Three men in a throuple applying to become legal parents to an adopted daughter and a surrogate son are set to launch a consultancy business for bringing children smoothly into three-person relationships.
Ben Rolam, a director of sales and education, 38, and his long-term boyfriend, Mitch, a manager of account development, 38, always discussed bringing a third person into their relationship.
After being together for 12 years, they found their perfect match on a cruise in 2018 – 36-year-old entrepreneur Benjamin.
The trio now all share the same last name living together in Los Angeles, California and have a two-year-old adopted daughter, Tegan, and a six-month-old surrogate son, Bowie.
Benjamin and Mitch are currently the legal parents of Tegan and Bowie, but the throuple are in the process of getting Ben recognised too.
Day-to-day they share baby duties, sleep in the same bed and have not received any negative comments about their relationship – even when enrolling Tegan into a traditional Methodist preschool, they received nothing but “open mindedness” from staff.
They often receive messages from other throuples asking for advice and are now planning to launch their own surrogacy and adoption consultancy to help other throuples have a “good experience” like them.
Ben said “I think that for us, it’s always been a new way of living and creating a family so I’m sure there’s a lot more people that would probably go this route or have an interest in (being added to a birth certificate).
“We can hopefully create a pathway for other people to be able to do this as well.”
Mitch added: “We want people to have access to both pathways to parenthood.”
Ben and Mitch met in 2006 at an LGBTQ+ community programme and, after three years together, they considered becoming a throuple.
In 2018, they met Benjamin Mui on a cruise and they all instantly felt a connection – so, Benjamin ended his relationship at the time and began dating Ben and Mitch.
But, at the time, none of Benjamin’s family members knew he was gay – so, when introducing his new partners to his loved ones, he had to both come out and tell them he was in a throuple, which they took “surprisingly well”.
Ben and Mitch did not experience any teething issues when first bringing Benjamin into the relationship because of going through every scenario before becoming a throuple.
In July 2019, Ben and Mitch proposed to Benjamin at San Diego Pride, and two months later, they had a spiritual wedding in Hawaii.
Three years later, Benjamin and Mitch legally changed their last names to Rolam, taking Ben’s surname, and over time, the throuple decided they would love to start a family.
After little success with an adoption agency, through which they only had three mums show interest in them in two years, in December 2021 they hired a website developer and lawyer to advertise themselves as a throuple looking to adopt.
They started to get 30 to 40 women reaching out weekly, and by March 2022, they found Tegan, their baby daughter.
More recently, on December 4 2023, the trio welcomed another baby into their lives: Bowie Rolam.
The throuple used a surrogacy agency, firstly in Cancun, but then decided to switch to a company in Mexico City – it was also half the price of what they would pay in the US.
The semen and embryos were flown from Cancun to Mexico City, and they had to pick out an egg donor, and new embryos were created.
Ben said: “The agencies are actually very open minded, like when we did the adoption, and they were just very excited.
“A lot of the questions were like, ‘How are you choosing whose semen to use?
“But nothing was negative, and then when we talked to the surrogates, they were always so happy.
“As far as the egg donor goes – you never meet the egg donor.”
Throughout 2022, Mitch and Benjamin provided sperm, and Benjamin’s finally resulted in a positive pregnancy test in March 2023.
Near the due date, in December 2023, they all moved to Mexico City for about two months, to sort out the paperwork and be near the surrogate.
Mitch said: “We were very excited, he was a little early, but was healthy.”
Ben added: “Everybody was very excited – my sister and her husband came to visit us in Mexico City for two weeks, and then Benjamin’s mother moved in with us for a little over three months.”
Day-to-day, the throuple spend almost every moment with each other, share the same bed and split chores and baby duties equally.
Ben said: “When it comes to night, we all have the responsibility.
“So if it’s my night, I’ll put Tegan to bed and then hangout with Bowie until he is ready for bed, and I’ll sleep in the same room as him until somebody else takes over at six in the morning.
“So we’re definitely on rotation which really works for us.”
The trio believe that being legal parents will provide “security in the future”.
Since posting about their family life on Instagram, under the handle @gaythrouple, they have had many throuples get in touch for relationship advice and tips on how to start a family as a trio.
Looking to the future, Mitch said: “We have a lot of friends that reached out to us about surrogacy and people that we’ve never met.
“So we are going to start our own surrogacy and adoption consultancy where we can refer people so they can have a good experience like us.
“We’re really active on our Instagram so, if people have any questions, they can get touch.”
