Trevor Noah
New York has been on edge since the Brooklyn subway shooting on Tuesday, which injured 29 people during the morning commute, including at least four schoolchildren. “First of all, thank god nobody died in this attack,” said Trevor Noah on Wednesday’s Daily Show. “That’s the main thing. It’s honestly a miracle, in fact. And kudos to all the people who stepped up to help each other in a crazy moment like this.”
With New York on edge in the wake of a mass subway shooting, a hero stepped in: Zack Tahhan pic.twitter.com/bG1UkRSyiD
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) April 14, 2022
“People always say that New Yorkers are selfish and rude and won’t lift a finger for other people,” he continued, “and that’s true … on a normal day. On a normal day, New Yorkers are not trying to help anybody.”
But after seven years in New York City, Noah had learned that “when shit hits the fan, New Yorkers come together. Always, always.” Cell phone footage from the attack on Tuesday, in which the suspect Frank R James released a smoke bomb and shot a 9mm Glock indiscriminately, shows passengers carrying others out of the station, performing first aid, and looking for the shooter.
It took authorities 30 hours to apprehend James, 62, in part because the security cameras at the 36th street station in the Sunset Park neighborhood failed to capture anything during the attack. The MTA has 10,000 cameras dispersed in 472 subways stations, and claims that only those three were not operational that day.
Noah didn’t buy it. “Really? Out of 10,000 cameras in the subway system, the only three that weren’t working are the ones that could’ve helped. Really? Uh, that’s a crazy stroke of bad luck if it were true.”
James was arrested in Manhattan after a tip from 21-year-old Zach Tahhan, who was, ironically enough, installing security cameras at an apartment nearby. “So if the city had hired Zach to fix their busted-ass subway cameras, then maybe Zach wouldn’t have had to get them out of this mess in the first place!” Noah mused.
Noah thanked Zach, as well as “all the New Yorkers who stepped up on the subway yesterday, because this event turned out a whole lot better than it could have. And you know whatever this guy intended to do to New York, it didn’t work. New York is a tough place. After 9/11, New York bounced back. After Hurricane Sandy, New York bounced back.” After the devastating first wave of Covid, too.
“The point is: this city keeps coming back and that’s what makes it the greatest city in the world.”
Stephen Colbert
On the Late Show, Stephen Colbert also celebrated the arrest of James after a tense 30-hour manhunt in the city. Authorities suspected James, he explained, because a credit card with his name on it had been found at the scene, as had a key to a van he had rented. “He also left a cheek swab, a filled-out tax return and his SoulCycle emergency contact,” Colbert quipped.
“It’s fortunate that James left behind plenty of evidence,” Colbert continued, because of the security camera malfunction. “Well, that’s what the MTA gets for hiring the same guy who did the cameras in Jeffrey Epstein’s cell,” Colbert joked. “It does explain the new subway safety posters: ‘if you see something, that’s cool. We didn’t!’”
The host also touched on a “tough week” for Joe Biden, from the highest inflation rates since 1981 to a speech in Iowa in which a bird appeared to poop on his lapel. “Look, folks, this is the kind of story late night was made for,” said Colbert. “Steve Allen started the Tonight Show in the 1950s to talk about a pelican guano-bombing Ike. So covering this recent incident is the Late Show’s duty.”
“That bird is now the Republican frontrunner in 2024,” Colbert quipped of the splatter above Biden’s lapel. “It’s already picked its #2.”
However, a reporter on the scene and the White House communications team clarified that the alleged bird poop was actually corn powder dripping from the ceiling of an active factory. “Fine, fact check grudgingly accepted,” said Colbert. “It wasn’t bird poop. It was just a gentle rain of industrial corn dookie.”
Jimmy Kimmel
And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel commented on the justice department’s investigation into whether Rudy Giuliani violated any laws when he flew to Ukraine to pressure Zelenskiy into dig up alleged dirt on Hunter Biden. “Remember that? When Trump sent Goonie to not so subtly threaten to withhold military assistance that we now know how desperately they needed it to come up with damaging information about his opponent’s son?”
The FBI has already “raided Rudy’s cave” and so far Trump’s former lawyer has cooperated. “He even let investigators look inside the coffin he sleeps in during the daylight hours,” Kimmel quipped.
Kimmel also mocked another frequent target, Texas senator Ted Cruz, who did a live podcast taping in which an audience member asked: “Assuming it would end global hunger, would you fellate another man?”
“Only if that man was Donald Trump, is what the answer is,” said Kimmel.
