Helena, 48
When Noel began to touch me I could sense him watching and listening, trying to work out precisely what gave me pleasure
Noel and I met last year, on a swingers site, where married people go to have affairs. I have been with my husband for 26 years but I don’t think there has ever been real passion between us. We don’t even really fight. We are like friendly flatmates who coparent two children. I started browsing men’s profiles because I felt like I’d been asleep for the past two decades. I was intrigued by the idea of sex with a stranger. I wanted that stranger to be married too, so I could count on his discretion.
I had sex with one man from the site before I met Noel and felt a certain amount of guilt about it. I was jumpy with my husband when I got home, though he is so painfully unobservant, I doubt he noticed. Strangely, from the first instant I set eyes on Noel I have felt no guilt at all. I still can’t get over the way he looks at me: his face is so soft, and open. All my life, people have told me that I am tough – the “capable” one – and I find it hard to tell the truth about my more difficult emotions. But with Noel I felt vulnerable, and more honest.
We met up a few days later in a hotel, but Noel couldn’t get an erection, which I think was to do with the intensity of what we were feeling for each other. We both knew this was no quick shag, and that was a lot to take in.
Sex with my husband happens rarely and is always focused around his erection. It’s essentially a race for him to cum. But when Noel began to touch me I could sense him watching and listening, trying to work out precisely what gave me pleasure. We had penetrative sex the fourth time we met, and Noel said “I love you”, right before it happened. I asked him to say it again because I thought I was hallucinating.
I should have left my marriage years ago. I am hanging on for the sake of convenience, and out of fear. It’s no small thing to break up your children’s home, particularly as Noel and I have only been together for 12 months. The risks we take are unsustainable, though. We used to travel to out-of-the-way hotels, but the craving to see him has become so strong that I break my own rules, and meet him in coffee shops minutes from my house. We just sit opposite each other, holding hands under the table, drinking each other in.
Noel, 46
I tell my wife I’m at the office and my employer thinks I’m working from home
My first date with Helena was at a pub, specifically chosen because it is 100 miles away from where we both live. I spotted her immediately, although we hadn’t exchanged any face pictures. She is buxom and crackles with pure mischief. She looks like a playful, slightly menacing big cat. The plan was to vet each other in a public place, but to avoid any public display of affection. That plan failed miserably. We were kissing openly in the pub within minutes.
The second time we met we tried to have sex, but I couldn’t get it up. In retrospect, I’m almost grateful that happened. It meant that when we did eventually manage penetrative sex we knew each other better. I suppose I had performance anxiety because I was overwhelmed by the fact that I really liked her. I had been unfaithful before, and while I had felt terribly guilty every time, the infidelity itself had been easy to compartmentalise because it was purely physical. With Helena, that kind of compartmentalisation was impossible. The trust was so instant I felt almost childlike around her. I feel a lot of affection for my wife, and I hate the idea of hurting her – but I don’t feel like I can tell her anything real about myself.
We meet up at least once a fortnight in a hotel, but only in the afternoons. We rarely get to spend a night together. I tell my wife I’m at the office, and my employer thinks I’m working from home. Sometimes we go to cinemas and have sex in the back row. We travel to a different city to do that though, so there’s less risk of bumping into anyone we know. I realised recently that there are CCTV cameras in cinemas, so we probably have our mugshot up in some manager’s office.
I see myself with Helena long-term, and don’t want to keep sneaking around forever. Family holidays can be difficult. I miss her and there are times I am thinking of her when I should be devoting that attention to my kids. We talk a lot about our children together, and I know she genuinely takes joy in me spending time with them. I feel the same about her. She’s an amazing mum. The painful thing is that we can’t share fully in one another’s lives. I want to be with her without constantly looking over my shoulder. It’s just a case of working out how we can do that without causing enormous damage to our families.
