Gather round, everyone, for the world’s most embarrassing inauguration ceremony in modern history. Take a seat next to Joe Rogan and Logan Paul. Squeeze in next to Wayne Gretzky and the Village People. Or set yourself down by Eric Trump, who’s just relieved not to be sitting in the back.
Don’t fancy spending the ceremony listening to Eric talk about his latest crypto venture (blockchain is the future, guys! Guys?!) Then perhaps cozy up to Donald Jr., the anointed son who the 47th president was apparently afraid was going to be a loser even before he was born. Tiffany’s pregnant (the father of her baby is going to be President Trump’s senior adviser on Arab and Middle Eastern affairs! Super cool!) so don’t bother her; she doesn’t need it. Barron’s too young and too tall — steer clear. Ivanka? She doesn’t work here anymore. Sure, she used to be the ringmaster of this entire circus — but these days, she’s desperately trying to cultivate a chic sideshow in Oscar de la Renta even though the rest of the entire company has gone absurdist. She doesn’t want your questions about fascism or climate change denial or DEI initiatives or immigration raids. She just wants to get this over as quickly as possible.
