Dear Vix,
My daughter started university this autumn and is having real problems with a “frenemy” (let’s call her “Amy”). Amy and my daughter became “best friends” very fast. I thought there were some red flags, as this girl seemed to be dominant and a bit controlling. She then started being very mean to my daughter and was very negative towards her, even in front of other people.
Fast forward a few months and Amy has now found another “best” friend who she looks up to and has “demoted” my daughter (a good thing, in a way). Except that they’re still all part of the same social group (they’ve even signed a contract for a house-share together, next year) and Amy’s meanness has escalated.
As a result, my daughter has become closer to two other girls in the same halls, who have started to defend her when Amy is mean to her. Amy and her new BFF have cottoned on to this and are now saying they don’t like the other two girls – and that my daughter has to pick sides. It’s put her in an impossible situation.
Amy is incredibly manipulative and shouty and I am really concerned for my daughter. She is being isolated from the only two girls who are kind and supportive towards her, and I feel like she needs to get out of her house contract for next year, even if we lose the deposit. I don’t see how she can live with Amy, but she’s worried that if she pulls out, it’ll cause all sorts of problems. She’s also asked us not to be too negative about Amy as she feels like she has to be friends with her – and make the best of it.
She’s stuck where she is for the time being, and I don’t know how to advise her on dealing with Amy and her mean entourage. I feel like it’s all getting worse and am encouraging her to develop new friendships, but the more we hear about Amy, the more I worry. I think my daughter is really scared about it all and is just hoping it will get better. But what if it doesn’t?
Worried Mum
Dear Worried Mum,
Your email really got me in the feels, because we’ve heard so much about toxic friendship groups and how to protect yourself from the “mean girl” mentality, recently. Even celebrities aren’t immune: one of the biggest talking points of the year so far has been Ashley Tisdale’s decision to leave her “toxic mom group” in LA because of their “mean girl” behaviour, which – like with your daughter – has consisted of leaving people out, forging breakaway groups and (by all accounts) being pretty bitchy.
“I remember being left out of a couple of group hangs, and I knew about them because Instagram made sure it fed me every single photo and Instagram Story,” Ashley wrote in an essay for The Cut. “I was starting to feel frozen out of the group, noticing every way that they seemed to exclude me.
“I could sense a growing distance between me and the other members of the group, who seemed to not even care that I wasn’t around much. When everyone else attended a birthday dinner together, I was met with excuses as to why I hadn’t been invited.” Ashley says she soon realised her group had a pattern of leaving someone out – “and that someone had become me”. So, she texted the group chat one final time, saying: “This is too high school for me and I don’t want to take part in it anymore.”
Boom. My unfiltered opinion for your daughter would be to absolutely in no circumstances live with this girl – “Amy” – next year. If she’s mean now, imagine the hell of having to put up with her moods, her cliques and her backstabbing not just for the next six or so months, but for a whole new year at university – a time when we’re finally allowed to shrug off the trappings of being inexperienced teenagers who go to school and live at home, and finally go out into the world to find out who we are and what we like.
I appreciate how worried you are as a parent (and I don’t know how much the house deposit has cost you all) but if you can withstand it financially if you don’t get the money back – and if it won’t be too hard paying a deposit for another place – then prioritise her happiness if you possibly can. And to your daughter, who (understandably) is worried about how her ditching the new shared house will go down with Amy and her acolytes, I would say: however bad it is to tell her, it’ll be a lot better than having to live with her and tread on eggshells to “keep the peace” throughout 2027 and 2028.
I’ve known a lot of “Amys” and am all for ditching those who are cruel to us or who make us feel bad about ourselves – we don’t have to be anyone’s “fall guy”. I’ve been as brazen as to cut off completely a few people who (whether consciously or not) bad-mouth others, who seem to go out of their way to cut me down, or who simply take, take, take without giving anything back. I want to focus on “cup fillers” – those people who lift us up and seek out the good. Life is too short to spend it fawning, people-pleasing or being a one-man band for attention seekers.
I have a hunch that as soon as she’s had her hissy fit about your daughter dropping out of the house arrangement (and for ease, she could always tell them that she’s been asked to live with friends they don’t know), she’ll soon get bored and move on to another victim. But at least your daughter won’t have to deal with it day to day.
She’s got a few months left until the university term ends: I recommend she stick with the two girls who have been so supportive and loyal, make plans with them and minimise her contact with Amy (and her disciples) as much as possible. Rather than friends, treat them as housemates. She can come and go to the house and use it as a base, but go out with her real friends. Perhaps you could get her a small TV or some comfy scatter cushions for her bedroom to give it a bit of a makeover, so she can keep it as her sanctuary and spend more time in there rather in common areas like the lounge and kitchen. The time will pass quickly.
Your advice about her seeking out new friendships is spot on – but a word of gentle warning: you might be in danger of over-performing in your role as mother, here. I would be exactly the same as you (frightened, worried, anxious and loving them so much that we want to fix it for them) but we also need to remember what university is all about: making your own way in the world. Finding your feet. Being an individual. Growing up.
Empower and trust your daughter to handle this difficult situation for herself. She sounds smart and wise, and she clearly cares about your opinion enough to tell you about what’s been going on. That tells me you’ve raised someone empathetic and capable and who has the security of knowing she has a loving home base to fall back on. She knows you will always be there for her – from a distance. That will help her work this out.
Do you have a problem you would like to raise anonymously with Dear Vix? Issues with love, relationships, family and work? Email dearvix@independent.co.uk
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