What we’ve learned from Conservatives, after the fines for Boris Johnson’s illegal parties, is if someone is proven to be a lying cheating idiot, you shouldn’t replace them while there’s a war on.
In the same way, it wouldn’t be the time to replace someone who’s out of their head on weed and vodka, while they’re flying a jumbo jet to California.
You can understand why many Conservatives insist he should stay, despite ignoring his own laws. Because the Tories are proudly the party of law and order – unless you forgot the law although you made the law, or if you said sorry, or if you’d been working hard, or if it was over a year ago, or if there’s a war on somewhere.
But apart from that they’re absolutely tough on crime with no excuses.
One fascinating argument of the Prime Minister’s supporters has been that his birthday party only lasted nine minutes so it didn’t really count.
It’s a shame that this nine-minute rule couldn’t be used by anyone who wanted to visit sick or dying relatives.
You could only get away with it for really important reasons, such as a piss-up on your birthday.
This new attitude towards law provides a handy guide for anyone who’s arrested for any crime.
From now on, if you’re convicted of armed robbery, you can tell the judge: “I was only screaming, ‘Put the money in the sack NOW’ while waving a sawn-off shotgun for nine minutes.” The courts will be full of people saying: “I wasn’t aware I was doing 135 miles per hour up the motorway. I was under the impression I was in a rocket on the way to Saturn.”
And they’ll go free.
Defendants will say: “It’s true, your honour, that having vigorously denied it, CCTV footage shows me drunkenly stealing a digger from a building site and driving it through a maternity ward, but now is not the time to make a fuss because there’s a war in Ukraine.”
Arsonists will say: “I know that strictly speaking it was against the rules to set fire to all the garden sheds in the street, and an orphanage, but I’d been working really hard so do we want to make a fuss?” Several Tory MPs said it’s daft to make an issue of the lawbreaking, because “We all broke the law during lockdown.” It’s a pity they didn’t make it clear at the time that we were expected to break all the rules, because the Government had become anarchists.
Johnson’s announcement every day should have been: “Here are the rules, man, but DON’T LISTEN TO THEM. Don’t let me CONTROL YOUR MIND, man, wash your hands when YOU WANT, not when I say. SMASH THE SYSTEM.”
Or maybe this is all because it is what he is used to saying when he’s caught being unfaithful: “It was a long time ago, I’ve said sorry, I didn’t know I was doing it, there’s a war on, and it only lasted nine minutes.”
