The devil makes work for idle hands, and all that. Too right. In my case, that devil happened to be Bill Knott, the columnist and former chef, and my hands were not idle per se, just wrapped around the stem of the martini he was plying me with. “Would you,” he said, leaning in, “fancy doing Too Many Critics again?” Dumbly I nodded. Should have had a lemonade.
Too Many Critics is a charity fundraiser where, in a reversal of the natural order of things, restaurant writers are shoved behind a stove to cook for a judging panel of chefs, therefore offering them a rather public opportunity to get their own back. The point is two-fold: the night raises money for Action Against Hunger, which helps starving children across the world, and it’s a chance to see if those of us who bitch about restaurants for a living have a leg to stand on. I suspect rather a few who attend turn up purely in the hope of seeing Giles Coren get his arm taken off in an air fryer or the like. This year it’s at Darby’s, Robin Gill’s terrific gaff in Nine Elms, on June 25.
You should come. It’s a good crowd: Coren will be there, as will Tom Parker Bowles, Masterchef’s Leyla Kazim, the Independent’s Hannah Twiggs and Kate Krader of Bloomberg. I will be too, and hosting is Joe Warwick, author of the bestselling Where Chefs Eat. Trouble is, I’m nervous, and not just because Warwick is apt to take any opportunity to rinse me. No, I’m all for a good cause — and last year we raised £121,000 — but this time around, the night is looking decidedly like the source of some serious embarrassment.
Last year was a different undertaking. The venue was Vivek Singh’s Cinnamon Club, and I’d gambled on Singh not being the sort to lay his restaurant’s reputation on the line for a bunch of hacks armed with spatulas. So it proved. Singh and his team permitted us about five minutes at the tandoori ovens before shooing us into the dining room as waiters. Accordingly, the room undoubtedly ate better, and my self-proclaimed but entirely unproven reputation as an excellent cook remained untarnished. Cheers, Vivek.
Robin Gill, though, is a bit of a menace, and seems rather gleeful at the thought of us cocking it all up. In a fit of idiocy, I bagsied the smoker to cook my course, which I’m man enough to now admit was a mistake, given I’ve never used one before. I’m not sure I’ve ever actually laid eyes on one before, come to think of it. Still, those hoping for a bit of Coren blood are in luck, as the lunatic has volunteered to shuck oysters all evening.
Those hoping for a bit of Coren blood are in luck, as the lunatic has volunteered to shuck oysters all evening
I’m hoping that once things look like they’re really going skew-whiff, one of Darby’s team will intervene to spare the guests anything too gruesome. And there are excellent prizes in the auction, like a one-to-one in the kitchen with Gill himself, a trip for two to Dubai, all paid for, various dinners out with the critics — fancy a night on the tiles with Twiggs and me? — or a tour of Soho with Devonshire landlord Oisín Rogers. Theo Randall is offering a cheffing masterclass, Hannah Crosbie is doing a private wine tasting. You can even bid for dinner at each of Hawksmoor’s 12 restaurants around the world.
Like I say, you should come. You’ll be supporting a charity that currently is doing life-saving work in Gaza, Ukraine, Somalia and others. Action Against Hunger reached 28 million people in 2022; nights like this will help them do the same and more now. Plus, of course, you’ll get to see if I end up mastering the kitchen — or simply getting smoked.
