Beatriz, 25
At the beginning of our relationship, we were having sex in semi-public spaces, like on the balcony of a hotel room
Tomás and I met at university and have been together ever since – almost seven years. We both see sex as a way of bonding, being creative and showing our love. Our sexual relationship has been a discovery process, and it has changed a lot over time. We’ve had periods when we don’t do it much. His sex drive is greater than mine, and my desire is really affected by stress. Recently, when I was burning out at work, I’d feel nothing when he touched me.
He said he didn’t feel desired and needed more, so we worked through this by having candid conversations about sex. At the moment, we’re trying to have sex two to four times a week. It may be that we’re just talking on the couch, I hug him and all of a sudden we realise how much pleasure we get from touching each other.
We’ve been living together for two years and we don’t want sex to become monotonous. We’ve been talking about spicing things up again – whether that’s by having sex elsewhere in the house, or trying different positions. At the beginning of our relationship we had sex in semi-public spaces, like the balcony of a hotel room or in a botanical garden – that really turns me on.
At one point in my early 20s, I had almost given up on being able to orgasm, but it has started to get easier. When we started living together, I was able to be more vulnerable and feel comfortable. It just clicked and climaxing is no longer a problem.
I also started reading more about it and found that a lot of women have this problem. I find lots of tips online, like trying to feel pleasure in the little things in life and becoming more aware of your senses. I was recommended erotic literature and porn, and I found sites by and for women.
Traditional porn had made me feel really insecure, so when I found these indie porn websites, it was a breath of fresh air. I think that was also when I realised that having an orgasm can almost be an act of self-care. Knowing this took the pressure off and actually helped me climax more easily.
Tomás, 28
I find so much joy in taking my time exploring and playing with Beatriz
Over the seven years Beatriz and I have been together, sex has been a journey. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I have a big sex drive but Beatriz doesn’t. At the beginning, when we were living in our own places, every time we were together the sex was spontaneous and wild. But once we started living together things started to change, so that affected the way I see sex.
There have been periods where we haven’t had sex for a few weeks, mainly because of the stresses of daily life. It’s not good for me because it means I don’t feel close to her and don’t feel desired. I felt I couldn’t connect with her, so I had to wait until she was ready to have a conversation about both of our needs. It wasn’t that she needed to match my drive, but we had to find a middle ground.
I was worried that it was reaching a point of feeling monotonous, like I hear from my parents or older friends: when you get married or live together, sex doesn’t happen as often. But my question was always: why? Now I understand that it’s just part of life. I’m discovering more about my relationship with sex, and seeing that other things are more important. Yes, the quantity has gone down, but the quality has gone up considerably.
Callout
We always talk about sex before and after: what was good, what didn’t work and what we’d like to try. When I see Beatriz having pleasure it gives me pleasure. When I know she’s achieved a climax, for me that’s the peak, because it’s much easier for me than for her. I find so much joy in taking my time playing with Beatriz.
We tend to do a lot of kissing and touching, and depending on the mood we’ll go softly or more wild. At the start we were more experimental, especially in public places. Now the exploration is about trying to understand how our bodies communicate.
