The weighing scale at the weekly breastfeeding support group I visited gave me some reassurance I was doing all right feeding and caring for my son, who was born small, at under six pounds. Even so, I was filled with worry: about feeding and caring for him, about whether I was enough, about why I didn’t feel the flood of warmth and certainty I had expected in new motherhood.
As I sat there listening to other people trade tips about pumping, getting a better latch or preparing for the transition back to work, I looked around and wondered about all the things they weren’t saying. Did they feel it too – this clash between how they thought it would be and the reality? The sense in themselves that something had shifted, so deep it seemed impossible to name? And if not, what did that say about me?
