It’s Thursday morning. Boris Johnson, who made a former KGB agent’s son a lord and attended sexy parties at his fairytale hacienda, has failed to hand over his mobile phone to the Covid inquiry as some secret spies said there might be all stuff on it. Johnson has also spaffed out another child, this time in wedlock, but the announcement of the birth was delayed by a week, which has inadvertently helped to detract from his ducking and diving and lying, like when he got that jack russell cross that we never see any more. The baby, Frank Alfred Odysseus Red Herring Picaninny Bum Boys Letterbox Johnson, also fulfils the same function as when Johnson started talking about how he liked to make model buses out of crates, in 2019, to game malleable search-engine algorithms away from his Brexit bus lies. As with so many of Johnson’s promises, we are yet to see any evidence of his ability to fashion a single model bus from crates. Perhaps he broke them all throwing them at Dilyn the dog. And trying to father a child every time he abuses the rules isn’t a long-term strategy, even for a man as profligate as the former prime minister.
It’s Thursday morning. Yesterday, at prime minister’s questions, the MP for Newark, Robert Jenrick, doubled down on his decision to paint over welcoming murals of Mickey Mouse in a processing centre for unaccompanied migrant minors on the grounds that many of them were teenagers, so the images weren’t “age appropriate”. Perhaps the teenage refugees would have related better to a mural of Mickey Mouse wanking into a crusty sock? Or deciding that vinyl is actually cool. Or being a massive miserable pain in the arse for six years. In contrast to Jenrick’s hastily concocted excuse, the minister for migration and borders, Lord Murray of Blidworth, told former child refugee, and top Jamaican sound system operator, Lord Dubs that the initial decision to paint the murals was a mistake by some cowboy contractors. Perhaps they were supposed to write “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here” in the Conservatives’ blue Franklin Gothic font over a painting of the two-year-old Syrian boy Alan Kurdi dead on a beach near Bodrum in 2015.
