The secret to a long relationship? Have sex seven times a month and never go to bed angry, according to a survey of 2,000 British couples commissioned for the launch of Love & Death on ITVX, a show about an affair and an axe murder. Twenty per cent of people surveyed thought liking the same programmes was important; I wonder if this one will tick their boxes?
My friends are sceptical too. “People are still having sex? In this economy?” says one. “Oh, please,” says another. “Maybe aim for not going to bed angry seven times a month. That’s in my marriage how-to.” Given how often my insomnia leaves me wandering like an unquiet spirit, mine would be: “Try to sleep seven times a month in the same room.” Or even: “Try to sleep.”
There were other answers, though it was mostly a soup of the generic and bleeding obvious: having fun, compromise, similar humour, admitting when you are wrong – the same stuff that comes up in all these surveys. I can at least get on board with the 10% who thought that “liking the same takeaways” was key.
I understand why people come up with these answers – when someone asks, you have to find something to say – but surely no one really knows? It is like asking centenarians the secret of their longevity. Is it olive oil, port and chocolate (Jeanne Calment: lived to 122 and only stopped smoking at 120) or eating lightly (Jiroemon Kimura, lived to 116)? Maths, or not getting angry? Why are you asking them? They have no idea!
My husband and I will have known each other for 30 years next year and neither of us has the secret to anything (well, that’s not strictly true: he can make pigs fall into a deep sleep by scratching them behind the ears, a quality I highly recommend in a life partner). Despite me having the patience of a wounded honey badger, and our diametrically opposed attitudes to noise, sports and vinegar, we got lucky somehow. Isn’t that what it mainly is? Dumb, happy luck? I’d like to see that as a survey response one day.
Emma Beddington is a Guardian columnist
