A group of mums have opened up on how they're hoping to use the heartache of losing their babies, to try and help others who may experience that tragedy and to inform the healthcare response.
Claire Gray, Danielle Armstrong, Kaitlin Stothard and Jude English spoke openly and bravely with Belfast Live about what it's like to go through something that every parents' worst nightmare.
They're all a part of the Forget Me Not group, which is set up to support other parents and to help shape the healthcare response to baby loss within the South Eastern Trust.
Read more: Chloe Mitchell murder investigation: PSNI issue statement as identification process concludes
Claire Gray sadly lost her daughter Matilda just three months after she was born in July 2013.
She said she had felt lost until meeting others in the group.
"At the time, I felt a bit like I was going mad, there were a few people around me who, you know, had had similar experiences, but not at the same sort of point in time as me," she said.
"And my friend sent me an email that goes around through the Trust and mentioned to me about this Forget Me Not service and I was a little bit nervous about going because I hadn't actually been in the carpark of the Ulster Hospital since Matilda, and I hated driving past the Ulster hospital."
The Newtownards mum said she and her husband weren't able to park in the hospital carpark, such as that feeling of raw trauma, but they parked elsewhere and made their way into the service.
"The very first poem that was read was by Drew's mommy, Laura, and it it's called 'An Ugly Pair of Shoes'," she said.
"And for me, I just felt like, thank goodness that we've come, it was very emotional, like I cried from the moment I sort of stepped in the door.
"But just hearing that poem, and some other mummy, in the same position as me reading it, it just helped me to not feel like I was a total alien in my grief, and that, you know, it says in the poem that many years have gone by, and the shoes can still hurt."
Claire is one of the mums who now work with midwives in the South Eastern Trust to try and inform them on what would be best for grieving parents to help them come to terms with such a heart breaking loss.
They work with the bereavement midwives Susan Stitt and Jacqueline Dorrian within the Trust and have come up with novel ways of remembering babies, such as the "Forget Me not Wood" at the Billy Neill pitches near Newtownards.
There, parents can plant a tree in memory of their much loved baby, so that a more physical mark can stand in the world as a symbol of their life.
"Whenever your little one hasn't been here for very long, they haven't necessarily got to make their physical mark on the world," Calire added.
"All of those moments that are so special, to actually have something physical in the world that isn't their grave, it's just a place where can bring our other children and go and visit her tree."
Claire said the feeling of kinship that she experienced at Forget Me Not resonated so deeply because it was the first time her grief had been truly understood.
"I was maybe, you know, six months in, and, and at times, it felt like I was sort of being rushed along, to not be in such utter despair as I was, and hearing that within this poem that, you know, it can be years and years, and you'll still find it really difficult was just such a relief for me," she said.
"That I was in this absolutely horrific situation and it was normal to miss and long for my little daughter."
For Greenisland mum Danielle Armstrong and her husband Karl, the group was a source of comfort and strength when they were experiencing the grief of losing their daughter.
"Amelia was unfortunately born sleeping in December 2019," she said.
"I got involved with the group in January 2020 and we went along to Forget Me Not, and we had no idea what to expect and we were both really nervous.
"But from the minute we walked into the room, everyone was just so welcoming. And I remember actually talking to Jude, she was sitting in front of me, and, you know, she was just so kind and she told us all about Bertie (Jude's son)."
Danielle said their nerves soon disappeared when they realised they were in a room with people who understood their pain and were happy to offer support.
"When we left, we just both felt like we didn't feel like what we had went through should be hid and it shouldn't be something that's not spoke about," she said.
"And everyone in that room felt the same. And to find a group of people that know how you're feeling, it's quite rare for whenever you when this happens. And so for us instantly, we almost felt safe in that space."
Sadly that was the last face-to-face meeting Danielle and her husband attended as the pandemic broke out, but they were still able to talk to other members over group video calls.
It was at that initial meeting though that they met Jude English, a Bangor mum who lost her son Bertie in 2012.
"When we lost Bertie, we were privileged to have a bereavement midwife called Hilary (Patterson) arrive on our doorstep two days later," she said.
"She came to help talk us through what would happen next and she basically helped us though the next few weeks and months as well.
"She asked did we have any feedback for the Trust and so my husband and I sat and wrote a big letter and handed it into the Trust.
"We were invited to come and present it to the Trust then and we were made aware of the Forget Me Not group and I became treasurer for the group for 10 years and it's been great working with other parents and realising we are not alone."
Jude said her experience with the group has shown her that parents all grieve in different ways.
"Just because I wanted to talk doesn't mean my husband wants to talk," she said.
"And it doesn't mean that's the right thing for him, you know, and we've learned that within the group.
"We all have slightly different experiences and slightly different opinions and slightly different wants and needs as you'd expect.
"And so, I think I would encourage any person to step forward and seek seek help seek support, it's there, you're not alone.
"And your experience is individual and special, you know, know people have gone through similar but your experience is your path."
Kaitlin Stothard is mummy to Rosie, who was born in September of last year, but sadly died two weeks later.
The Bangor mum was transferred to London during her pregnancy and she said when she came home she felt like it was a different world.
"There's so many gaps between London care and care over here so I had no idea who to go to, who the midwives were or anything.
"I got a phone call for counselling and in October the Forget Me Not held their remembrance service and they had handed out roses and stuff and that was such a nice touch to me.
"Hearing all of the girls stories, I remember going into Hilary's office and just wanting to know who this group was, how I could get involved and she connected the dots for me on how to join.
"I was quite shy at my first meeting, I didn't really say much but at the second meeting, I just couldn't stop talking, we must have stayed well after hours.
"Just for me, having a group of people that are full of support and actually want to make a difference, there's no words to describe it really."
Kaitlin said the group also looks at how other people treat parents who have lost a child and how it can be approached best.
"Any parent who has lost a child or has had pregnancy loss, they're going to be thinking of that all the time," Kaitlin said.
"There's never a moment that that disappears from their memory whatsoever so you bringing it up is not going to affect me because that's all I think about.
"It's constantly on my mind and my partner's mind and just having other people that can go 'what was Rosie like, what did she like, what did she not like?'.
"All of those sorts of things, just have that conversation and let that person talk, because they'll not be able to stop."
All four mums wished to emphasise that anyone who been treated with the South Eastern Trust during their pregnancy and has lost a baby can come to the group.
Forget Me Not holds an annual remembrance service, as well as fun days at places like Streamvale Farm and they also have the tree planting initiative at the Billy Neill country park.
If you would like further information about the group or need additional support, contact 02890 564 717 or bereavementsupport.midwives@setrust.hscni.net.
Video by Harry Bateman.
For all the latest news, visit the Belfast Live homepage here and sign up to our daily newsletter here.
