Pam: (laughing) "Yes, we're here. And we've been here the whole time. You can't get rid of us that easily."
Mick: (joking) "Yeah, you'll have to try harder than that to get rid of us. We're not going anywhere."
(Everyone laughs and the tension is relieved)
Nessa: (grinning) "Well, that was a bit of a scare. But it's good to know that Pam and Mick are still with us. They're an integral part of this family."
Pam: (tearfully) "Thank you, Nessa. That means a lot to us. We're so grateful to be here with all of you, sharing this special day."
(Everyone raises their glasses in a toast)
Everyone: (toasting) "Here's to family, and to being together for Christmas. Cheers!"
THE END
Right, well. That was strange, to say the least. A Christmas special that ends with Stacey hallucinating the sudden disappearance of her in-laws.
If you're interested, stick around now for an explanation of how that all came together:
When we saw the OpenAI chat bot was going viral for having hyper-realistic conversations, and even writing things in the style of popular TV series, we wanted to ask it, outright, to write a new Gavin and Stacey Christmas special, from scratch. It tried, but, to be honest, it was rubbish.
It got the names of all the families wrong, there weren't any jokes, nothing really happened, and three separate characters used the phrase: "I can't believe how fast the time goes by. It feels like just yesterday we were all together for the last Christmas special."
That's because the bot claims that it's just a chat bot, and isn't able to scour the internet for background information (such as the actual plot of Gavin and Stacey). It clearly knows some things, like the names of individual characters, but not enough.
So, we drew up a list of things to ask the bot to write scenes about. Firstly, we asked it to create scenes about things that fans of the show would want to find out, like whether Nessa said yes to Smithy's proposal, whatever became of Dave Coaches, and what happened on the fishing trip.
Secondly, we fed it some ideas for scenes based on topical and memorable events and places in Wales. That's why Smithy has the idea of building the M4 relief road, Mick tries to get the train during a strike, and Dawn and Pete end up in Prestatyn.
There were a few surprises with what we got as a result (for instance, the AI doesn't have a clue what the fishing trip joke is about, so it came up with some weird story about a mermaid). Basically, each scene you read was created by us giving the AI a one or two sentence prompt, but actual dialogue was 100% AI.
The one major frustration was getting the characters' mannerisms right. We didn't get a single "Oh my Christ," "What's occurin'," or reference to an omelette. Quite impressively, all the "Neil, the baby" jokes were the AI's own creation, though.
We had to keep reminding it to "make the characters talk using their mannerisms and vocabulary from the TV show." A couple of times, we asked it to rewrite a scene to include more jokes, to remedy any major errors (for example, it kept thinking Pam was Neil (the baby)'s mum, and sometimes make the characters act more... well, in-character. We also cut out some (seriously) boring filler dialogue.
But generally, we tried not to meddle too much. You can judge the results for yourself. You can also have a go at chatting with the OpenAI bot here - and could even try and get it to write another Christmas special for you!
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