What could possibly be more romantic than Paris? The city itself is like a Hallmark card: twinkling lights over the Seine; tiny, cute coffees in pavement cafes; hand-holding along the Champs-Élysées; artists thronging through Montmartre. Yet if Paris (ergo France, to extrapolate: bear with me) is the epicentre of love, why is it that more and more couples who both live – and holiday – there are choosing to sleep apart?
Because that’s what is happening, and it’s causing no small degree of bemusement. Researchers discovered a little while ago that 10 per cent of French couples who live together now sleep in different rooms and a further 6 per cent would like to – but are scared of the consequences. The Ifop study found that more than 20 per cent of couples aged 65 and over sleep in separate rooms; but it’s not just older people. Reports suggest young people are increasingly choosing to sleep in separate beds, too.
And that’s not the only thing: couples on holiday in places like Paris – where you might expect intimate time together to be a priority – are also switching to twin rooms; in a recently discovered phenomenon known as “sleep divorce”. According to the latest data in hotel trends, the new fad (where couples choose to sleep in separate beds, pay for a suite or even two rooms altogether) is becoming increasingly popular.
So, what’s going on? I have an idea: people are choosing to prioritise their wellbeing, over the (yes, I’ll say it) somewhat sanctimonious belief that to be truly happy together, you have to share a bed; and so sacrifice a solid night’s sleep – with all the painful ramifications that come with that.
After all, studies show that an inadequate amount of sleep can affect your brain’s ability to retain memory, and sleeplessness can be connected to having a weaker immune system.
Science seems to back up the idea that our ability to regulate our emotions is reduced after a bad night’s sleep; and we now know that having as little as six hours sleep a night can lead to a 200 per cent increased risk of suffering a stroke or fatal heart attack. Lack of sleep can also lead your brain to develop a greater concentration of beta amyloid – a toxic protein that’s linked to Alzheimer’s disease. Losing sleep can even increase your risk of developing bowel, prostate or breast cancer later in life.
On the flip side: getting a good night’s sleep can help mediate your blood pressure – which is why missing out on a restful night can also negatively impact your cardiovascular system. And it might just make you happier.
Let’s look at it bluntly: if you can sleep anywhere, like the dead, then good for you. I can’t. Countless others can’t, either – not when there’s someone (maybe) snoring and (sometimes) talking and (very likely) rustling the bedsheets and (almost definitely) checking their phone. If you choose to get a good eight hours in your own bed, away from your partner – to improve your health as well as your emotional wellbeing – that is a good thing. We should celebrate it.
I’m not alone: I have dozens of friends who are, like me, in their forties and no longer sharing a bed – either because they’re single (and relish being able to starfish in the middle of the mattress without getting an elbow in the face); or because they’ve made the conscious decision to sleep blissfully apart.
I spoke to one friend recently who confessed, almost guiltily, that she’s been saying “goodnight” to her partner before going into her own bedroom to sleep at night, where it is “calm and clean and smells of lavender”. Another admitted her husband started sleeping upstairs in the loft when he had a bad cough, but then chose to stay there – and they really couldn’t be happier.
Others have told me that sleeping apart has actually revitalised their sex life, because they’re having to choose fun ways (and places) to get time together and it makes it feel illicit (like snatching a snog as a teenager when your parents are home). One pal even confessed she texted her husband to tell her to meet her at the bottom of the garden for a quickie behind the shed, while the kids were inside the house doing their homework. It’s all got very Rivals, suddenly, hasn’t it?
So, if those who do it say it adds a certain je ne sais quoi to the bedroom – rather than taking it away – why all the fears around sleeping apart? Is it because it implies your relationship is “over” – or doomed? Do you worry that it might mean the end of your physical relationship? Is that really what’s going on: people are too afraid it will stop them having sex – or, perhaps highlight all the sex they’re not having and force them into an awkward conversation about why?
Consider pitching this as an alternative: it’s hotter to have to work to find time to be together. And don’t just take it from me, take it from the (s)experts who say the fastest route to desire is finding anywhere but the bedroom to make love.
There are plenty of ways to show you love and care for someone – and desire them – without having to put up with them snoring in your ear all night; or rolling over and accidentally kneeing you in the small of your back.
But I digress: I simply can’t see it as anything but a good thing if people are stating their needs within a relationship. And if those needs include getting a basic eight hours, then we could all learn a thing or two from that.
