Every day there’s a new scandal. Last week a Tory MP explained he was watching porn because he was trying to look at tractors.
Next week a minister will say: “While I was studying welding equipment, I accidentally stood naked on the roof of the garden centre, rubbing peanut butter into my crotch while declaring my love for Princess Anne.
“This was an honest mistake and I apologise for any embarrassment I may have caused my wife.”
Even most Conservatives know they can’t trust their leader.
Many of them campaigned in the local elections as “Local Conservatives” so it looked like they were nothing to do with him. But they denied this meant they didn’t trust the Prime Minister.
Next time they’ll call themselves “Cuddly-servatives who have never even heard of Boris Johnson, the slobbering filthy dog”, but insist they still have full confidence in him.
As the results came in, presenters asked Professor John Curtice to make sense of them, as he’s always asked to analyse these things.
And you could tell that what he wanted to say was: “Oh, it’s OBVIOUS what’s happened. Everyone knows Boris Johnson is a lying pig, but Labour are sodding useless, you couldn’t trust the Liberal Democrats to feed your fish and all the others are nuts.”
So Boris Johnson staggers through, although 80% of the country thinks he’s a terrible liar who should resign, and that the man in charge of our money is a tax-dodging multi-millionaire. This means a few million people know they’re a disaster but still vote for them.
In the way they might vote for a tiger to be in charge of the local school because “I know he’s eaten most of the children, but he’s only been in the job a few years so we should give him a chance”.
The Conservatives lost quite a few seats but not enough to finish Johnson. In the Essex town of Harlow, the Tories even increased their vote.
I suppose Harlow must be full of people sexually attracted to tractors, saying: “At LAST, there is someone who speaks for us.”
Maybe part of the reason is that even when someone distrusts the Conservatives, they don’t know what the other parties stand for.
I’m not sure who the Labour party are trying to appeal to. They’re like these strange shops you get in seaside towns that sell an odd collection of objects such as boxes of Lego, home-made marmalade and DVDs of hardcore porn. You can’t help but wonder who they are aiming to attract.
The one policy that Labour is clear about is: “We are NOTHING to do with Jeremy Corbyn.”
Labour’s next party political broadcast will show Keir Starmer rampaging through Corbyn’s allotment, ripping out his rhubarb.
So they need to come up with some positive policies, such as bouncy castle highways along all roads, so we can all bounce off to work. Or campaign for the Countdown theme to be made the national anthem.
Or our only hope is to keep Johnson and Rees-Mogg and the tractor man in power, and charge foreigners £50 an hour to come and laugh at us.
