In 2014, my friends had a beautiful baby, Reuben. People would say “he is such a BOY” when they saw how confident and cheeky he was. But from the moment Reuben could express himself, he showed us all he wasn’t a boy at all. Even before he could speak, he gravitated to pinks, purples, sparkles, tutus. By age two, he was telling his parents, “I’m a girl.” In every book, role play and story, he identified with the feminine characters. Every animal, toy and fancy dress character was a “she”.
At four, Reuben became increasingly distressed about being called a boy. Her dad remembers: “He drew full-body self-portraits, making a point of adding female anatomy and grew unhappy with his body. Following his lead, we tried using the pronouns ‘she/her’ at first as a game, just for a day, or a weekend. She never wanted to go back. Her distress eased dramatically.”
Eventually, at her request, Reuben’s parents let her choose a new name – she decided on Ruby – and they put her old nursery name tag in a ribboned box stored safely on a shelf in her bedroom. They told her it was hers to reclaim at any time if she wanted to. Ruby’s mum recalls how one morning, Ruby looked her straight in the eyes and said, “Mummy, I’m going to be Ruby until I die.” She was still only four.
Seven years on, Ruby is still Ruby – sometimes saying she is neither boy nor girl, sometimes both, but mostly simply a girl. She is lively, curious, social, passionate about animals, football, space, anatomy, trampolining and skateboarding. In many ways, her gender is the least interesting thing about her. Like my own children – or any child – she thrives when she can be fully herself and is celebrated for being her.
However, increasingly, I have seen her parents gripped by fear and upset at how invisible they feel. And it is for this reason that I wanted to share their story.
“There are moments when I catch myself wishing she would just discover she wants to live as a boy,” says Ruby’s mum, “not because I doubt her identity but because I fear for her future in the UK. What parent would willingly choose this path for their child in today’s anti-trans climate? But then I remind myself – the issue is not Ruby. Children like her have always existed, and always will. The problem is how we choose to treat them.”
Ruby has already experienced bullying, not from other children, but from adults. Parents telling their children she was “really a boy”, pulling their children away from her at the park, treating her like a contaminant or some kind of threat. Some parents have even accused my friends of lying to them for not disclosing Ruby’s anatomy to them from day one. The devastating subtext being that Ruby had some kind of inappropriate intentions towards their children – she was five years old at the time.
Then there are the people who think my friends somehow get a kick out of having a trans child, one even called them child abusers, and a school therapist told Ruby’s mum she must have “made” Ruby trans by hoping for a girl during pregnancy. Her advice was to start forcing Ruby into “boys’ clothing” to restore authority.
If these things sound shocking, look no further than some of the most recent Department for Education RSHE guidance (published 15 July 2025), which, despite retaining theoretical protections against discrimination and encouraging respect for individuals with protected characteristics such as gender reassignment, in practice instruct schools not to teach children that everyone has a gender identity, and to treat social transition as controversial.
It puts tight limits on how, if at all, gender identity can be addressed in lessons, effectively reducing the scope for inclusive discussion of trans and non-binary identities in school. Imagine then how Ruby must feel – her existence and that of other trans, non-binary, and intersex (TNBI) children don’t exist or are an abnormality.
Now, 11 in secondary school, for the time being, Ruby chooses to conceal the full story of who she is. At home and with close family and friends, she shines as her full self, understanding and accepting that she has a male body and that this is different from her sense of self – her gender identity.
Her teachers have been supportive of Ruby’s wish for privacy, and she changes for swimming or other games when necessary in a private cubicle, as a few others also choose to do for various reasons, but as she is rapidly approaching puberty, there will soon come a time when she will no longer be able to “pass” as a girl.
Her parents see her increasingly preoccupied with hiding her growing body under baggy clothing. She lives in fear that the very people she spends most of her days with, her friends, will find her out. And heartbreakingly, she is not wrong to be afraid. The increasingly hostile culture she is growing up only serves to expose, exclude and segregate trans young people and adults.
Last week’s news of Girlguiding and The Women’s Institute’s exclusion of trans girls and young women has been another saddening and painful flashpoint, and it saddens me deeply on a personal level that yet another door is closed to Ruby who, given the choice, might love to join a Girlguiding group, but will now not be able to. What will happen next? When her year group goes on a school trip, will she be forced to sleep in a boys’ room? Or on her own? At the moment, no one seems to have any answers that make sense or consider the fact that she, as a trans girl, is very vulnerable to bullying and abuse.
