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Louise Thomas
Editor
Many of my adult interactions with friends go a little something like this: “How are you?”; “How’s your husband?”; “How are the kids?”. If we have more time: “How’s work?”. It’s a formula – I’ve affectionately named it “question ping pong” – that I seem to have rolled out across a large handful of my friendships, with the aim of trying to squash in as much information as possible before we have to dash back to our responsibilities.
In fact, if I search the word “catch up” in my WhatsApp, I yield hundreds of results. As adulthood has slowly unfurled itself, my social life has become much more about discussing what is happening in our respective lives, rather than actually actively taking a part in them. In place of attending festivals, yoga classes and exhibitions, I now send drawn-out voice notes about how my week has been. Instead of booking last-minute weekends away, I hurry to a “quick coffee” to hear about my pal’s latest family holiday. I’m officially in my “catch-up friend” era, one that leaves little room for heartful, authentic, impulsive discussion; we miss out on sharing our idiosyncrasies, off-the-cuff observations and, crucially, our true feelings.
For example, I might tell my friend about my husband’s big promotion, but not my anxiety around it (“I’m scared he’ll have less time for me”). In short, in our haste to cram as much top-level information in as we can, some of what makes us human – and, in turn, what leads to a real sense of connection – falls to the wayside. We talk through the headlines but don’t really get into the small print. I’d wager I’m not alone.
I recently ran a poll on my Instagram, asking how many of my 2,000 followers felt they had fallen into the “catch-up trap” with friends. Over 70 per cent of those who replied responded affirmatively. Among them, I noticed the names of several close pals. So, fuelled by a desire to feel more connected, I reached out to ask why.
“I think I should ringfence my energy for my husband and kids,” my friend Emily told me. “I only have a finite amount of it outside of my weekly to-do list, so I have to prioritise doing things with my family. I’d love to do more actual ‘things’ with friends, but that would have to be in place of doing them with my family. That’s just not a sacrifice I feel I can or want to make right now.”
My friend Katie put it down to not seeing me enough, or the rest of her social circle. “We don’t talk day-to-day in the same way we did when we were teenagers, or even young adults, and so when I do see you there is a whole load of ‘conversation admin’ that we seem to have to go through first,” she explains. “I would love to get into deeper conversations, but I also don’t want to miss out on anything that’s been happening for you. I guess those dryer questions are the most effective way to get through a whole load of information.”
But the answer that felt most jarring came from a friend who I had gone on a gap year with many moons ago, who now lives in Canada. As she bluntly put it, “the less we actually do together, the less I feel we have in common. While I still love you and want you in my life, I just find there’s less space for spontaneous conversation. It all becomes a bit more… formulaic.”
The more we have to manage in our own lives, the less capacity we have to get into the deeper stuff for each other. There’s something about the more surface-level ‘catch up’ that feels quite protective of our resources— Dr Carolyne Keenan
It may have been tough to hear, but I agreed. The “catch” with our catch-up friendship was that it had begun to feel stale, so burdened were we by the long information exchange that we never really made it to more authentic, nourishing conversation. So, over time, we had fewer and fewer crossovers on which to really “catch up” anyway.
This lack of shared experience is likely at the core of many of the catch-up friendships we share in our adult years, argues Dr Sophie Mort, a clinical psychologist and mental health expert at Headspace. “Without regular, shared activities or experiences, friends may find they have fewer common touchpoints to discuss,” she tells me. “This can lead to conversations that focus more on individual updates rather than shared interests or activities.”
For Dr Carolyne Keenan, resident psychologist on BBC Radio 1’s Life Hacks, it also relates to the overwhelm we might all be feeling. “The more we have to manage in our own lives, the less capacity we have to get into the deeper stuff for each other,” she says. “There’s something about the more surface-level ‘catch up’ that feels quite protective of our resources. We have access to so much information in our day-to-day life that it can feel like we are soaking up information about people’s lives and engaging in discussions about issues all the time in one way or another. This can lead to a feeling of burnout when it comes to engaging with people, and a limitation to our willingness to really show up in social situations.”
Some of this, of course, is down to the nature of adulthood. “Before this stage of life, friends very much played a central role in our day-to-day existence,” says Naomi Magnus, psychotherapist at North London Therapy. “After-work drinks and weekend plans would have been the crux of how we passed our time, so our friends were an active part of our worlds. With a rise in homeworking, moving far from friends, and life demands increasing, we are less likely to have the same level of regular contact.”
Now, there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to “maximise” our time with friends. In fact, condensing a conversation to a quick catch up can have real positives. For instance, Dr Bob Waldinger, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and the author of The Good Life: Lessons From the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness, actively advocates for dedicating short, focused periods of connection with friends or loved ones. He argues that this approach not only cultivates a sense of closeness and wellbeing but also addresses the common issue of conversations dragging on past their welcome, or abruptly ending.
“It’s important to acknowledge that catching up isn’t necessarily ‘inauthentic’ and ‘less’ good,” says Magnus, who argues that these sorts of friendships play an important role in our lives and our wellbeing, stopping us from feeling completely cut-off when we don’t have the time to enjoy deeper interactions with friends.
This is all true. Perhaps, then, the sense of unfulfillment that can come from having lots of “catch-up friends” can be offset by peppering these interactions with more meaningful ones. In short, rather than overhaul or rid ourselves of these friendships completely, we instead need to think about the right ratio of connection for us. For every five quick catch-ups with a friend, we should throw in one spontaneous opportunity for deeper connection, whatever this might look like for you.
A simple way of doing this is to make sure that we aren’t just sharing the “highlights” of our lives. “Don’t just share the good, the successes and the achievements with these friends, this is a barrier to vulnerable authentic connection,” Magnus tells me. “Instead, try to remember to reach out for support when things feel tough at work, or things have got rocky with your partner – in this way you’re giving these friends the opportunity to play an active role in your real life, in real time, rather than just being available for a ‘catch up’.”
Dr Keegan recommends going into meetups with more intention. “If you’re craving more authentic, deep interactions, then it is likely that your friends are too,” she says. “Being open with friends about wanting to know how they really are and what they think about what is going on in the world is the shortcut to limiting more mundane conversation.”
Casey Paul, a speaker and coach in positive psychology, advises following up on past conversations, too. “This shows that you remember and care about what was discussed,” she explains. “You can also try to use more open-ended questions when in conversation. Be vulnerable by sharing your thoughts and feelings honestly, even if they are uncomfortable. This can encourage friends to do the same.”
“How can we break free from the catch-up friendship loop?” I kept asking. For me, though, the most poignant answer came from that same friend in Canada whose initial answer felt painful. “I don’t know,” she voice noted me in response. “But it’s good to know that you value our friendship enough to ask.”
