Maria, 53
An incident drove us to talk honestly about what it means to desire someone other than your partner
Leo and I have been married for two decades, but in the past year we have started something new: we send each other saucy emails. We opened two new email accounts specifically for sex correspondence, so these messages don’t get muddled up with our day-to-day emails about work or our children’s school. Our sexy emails usually take the form of Google Calendar invitations: I’ll include the date and a rude suggestion, like “tell me a filthy story”. We refer to our new email inboxes as “sin boxes”.
We also recently bought a journal where we write out sexual fantasies in more detail. The other day I sat down and started writing about Leo and I booking a fancy hotel … and ended up filling six pages. The journal has a combination lock on it – a necessity with three children in the house.
Callout
We started being more sexually open with each other last year, after a little blip in our relationship. I had been exchanging flirty emails with an old friend, and Leo discovered them. The incident drove us to talk honestly about what it means to desire someone other than your partner, which has ultimately been good for the relationship.
Knowing that I can say to Leo “I’m developing a crush on someone” without that conversation developing into a relationship-ending-cataclysm, makes it easier to be more sexually experimental – because no topic is off-limits. Leo has crushes too, and we talk about that. Sometimes, we tell each other naughty stories about those crushes during sex. It’s almost as if we are neutralising the threat of extramarital desire by making it something we can play with together.
I’m not sure I would have had the confidence to use a sin box or a shared journal when Leo and I first married. I certainly wouldn’t have talked this openly about my crushes. People say that your sex drive will inevitably decline in a long-term relationship , but I’ve found the opposite to be true. Spending 20 years together makes it easier to be your real self in bed, and to ask for what you really want.
Leo, 46
I came up with the idea of the sin box and the lockable journal last year, because I wanted to turbocharge our sex life
I’ve always loved being in bed with Maria, but since we started using the sin box and the journal, there’s more anticipation around our sex life. I keep the journal on my desk at home, so if my mind wanders during the day, I can scribble down an idea.
Our role plays are becoming increasingly elaborate. Recently, Maria played a librarian doing inventory work in a wooden shack, and I played a jackass tourist who tries to hit on her. I sent Maria a character outline and teaser ending in advance, via the sin box.
I came up with the idea of the sin box and the lockable journal last year, because I wanted to turbocharge our sex life. Maria had been swapping emails with a male friend, and I happened to see one of them. My gut reaction was to feel betrayed, but then I asked myself: what am I really cross about? I was never really threatened by this other man: he lives thousands of miles away. It was just a flirtation.
What bothered me was that Maria was attracted to someone else, but I realised it was also quite exciting. It’s strangely exhilarating, feeling I have to compete for my wife’s affections again. It’s arousing to imagine Maria out in the world, with other men desiring her. I know she would never cheat on me, so the “competition” never feels too frightening.
Since our “blip”, I’ve been trying to bring my A-game to the bedroom. I used to feel too embarrassed to talk about fantasies. But we had so many frank conversations during the blip that nothing feels too delicate to share now. The sin box and journal make communication easier: it’s less awkward to write a fantasy down. Sex has gone from something that happens on a Saturday night to something we are perpetually corresponding about. We’re essentially writing erotica to each other, then acting it out.
