A recent US survey shows 17 per cent of Americans agree with the statement that “a secret group of Satan-worshippers has taken control of parts of the US Government and mainstream media”.
The respondents do not specify if this is a bad thing.
A spokesman for Satan said: “The Dark Lord Who Shall Not Be Named But You Know Who I Mean is disappointed. That 17 per cent is proof the worldwide Satanic cabal cannot keep a secret.”
Psychologists suggest we “listen to conspiracy theorists with respect and patience”.
This is proof that psychologists are already enslaved by the Satanic ding-bot lizard-people.
To hear more, have a COVID vaccine and press your head against a 5G tower.
LIBERALS TAKING A GREAT LEAP FORWARD BY HIRING TONY ABBOTT
Liberal Party moves are underway, underfoot and undercooked to move Tony Abbott into the Senate.
“The electorate demands we change direction,” said a Liberal alternative-factotum. “So we are going backwards.
“Mr Abbott represents the new direction of the party. He looks great in teal Speedos. And he’s a woman.”
ACTIVISTS DEFACE PAINTING WITH THE WOODSIDE LOGO, PRESUMABLY FOR PROMOTIONAL PURPOSES
Two WA climate protesters have narrowly avoided relevance by defacing Frederick McCubbin’s renowned painting Down on His Luck with the Woodside Energy Group logo.
An activist wearing Floaties said: “The protest’s statement is deliberately ambiguous. Is it a protest against paintings? Is it a condemnation of the picture’s ‘down on his luck’ man, for being white, privileged and homeless? Or is it just easier than chaining yourself to a bulldozer?”
Visitors to the Art Gallery of Western Australia said the defacement “lacks impact”, “verges on cliche” and “needs more pumpkin soup”.
In other news…
- CHURCH OF ENGLAND REJECTS SAME-SEX MARRIAGE, WELCOMES BEGINNING OF STONE AGE
- AUSTRALIA SHOCKED FORMER CRICKET PLAYER MAY BE A DICK
- GLADIATOR SEQUEL TO PICK UP 20 YEARS AFTER PEOPLE LOST INTEREST
- JACINDA ARDERN RESIGNS WITH PROUD RECORD OF PISSING OFF RIGHT-WING MEN
- U.S. HITS DEBT LIMIT, PUTS HAWAII ON AIRBNB
