The shining lights of British television could never have hoped to match the drama, intrigue and entertainment that unfolded in Westminster and in this great nation’s many royal households in 2022.
However, that does not mean we should discount their efforts. So here’s a bunch of special awards and honourable mentions to round off the TV year.
NB. I’ve also included my actual favourite programmes and personalities. You know, in the interests of goodwill and fairness.
Animal Fact Of The Year:
“Rats will do anything for a fruit loop.” A rat expert on ITV ’s The Secret Life Of Our Pets in January.
See also, Tory MPs rallying around Boris Johnson that same month.
False Promise Of The Year:
Danish “laughter yoga” instructor Soren, who claimed on Bradley And Barney Walsh: Breaking Dad (ITV) that if you fake-laugh for long enough your brain will be tricked into thinking something’s funny.
I tried your trick out on the Ricky Gervais Netflix special SuperNature, Soren. It doesn’t work, mate.
Unanswered Question Of The Year:
Did Ulrika Jonsson only agree to settle for a slot on E4’s Celebs Go Dating once the channel had 100% confirmed there would be no celebrity version of Married At First Sight UK?
The Spoilsports Award, Sponsored By VAR:
The producers of ITV’s Dancing On Ice, who ruined our fun in Props Week by failing to give Gazza’s lad Regan a fishing rod, four cans of beer and some cooked chicken.
The “Yes! There Is A God!” Award:
Gary Barlow’s mini keyboard giving up the ghost on BBC Breakfast in March, which meant he could not perform live on the show.
Star Baker Of The Year:
Emma Willies – sorry, Willis – for her elephant’s head Viennese biscuits on C4’s The Great Celebrity Bake Off. Presumably the elephant was called Plumbo.
Terrible Idea Of The Year:
Matt Lucas: “Maybe we should do a naked Bake Off.” No thanks, Matt. No one wants to see Paul Hollywood’s soggy bottom.
Thing Most Likely To Make You Say “So That’s Why She Has So Many Kids” Of The Year:
The star of C4 makeover show Katie Price ’s Mucky Mansion confessing she often gets Dulux and Durex mixed up.
TV Quiz Of The Year:
Who said: “We have to face the fact that we spent the whole summer making something that’s s***e”?
A) Love Island host Laura Whitmore at the ITV2 dating show’s wrap party.
B) Michelle (Jamie Lee-O’Donnell) on the gang’s failed school project in C4’s magnificent Derry Girls.
It was B. Although Laura did quit soon after, so....
Switch Hof Of The Year:
BBC1’s ice-based celebrity nonsense Freeze The Fear With Wim Hof.
Clarification Of The Year:
The Man With A Penis On His Arm was one of those sensitive medical documentaries from C4. Not the title of the backstage novelty act John Barrowman used to perform for his Torchwood co-stars.
Survey Of The Year:
Davina McCall’s Sex, Mind And The Menopause on ITV which was “the biggest representative survey of menopausal women in the UK”. Well, since they ditched the Sexiest Male category at the British Soap Awards.
The Missed Chance Award, In Association With Harry Kane:
The casting directors of C4’s Wagatha Christie film Vardy V Rooney: A Courtroom Drama, for failing to find “a small part” for Peter Andre.
Honourable Man Of The Year:
David Walliams, who admirably kept his promise that he would leave Britain’s Got Talent if his golden buzzer act was eliminated. What’s that? What do you mean that’s not why he left the show?
TV Advice Of The Year:
“All you need is the ability to understand the mind of a six-year-old.” Julie Etchingham giving herself a pep talk as she prepared to chair ITV’s Tory leadership debate in July. (OK, it was actually Alan Carr on how to succeed in his latest Epic Gameshow Child’s Play.)
Royal Question Of The Year:
In July, Channel 4 ’s A Royal Guide To… asked: “How do you set a table for a royal banquet?” Dunno, but by December I’m guessing it was: Remove Harry and Meghan’s place mats completely and put Andrew in the kitchen with the footmen.
Acting Achievement Of The Year:
Andrew Buchan, who played Matt Hancock in Sky Atlantic’s This England and somehow made him appear even more creepy than the real Matt Hancock.
Bold Editorial Decision Of The Year:
ITV’s This Morning going ahead with a feature on advent calendars in November, despite the very real danger that infamous queue deniers Holly and Pip might nip in and open all the doors before anyone else could.
Pots And Kettles Of The Year/Century Award:
Paul Burrell, whose considered verdict on Netflix’s Harry And Meghan was that it was “exploiting Diana”.
Yep. Paul Flippin’ Burrell.
TV Helmet Of The Year:
I know this award sounds like it was created with Richard Madeley or James Corden in mind, but I’m giving it to Bez from the Happy Mondays for his watermelon headgear on Dancing On Ice.
The New Face Of 2022 Award, Brought To You By Botox:
Simon Cowell, The One Show (BBC1), December.
The Postman Pat Award For Delivering About As Often As A Striking Royal Mail Worker:
Piers Morgan. Eight months of nightly shows on SquawkTV, with only one scoop – Ronaldo – worth tweeting home about.
The Jeffrey Dahmer Award For Aspiring Serial Killers:
Stephen Fry, who made this confession on This Morning in December: “As a child I used to collect the bones and skeletons of animals and send them to Blue Peter.”
Nifty Footwork Of The Year:
Tony Adams, who happened to pull out of BBC1’s Strictly Come Dancing just as wall-to-wall coverage of World Cup 2022 was about to begin.
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