Dear Vix,
I feel terrible for saying this, but I’m stuck in a sort of living nightmare, as the sole carer for my ageing parents. They’re in their eighties – Mum is 84 and Dad is 89 – and they refuse to get help or go into assisted living or residential accommodation. They think they can just look after themselves, and each other, but it’s becoming very clear this isn’t the case anymore. Dad is forgetful, to the point of being dangerous, and Mum thinks she’s fine to drive and cook even though her eyesight is poor and her coordination is worse than that. But as independent as they both insist they are, they still rely on me sorting everything out for them.
I have to do all their shopping and pay their bills for them and they call me whenever something happens – like a lightbulb needs replacing, or they need a pint of milk, or medicine. They expect me to drop everything and go, but I have my own life too: a busy job, health issues and kids of my own, and I don’t live around the corner – it’s a half-hour drive, every single time.
I know that they don’t have anyone else (I’m an only child) and so it’s my duty, but I deeply resent the responsibility of it all. And I feel guilty for feeling the way I do, on top of that. I do love them, but I’m exhausted. Some days I wish I had an excuse that would stop me having to do everything – I even find myself wishing I was ill or had an accident, so they’d have to accept I couldn’t drop everything and go to them.
I feel like my life isn’t my own anymore, it’s one of servitude, basically. It’s making me so run down and fatigued and frustrated and I don’t know how to fix it.
Exhausted
Dear Exhausted,
You are, in name and nature. I can hear how burnt out you are from here, and I’m wondering who is looking after your needs. You’re looking after others all the time, and I do wonder who is prioritising you – and why that isn’t yourself.
We don’t properly support carers in this country, full stop – the new prime minister, Andy Burnham, has pledged to “overhaul” social care in this country, which is long overdue and extremely welcome (as long as he can find a way to pay for it). It’s widely recognised that we face a caring crisis in this country, and people like you are collateral damage.
But while I understand the sense of duty you carry towards your parents – especially as an only child – one of our responsibilities as adults is to recognise that we can’t drink from an empty cup. That we need to fit our own oxygen mask first, before making sure everyone in the burning plane around us survives.
Put simply: if you give of yourself until depletion, there will be nothing left to give.
For more from Vix, sign up to her Independent Women newsletter – a weekly dose of smart, sharp and unflinching stories on the issues that matter most.
It makes me want to ask whether you have been running away from your own needs for a long time – and why that is? As for what you can do about it, again – I understand your parents are fragile, but proud; that they refuse to accept outside help while simultaneously treating you as the help. Some people simply cannot bear to face the fact they’re getting old.
And it’s time to explain to them that you are just one person and you have limits. Then you need to do the gritty, tough thing of putting in some boundaries. You only have so much expendable energy – and time – and you’re going to need to ringfence some of it to recover. So, start by telling them that rather than dropping everything and rushing to them every time they need a pint of milk, you will be visiting on set days, at set hours. As soon as they get used to that routine, you’d be amazed how well they cope in the “in between” moments.
You could also contact their neighbours or local friends to try to set up a “community web” of support – I have friends who have done exactly this when it was needed, from a friend who was going through chemotherapy while singlehandedly looking after two young children; to friends who couldn’t manage without help from others when they were grieving.
When I went into labour with my second child, I was able to call a trusted friend to come over and babysit my toddler so I could go to the hospital. People gather fast and well around those in need. But it’s going to be on you to let them – and to relinquish some of the responsibility you are enacting, perhaps because you feel guilty for the way you have been feeling (so, you have probably been overcompensating).
And as you will tell your parents: of course, if there is an emergency, you will be there for them in a heartbeat – but you have a family of your own to look after. You can ask them to consider whether calling for a replacement lightbulb really is an “emergency” – and if it isn’t, then it can wait until your next visit. It might also help to create a shared shopping list, so your parents feel in control and don’t have to call you every five minutes to remind you.
If that doesn’t work for them, then you’re going to need to have a frank conversation to help them face up to the fact that they need external professional assistance from a care company to fill the gaps. You are already doing so much; please don’t feel you need to carry the weight of their feelings about accepting help for them, too. Right now, it seems to me it isn’t only your mum and dad who aren’t able to look after themselves. You all deserve more.
Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email [email protected]