The majority of families with a trans child stay silent to respect the privacy of the child concerned, so their voices and realities remain mostly invisible in this dehumanising culture war.
Ruby’s mother tells me that she would love to “share Ruby’s life with people more openly so they can actually develop some empathy and understanding, not only of the challenges but also the beauty of raising a kid who won’t let herself be squeezed into any gender boxes”. But because of the current toxic atmosphere and because they are unsure how their daughter will want to be known in future, they are “fiercely protective of her privacy”.
But Ruby and her parents’ story does need to be told. Because if we don’t hear about their experience, then we push girls like Ruby further into the shadows. I want to tell their story because, as their friend, it has been heartbreaking for me to watch their plight and see the reality of their situation.
Ruby is four times more likely than her cis peers to be a victim of violent or sexual assault and twice as likely to be a victim of crime overall. She faces an 85 per cent chance of experiencing transphobic street harassment. Even worse, there is a higher suicide risk, as studies consistently show that trans youths denied affirmation are at significantly higher risk of suicidal ideation compared to peers who are supported.
The Trevor Project UK National Survey (2024) showed that over 58 per cent of LGBTQ+ young people in the UK seriously considered suicide in the past year, with rates significantly higher among trans and nonbinary youth, where nearly 1 in 5 (19 per cent) attempted suicide in the past year.
With 4,120 police-recorded transgender hate crimes in the last year, figures are far above historic levels for trans people, revealing the lived reality for many trans people is one of persistent abuse and exclusion. Yet the public discourse casts Ruby as the threat, and parents like my friends as people “making” children trans for some undefined “secondary benefits”.
What would I have done with a child who, as young as four, was becoming increasingly distressed being called a boy and kept asking me to change her body? Insist she’s a boy and watch her distress continue? Or tell her that she is not alone? There is no exact official figure for the number of trans girls and women in the UK, but the best available estimates suggest that around 200,000-250,000 people in the UK identify as transgender, with a significant proportion being trans women and girls.
How would I feel about outing my child to everyone I come across, given the increasing discrimination and vitriol trans people face in the UK? Over the past 10 years – the course of Ruby’s lifetime – this country has fallen from ranking 1st to 22nd in Europe for LGBTQ+ equality. This isn’t paranoia; this is a very real and devastating fact of Ruby’s life.
There are lots of complexities around keeping all children safe and happy in society, and around gender-based violence (which usually comes from cisgender men), but one thing is out of question: If we care about children’s safety and happiness, this must include the safety and happiness of Ruby and other children like her.
Children like Ruby have always existed, and will always exist, all over the world. This is not a matter of ideology, or a “progressive idea” or of “wokeness”, but of historical and anthropological accuracy: gender diversity has always been a naturally occurring feature of humanity, but it was violently suppressed in Europe for so long that it is now made to look like some new, modern fad.
The mainstream discourse is centred on the extent to which trans people should be included or not in the status quo of our institutions and culture, yet it does not recognise that this status quo is actually also the result of what has been a historical brutal oppression. If we are ever to create a truly diverse, progressive society where little girls like Ruby can be themselves, we need to recognise these truths and heal past wounds.
My friend’s daughter is as deserving and needing of protection as any other child, but at the moment, it feels like she and her parents are being told they almost don’t have the right to exist. I watch my friends fear for Ruby’s happiness, safety and future life, and my heart aches for them. The pain of waking up, almost daily now, to news headlines reporting and often celebrating the growing exclusion of trans people from all aspects of public life is indescribable.
Ruby is not a question mark; her existence is not up for debate. She is a flesh and blood, a little kid with a fierce spirit and a kind heart. My friends and I want a future in which Ruby – and my children, your children, all children – can grow up knowing that their lives are valued.
*Ruby’s name has been changed to protect her identity
If you would like to support trans children like Ruby, please write to your MP asking them to protect the rights of trans children under the 2010 Equality Act and oppose any weakening of those rights
If you are experiencing feelings of distress, or are struggling to cope, you can speak to the Samaritans, in confidence, on 116 123 (UK and ROI), email jo@samaritans.org, or visit the Samaritans website to find details of your nearest branch
If you are based in the USA, and you or someone you know needs mental health assistance right now, call or text 988, or visit 988lifeline.org to access online chat from the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. This is a free, confidential crisis hotline that is available to everyone 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If you are in another country, you can go to www.befrienders.org to find a helpline near you
