As Johnny Cash nicely summarized in ‘A Boy Named Sue’, a difficult, embarrassing, or awkward name can build character. After all, if you’re saddled with a moniker that makes people judge you before they ever meet you, you have to work extra hard to disprove them.
But even so, we have to wonder what the parents of Donald Trump’s acting Chief Security Officer at the Department of Homeland Security were thinking. In a name that sounds like something Bart would prank Moe’s Tavern with, meet *drumroll* Iwona B. Horyn. Yes, that’s really, seriously, her name.
Darling, we all want to be doing that, but it’s the middle of the week, and some of us have work in the morning. Keep your powder dry until the weekend and I’m sure we can work something out!
You might be suspicious of whether Iwona B. Horyn is really someone’s name and not some satirical joke. But, to counter that, please see this officially published list of Department of Homeland Security leadership for yourself, with Ms Horyn right there in black and white. Naturally, the internet is deeply amused:
I’m sorry I checked and saw you’re correct and I just still refuse to believe it
— Merrick(@punishedmother) November 26, 2025
You could maybe get away with Iwona Horyn based on the poor grammar, its clinically insane to choose to include the middle initial B in your professional name to tie it together
— &rew (Don't be Hatin' It's Just) P8n (@the_ides_of_may) November 26, 2025
Does anyone know Iwona B Horyn? https://t.co/nDy0eJMSuo pic.twitter.com/fdOwmG06GF
— Torque Marx (@SwitchRepairSho) November 26, 2025
Wtf
— justin friebe (@davidwillybaby) November 26, 2025https://t.co/IcUcvONJvs pic.twitter.com/ulZYX8pF69
The laughs just keep coming
But, amusingly, the joke doesn’t stop there. Apparently, Horyn has been tasked with establishing a “department-wide polygraph program” with the intention of using the “lie detectors” to catch leakers. Horyn’s boss, Kristi Noem, is extremely enthusiastic about the idea, gleefully telling reporters, “We’re polygraphing everybody!”
There’s only one teeny-tiny problem. Polygraphs are nonsense science that don’t work, which is why they’re inadmissible in court. They can be used to apply psychological pressure to people, but as a way of actually detecting lies, they’re completely bogus.
So, Horyn has been given a pointless job that’s going to cost the taxpayer money and achieve precisely zilch. Arguably, she’d contribute far more happiness to the world if she simply lived up to her name.
