THERE was an exciting scientific development this week - boffins taught the brain cells which they had extracted from humans and mice how to play Pong.
For those readers who belong to a younger generation, Pong was a table tennis-themed arcade game which was released by Atari in the 1970s, became enormously popular around the world and helped to launch the modern video console industry.
Its success was in its simplicity. Participants used paddles to bat a ball back and forth, making a “pong” sound whenever there was contact, and scored a point when their opponent failed to return. The winner was the first to reach 11.
Researchers at Cortical Labs, University College London, the University of Melbourne and Monash University decided it was perfect for their ground-breaking “DishBrain” – a multi-electrode which can sense cell activity and provide feedback - experiments.
The cell groups took part in 486 games (humans were never pitted against mice because that would have just been silly) of Pong and over time they became less likely to be aced and capable of holding longer rallies.
Quite what the objective of this all was is anybody’s guess. Will amoebas be dab hands at FIFA ’23 one day in the not-too-distant future? Still, the scientists seemed rather excited by their findings. “Remarkably, the cultures learned how to make their world more predictable,” said Professor Karl Friston, a co-author of the study.
The inhabitants of the petri dishes in Professor Friston’s laboratory sound as if they probably possess a higher level of intelligence than a few of the unfortunate individuals who follow Scottish football teams.
Those who are convinced that both the SFA and their referees are biased against their clubs and secretly favour their rivals – and there is, alas, no shortage of them in the stands of stadiums around the country - are certainly not very bright.
How will they react when they are exposed to new technology and VAR is introduced to the cinch Premiership at long last next week? Will they shock onlookers with the speed with which they adapt? Do not hold your breath. Their response is likely to be all-too predictable.
If anything, the paranoid conspiracy theories which abound around the grounds will be fuelled even further by the decisions which are arrived at after match officials have reviewed video replays of key incidents pitchside.
There are numerous contentious calls in the top flight every weekend and clips of them are pored over and debated for days afterwards. A consensus about whether the right ruling was given is seldom if ever reached. Personal allegiances invariably colour supporters’ views regardless of how blatant the offence was.
Going forward, though, the more sensible spectators, and there are one or two of them out there, will no longer be able to shrug their shoulders and say: “Och, well, the referee only had a split second to make his mind up there, he doesn’t have the advantage of seeing that back like we did, he’s only human.” It could very well be carnage.
But with a bit of luck VAR should do far more good than harm.
There are some appalling decisions made in important games at the moment. Offside goals are allowed to stand, stonewall penalties are not awarded and cynical fouls go unpunished. League fixtures and cup ties are often settled by howlers.
It is no longer acceptable to say that such injustices even themselves out over the course of a season. Not when high-profile flashpoints can be watched back instantaneously on smart phones from a variety of different angles. The credibility of our beloved sport and much-maligned men-in-the-middle is at an all-time low as a result.
Scottish whistlers have been desperate for the Premiership to join the vast majority of leagues around Europe and implement VAR for a long time. It is in place in Israel, Greece, Poland, Serbia and Ukraine in one form or another. Even some second tier divisions in larger nations have it. Refereeing displays should improve and the pressure on them eased considerably.
VAR can actually increase the drama of a game on occasion - like in those instances when an infringement is picked up on which has not been spotted by players or the crowd and an unexpected spot kick is given – and anything which can improve an atmosphere at Fir Park, Pittodrie or Tynecastle is to be welcomed.
The DishBrain dudes are not done yet. By all accounts, they feel the creation of a synthetic biological intelligence is within reach in their lifetimes. They now plan to get their cells “drunk” on ethanol and see how it affects their Pong performances.
The SFA officials responsible for overseeing the implementation of VAR will probably need a few large measures themselves to get through the coming weeks and deal with the controversies which will inevitably arise. After all, the best-laid schemes o’ mice an’ men gang aft agley.
But anyone who genuinely cares about Scottish football should raise a glass to VAR, accept there will be teething problems and give it every chance to succeed. Those who are against this overdue move don’t have two brain cells to rub together.
