BATTLE FIVER
What was the last genuinely great thing to happen in the Premier League? That’s right! The answer has nothing whatsoever to do with last Sunday’s well-received encounter between Manchester City and Liverpool, and everything to do with five years ago, when Chelsea put paid to Tottenham’s chances of winning the title and everyone disappeared down the Stamford Bridge tunnel throwing hands. And the time before that? It’d be Martin Keown getting right up in Ruud van Nistelrooy’s grille. And before that? Eric Cantona disappearing into the Selhurst Park stands to dispense beneficial advice on race relations.
All of these incidents were met with the usual performative wagging of fingers, but deep down everyone really knows what’s what. Similarly this week in Big Cup. Sure, Chelsea played out a marvellous ding-dong match at the Bernabéu, while Liverpool simultaneously proved against Benfica why they almost certainly will win and have absolutely no chance of winning the competition. But all of this pales in comparison with the geometrically perfect cartoon cloud drawn on Wednesday night by the artists of Atlético Madrid and Manchester City, which, for maximum comic effect, had fists and boots sticking out of it in all the correct Beano-approved places. Oof! Ooyah! Oof!
As modern brouhahas go – nothing’s ever going to top Chile v Italy in the 1962 World Cup, The Fiver isn’t completely daft – it was brilliant, registering a top score of 11 on our We Don’t Like To See It But We Do-o-meter. Depending on your point of view, the most committed contribution to the entertainment was perpetrated either by Felipe, who hacked down then aimed a sly kick at Phil Foden; Foden, who cynically rolled back on to the field of play in the clock-management style; or Stefan Savic, who tried to drag Foden to his feet, stuck the nut on Raheem Sterling, and pulled Jack Grealish, who had called him an effing cee, by the hair. All good clean wholesome family fun, and yes, it was mainly Savic, wasn’t it, and him a former Citizen too.
After everyone cooled down – and to this end, someone had helpfully thrown some liquid at Pep Guardiola – City could bask in the knowledge of a job well done. “Today we celebrate because it is the third time in Manchester City’s history we are in the [Big Cup] semi-finals,” the City boss said. However he added that “we are in big trouble”, with Kevin De Bruyne and Kyle Walker having gone off knacked. Saturday’s FA Cup semi with Liverpool may come around too soon for the pair, but at least they’ve got a couple of weeks to get fit for the first leg of their Big Cup semi against Real Madrid, which we definitely, absolutely, categorically do not want to see descend into another spectacular, bench-emptying, life-affirming donnybrook. No sir.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We will miss him and remember him with great affection, appreciation, respect and admiration” – Colombia’s football federation pays tribute to former captain Freddy Rincón, who has died aged 55 from injuries sustained in a car crash.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Get your ears around the latest Football Weekly Extra. And while we’re at it, Max, Barry and the pod squad are going back out on tour. Tickets to live shows in June and July are available here, so get buying.
RECOMMENDED BOOKING
A New Formation: how Black British footballers shaped the modern game. Tickets are now available for the live event, featuring Jonathan Liew, Andrew Cole and Hope Powell.
MOVING THE GOALPOSTS
The Fiver has a new sister email, folks! You don’t need to be told that it’s smarter and wittier than us – so sign up. The latest edition has been sent whistling into inboxes but you can get a taste here.
FIVER LETTERS
“Women more emotional than men, according to Kenny Shiels (yesterday’s Quote of the Day)? I guess he has not seen Atlético play recently” – Gerrit Janssens [or taken his doctor’s orders – Fiver Ed].
“As for the ending of Scott Murray’s brilliant opening paragraph in yesterday’s Fiver, concerning first-time winners of Big Cup and the Faustian bargains needed to accomplish the feat, is he aware that the first two Chelsea goalscorers in a home European match during the Abramovich era were Robert (Huth) and (Glen) Johnson? Spooky” – R Reisman.
“Yesterday you said the winner of the prizeless letter o’ the day was ‘rollover’. I was not aware Spurs were winning anything?” – Seth Kleinschmidt.
“I was just wondering if it is preferable to have a Fiver letter not published, or have it included on a day when the winner of the prizeless letter o’ the day is a rollover?” – John Myles.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … R Reisman.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Scotland’s Human Rights World Cup play-off semi-final at home to Ukraine has been rescheduled for 1 June, with the final against Wales on 5 June.
Arsenal fans have called for the club to cancel its sponsorship by the Rwandan government after the UK government’s absolute-state-of-it agreement to send migrants to the African country. The endorsement is reported to be worth £10m a year to Arsenal.
Northern Ireland Women captain Marissa Callaghan has spoken up in support of manager Kenny Shiels after those comments. “Collectively we stand by our manager,” she said. “We feel his interview was in relation to a meeting we had as a team where we analysed that we concede goals in quick succession and emotions was one of the many things we discussed. He is a man of integrity who cares for us like a family.”
Manchester United have called in a feasibility study for the overhaul of Old Trafford, with the aim of “significantly enhancing the fan experience”. The Fiver has sent in its suggestion of the new stands facing away from the pitch.
Boston Celtics owner Stephen Pagliuca has confirmed NBA chairman Larry Tanenbaum and Plain Old John Terry as cohorts in his bid to buy Chelsea.
And by the time you next read The Fiver, Fulham will probably be preparing for relegation back to the Championship. “We have to keep our feet on the ground, not lose focus or concentration,” whooped Marco Silva.
STILL WANT MORE?
Phil Foden’s Stockport street smarts got Diego Simeone all riled up, and Barney Ronay fully approves.
Big Jürg took risks in his team selection for Benfica and only just got away with it, reckons Jamie Jackson.
Kenny Shiels needs to rethink his apology, let alone his talk of “emotional women”, writes Suzanne Wrack.
Whatever you do, new Chelsea owners whomever you may be, don’t sack Tommy T, instructs Barney.
Ben Fisher profiles Bodø/Glimt, the Norwegian minnows/post-rock duo catching Europe’s elite – and especially José Mourinho – cold.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
